I got a "pat" on my head today!! Well, like the fingers sort of went into my hair in a "massagy" way.lol.
Nothing really much happened yesterday--H called a couple of times really to talk to S about his math final (they studied very hard together and so H was anxious to see how he did). I was very pleasant on the phone both times.
And then this a.m. I'm working on my project and he says "what are you working on". I said " A 20 page project due in 5 days--ugh". He's like, "You don't have to do this. This is ridiculous".
I should have said "I wish I didn't either there H, but it gets my mind off my crappy R with you so, it's a blessing really!".lol.
But I didn't. I want an A gosh darn it!!
So on the way out my S is like "hugs" and throws his hands up in the air and H hugs him. I said, "Hey, does that work for me too?" and threw my hands up a little. He went behind my chair and I got the little "pat".lol.
Ugh--back to my project. I have never done "charts" on microsoft word. There are some things that are driving me nuts. Just gotta keep plugging away at it...
Hey Kat, thanks for asking--It was challenging and good!
I am taking a class right now and it is really, really challenging. I had a 20 page report due on Tues (with charts, graphs, tables--OMG it was HARD) I spent HOURS over the long weekend working on it. I called a couple of the girls in my class and they were just as miserable, so that made me feel better.lol.
H took S to the beach on Monday so that was nice. Oh, and Sunday we did spend the morning with the neighbor girl and another girl from my S's school who is an exchange student (she is Russian too, and now friends with our little abandoned Russian) and went blueberry picking. It was really fun--never done that before. The kids loved it!
My H was VERY supportive of my working so hard--well--at least he didn't start any fights or drama. I was really worried about that, since he had such a fit about my goig back to school. And this class--YOZAA!
So worked all day Tues--again H took S out (nice!) and I finally finished the report 2 hours before I had to go.
Then on the way to class, another truck side-swiped mine! and broke my mirror!! I debated turning around for about 10 seconds, then it's like, and I was going to do what? even if I found the other car, am I going to hunt the (probably) redneck down and demand he do something about it?
And what about my paper? I was NOT about to not hand that in! And I didn't want to make a claim with my insurance either. So I kept going and figured I'd deal with it later.
So my usual way of "dealing" with anythng like that is to sneak it over to be repaired and not even tell H (because he will have a complete meltdown). But, I figured, let him have his meltdown--I get to say scripts this way.lol. So the next a.m. I told him and he went completely nuts--Swearing, you stupid ^$&#--the usual. And of course he is not paying for it. I could have sworn he said "you guys can just deal with it". You guys meaning S and I??
So I said, it's unfortunate you don't care about your S, since I obviously will drive him around with a missing mirror. He said "I don't care about YOU".
So I gave a different script as I left --something like "I need a man that reacts to things calmly and rationally and makes sound decisions" and got a F%%K you as I left the house.lol.
First I went to my Cs who are back now (thank god) as I didn't really know what to do about the mirror--it is a $300 mirror!!
They said "GET IT FIXED". Like, duh.lol.
So I did and when I got home I told him and .....nothing. No reaction whatsoever. I was pretty stunned actually--I had left my books in the car in case I had to leave again I could go study (8 page paper due NEXT Tues!!)
And he was pretty decent the rest of the day! I made blueberry puffed pastry and chicken with blueberry sauce for dinner--both pretty good!!
You know, I DON'T go on and on about how awful my H is --it would take too long to write every nuance of his ugly behaviour. There are lots of snide comments, lots of baiting for fights, lots of ugly looks and deep sighs. I worry for my animals as he has threatened them many times. He has been physically abusive to them and me in the past.
I am concentrating on changing up my behaviour--and the fact that he is so awful I guess I just expect. He doesn't know how to react and he wants to react in his "old patterns". He has to learn new ones and this will take TIME. I don't know even if he CAN learn anything new. But I have, I can, and I am!lol.
So then on Sunday Marina's "mom" (I use that term loosely for a woman that throws out her adopted daughter and wishes she could send her back!) comes by--OMG--she is a nutcase. She is crying hysterically about how the guys (gay) at the end of the street won't let her see her daughter. (utter bulls$%t) She is going on and on how I just "don't understand", how troubled her daughter is (Marina is a delight) and how she has been attacked by her and she's had to Baker Act her, blah, blah, blah.
She is a sick, sick person. She baited and baited that kid and TRIED to have her put away so she wouldn't look like a bad person. My friend told me ages ago that she couldn't believe this woman was adopting kids--she hates kids. She just wanted little robot slaves--she has a house full of animals (a hoarder, really) and has fibromyalgia or something and she can NOT take care of all that on her own.
Throuugh it all, do you know that Marina says that her life here was much better than the orphanage in Russia? Wow.
She knew that Marina had a "boyfriend" (she had 2 dates--her first ever) and I was a bit freaked out by that--how did she know that??
So I called Marina who completely freaked out about how she came over here and how she knew things. She goes over to the house to "talk" to her mother and her mother ketp her for like 4 hours, trying to tell her that what she did was Ok, that she has no friends now in the neighborhood because of Marina, how I "used" to be her friend??? Wha....??? NEVER.
How MEAN I was to her when I was talking to her (?? again?? what part of me listening to you rant is mean??) How my H came out and was mean? (He came out and validated her--you look really upset, this must be very upsetting to you, this must be hard--I was like ? and how do you know how to validate H??lol)
Oh boy, I tell ya what, between school and this neighborhood fiasco, I don't have time to dwell on or mindread my H.lol. Which, mindreading is control--you know I never really knew that but it lets me off the hook--I used to be a huge "mindreader".
Gotta run off to the Learning Center--they are closed Fri, Sat, and Sun during the summer! And i have so much work to do!!
I FINALLY have gotten some feedback from my class--got an email that the LDL paper I did was "very nice". Thank GOODNESS. Then in class I got the first page paper back( 22 pages with charts, tables, diagrams--all things I had never done before) and got a 91% It's a B, but I was praying for anything that resembled a passing grade so I am happy.lol.
I still don't know if the extra credit paper I did got me anything at all--I don't know how I slipped in a 6 page paper on Celiac disease, but I did!
So in the next two weeks I have a 25 slide power point presentation to do--yup--never have done anything with "powerpoint" in my life. Oh my, school has changed! But again, if I am not "busy" elsewhere, my mind is "busy" about the sitch at home and it is sometimes SO dismal thinking about this stuff.
I am rather down today because yesterday Marina came over and was learning to play Rumicube with us. My H had a good one--my S said "Dad, you're RUSHIN' me"--and my H says without a beat--SHE's the one who's "Rushin/Russian".lol.
Anyway, my S says something about slapping her silly if she doesn't move quicker--I think I had a "look" on my face, but I am not sure--my S is 14 and of course dad has probably never had a "you don't hit girls" rant, because his dad will say the exact same thing. And of course dad sees nothing wrong with physical stuff "if it is deserved".
So I believe I will have a "talk" with my S, but I don't know how much to say--and in what way?? This stuff boggles my mind. I would also like to speak to my H's dad and say how I can't believe a CHRISTIAN man would say this stuff, even though I know he probably doesn't mean it (he is a smallish guy and has never hit a woman in his life--but his son HAS before!)
Meanwhile, Marina is in ROTC and is going away to Citadel for a week, my H and S are going to Canada for a week, and I need to find something for ME to do besides school! I feel really reckless--I may just book a flight somewhere. Gotta call my sister and see if she is up for something!
The more I read the more I am bothered by the abuse that you are contending with. Do you see him working on that at all? I grew up in an emotionally abusive enviroment (sometimes physical) and I fight so hard to not say the things I heard growing up to my kids. At the time, I think we all just thought that this is the way all families are. Now we know better. It does make it hard to break the pattern though.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat!! I am SO glad to have something take my mind of my sitch--this class sure has done that!
If he goes for me ever again, it will be with PLEASURE that I put him in jail for a bit. I believe he needs to GROW UP. I have no problem with tough love any longer. I see him as a brat anyway, it's not too much of a stretch.
I'm sure my H doesn't know what he is or what he's doing or why. He is rather a typical unaware guy. If we get through this he will have "positive memories" again--it happened last time! He all but forgot HUGE amounts of time there when we were in our darkest moments. I have seen his moods and memories fluctuate from one end of a spectrum to another.
It's all about how you chose to view things. And he has made interesting choices in the past. I know I have to be patient--there is a "good H" and there is a "bad H" and I have to get more skilled at bringing up one and eliminating the other.
A month ago he brought up that he would go to a marriage thing at church. I know he wants something to change, and things to get better. He is angry at me, he thought he was doing a good job, now I have put my foot down and told him basically he is doing a sucky job--he doesn't know how to fix this. I think part of it is I haven't told him what MY idea of a "good job" is. He is not going to figure this out on his own--heck--**I** can barely get this thing figured out and I have all this HELP!!
I too grew up in a very dysfunctional family. It just puts you back SO much, doesn't it. I never had a role model of a woman that was successful at getting her needs met by a man. My mother was a train wreck and my dad just shut down--drank, overworked, and then had an affair.
So I am FAR behind. I basically have NO idea how I will reconnect with him any more. Last time this happened I just don't remember how this went! I remember for 9 months it was BAD--but them what? It got pretty good again, but ...how!!
If I was busy with my other stuff I wouldn't even "notice" probably--it would just happen. Like the other day I spoke to him on the phone and just like old times, I told him ILY at the end. Stuff like that will happen.
Hey-Don't think I have posted to you before but I saw you on CL's thread asking about Boundaries in Marriage. To me it is the best book, the most life-changing book for me of any I have read on marriages. The authors, Cloud and Townsend, do an excellent job of pointing out many of the patterns we fall into in marriages, the roles we tend to play, etc.
I recognized a lot of things I had been doing for years in my marriage without realizing that they were hurting my relationship. Even though my marriage wasn't saved, it helped me to break out of old patterns so that one day I will be able to have a good relationship and be a good spouse for someone else.
p.s. I had to start doing Power Points for my college classes a couple years ago. Actually once you play around with the program and look at different layouts, formats, etc it can be kind of fun!
Thank you SO much BobbiJo for coming over here and letting me know about that book! And I am so, so very sorry about your M. But your attitude is fabulous, and you know what? If you recognize what went wrong YOU WILL change it for the next one--you have HOPE which is such a blessing.
And thank you so much for giving me hope also. I will be ordering that book TODAY! I have been around these boards long enough to know--this is a huge part of what went wrong the 2nd time.
And hope for someday mastering Power Point!!! I found that Excell was like that--actually fun once I got over being scared to death by it.lol.
And hope for someday mastering Power Point!!! I found that Excell was like that--actually fun once I got over being scared to death by it.lol.
Then you have more skill than me for sure! I use Excel for classroom record keeping but I am still clueless on formatting/mathematical formulas! Very intimidated...Power Point is easier for me...
