I emailed the sister and her husband at Easter just to say "Happy Easter." Trying to maintain some semblance of "normal" with the family. I actually stated that I would NOT bring them into the middle of this situation.
The only other e-mails have been re: our son's birthday gifts..."what does he want" etc. There have been NO conversations at all about the W or the R.
Her sister told her that she thought her actions were selfish. So, somehow I am responsible for her sister's opinion.....go figure.
"Never talke to the other sex about this".....why?
"I actually stated that I would NOT bring them into the middle of this situation."
You don't have to tell them.. just don't do it. Find a mentor to vent to. Your Mom and Dad are OK.. just don't want to put them off if you and her get back together. Find an outside party to vent to. Someone that does not have any "Emotion" about the situation.
"Never talke to the other sex about this".....why?"
Within the confines of DB.com.. or possibly a C.. it is ok. It opens up to many issues. You don't really want someone that is going to coddle you thru this. Lets just say I did it and it did not turn out well. Keep the issues close.. don't spread it around. Find a healthy way to vent.. and discuss. A mentor.. A C.. A DB coach. The less people in your life that you "involve" the easier things are when you start piecing.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Well Forrest, it seems the "other shoe" has dropped. My son and she left early this morning for New England. She had my son call me early this morning and that was nice. I decided to call my son this afternoon just to say "hi" and I asked him what he was doing. "Where are you?" Wondering if their flight had been delayed due to weather, etc. "I'm in Mommy's condo!"
So, she has lied and misled me about her intentions for moving forward. I would bet money that our counseling sessions are over. She has moved on, she has her son, her condo and it's done.
So, my ring is off (hers has been off for 3 months now) and I'm moving forward. I love her, the door is open but I'm through bending and I'm through being her whipping boy for all the misery in her life. She has to own that she made the decision to leave, she made the decision to break this family apart and she has been playing me and taking advantage of my vulnerability from the beginning.
Time for me to set boundaries.
Guidance on moving forward?
I value your input. You have not been wrong thusfar!
"I decided to call my son this afternoon just to say "hi" and I asked him what he was doing. "Where are you?" Wondering if their flight had been delayed due to weather, etc. "I'm in Mommy's condo!"
Lead to this..
"So, she has lied and misled me about her intentions for moving forward. I would bet money that our counseling sessions are over. She has moved on, she has her son, her condo and it's done."
Explain again what the "plan" was. I knew she was getting son. You were OK with that.. what changed?
Or just point me to the post.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
She was living with her parents, not on her own. When we were in our last counseling session I asked her if she had a condo. She said, "no." I told her that I needed to know what her plans were because my plans depend on hers. I was prepared to support a joint marital residence in New England and to live more austerely in the Washington, DC area.
So...she lied about the condo. She has moved forward and established a residence for herself and our son independent of me. Having her move to NE with our son was a joint plan but she was to live with her parents. I thought WE were going to get a place where I could come home to on weekends. I had talked to her about that on a number of occassions but got no firm "yes or no"...just a 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' 'I don't have a plan'...well, Bullsh#$t. She had a plan and she put it into play and has appeased me alll along so I would not stand in her way with re: to taking our son to NE to live. Now that his school is over and she's got him in NE I would bet money that she will stop our marital counseling.
Tonight she asks me to start paying all of the mortgage on our house. "This will really help me. It's alot for me to cover the condo and 1/2 of the mortgage".
WEll...sorry, sweetie. YOU decided to move out and get a condo without bringing me into the equation. You figure it out. You are legally obligated to 1/2 of this mortgage. You'll get 1/2 of the proceeds once it sells and you've got full legal access to it. I don't have access to your condo....why should I help you pay for it?
1) Go dark. Limit all contact to calling my son and talking with him. Continue to pay what I have been paying into the joint account. This will cover the mortgage and 1/2 of my son's summer program/school. Withdrawing this will make it look like I've abandoned my responsibility and I can't look like a "deadbeat Dad" if we go into court. She is so credit concious there is no way she will allow that bill to go unpaid.
2) Call her and tell her that she has made this choice and that she will have to live with it. It is not my responsibility to fund her new single lifestyle. The door is open for her to take some definitive steps to work on this marriage but I am through begging her to walk through that door. It's open now but it will eventually close. Then I go dark as outlined above.
I'm headed that way this weekend and she has indicated we would go to dinner, etc. I doubt that she will follow through on that now that she has our son with her. There is no incentive to be nice to me any longer. She has what she wants. So, do I call her tonight and exercise option 2 or do I wait unitl this weekend to see how things unfold and then deliver option 2 face-to-face? Or, do I just go straight for option one?
Open to other options or suggestions from anyone with a different perspective.
You say condo.. that implies that she bought it. Or is she just renting?
"Tonight she asks me to start paying all of the mortgage on our house. "This will really help me. It's alot for me to cover the condo and 1/2 of the mortgage"."
How much of a strain would this put on you financially?
What have you actually said to her at this point. Try and recall as much of the conversation as you can. What questions did you ask.. which ones did she answer.. so on and so on.
"I would bet money that she will stop our marital counseling."
Till it happens lets not worry too much about it. Even if you stop C.. does not really change things much.
"So, here are my courses of action as I see them:"
Hold up on doing anything quite yet. Just be quiet right now.. act like nothing is wrong.
Seems the question she left you with was you paying for the house. Lets address that first.
Answer the questions as best you can.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Forrest, you are the voice of calm in the storm. Thank you so much for your guidance....reading your post really did help to slow my head down a bit.
OK...here we go:
We do not have a legal separation agreement. We have agreed to the two of them living in New England and him attending school there for the last 2 years of my active duty career. This is an informal agreement only.
Questions I have asked that she won't answer? First and foremost I have asked her if we are going to continue counseling and she refuses to answer. She dances around it vaguely but will not say "yes" or "no."
She did say that she is not "ruling out" the "possibility" that I could come stay at the condo "at some time in the future." Again...stringing me along to keep me docile.
She claims the condo arrangement is "temporary" and this is plausible as there are a ton of seasonal rentals available where she lives. Typically, this seasonal rental would expire in September. Coincidentally, September is the earliest that she can file legal paperwork given her current state residency status. So, September will represent a decision point on many fronts.
Re: the mortgage
I will be leaving this house in July. The June mtg payment is done. I can cover the full mortgage or I can cover 1/2 the mortgage and 1/2 of our child's school tuition. It's a wash either way. One of us covers the full mortgage and the other covers all of the child's school stuff. 1/2 the mtg equates (more or less) to his school tuiton. The bottom line is I can't cover the mortgage and 1/2 of his stuff AND cover my own rent at my new duty station. Her rationale for me paying the full mtg was because I would be the only one living here but as of July there won't be anyone here so that rationale is gone. June mortgage is paid and the house will be empty in July and in July I have to secure my own rental arrangement (1 month's rent and 1 month's deposit). I already put enough money in the joint account by direct deposit to cover the full mortage anyway so it's really a moot point to me. I don't care how she slices it...
I'm going to take your advice and stay quiet for now. I'm going to just let things ride and see where she decides to take this over the next 30 days. Like I said, September could be the month we establish a joint residence or it could be the month she files paperwork. I am meeting with a lawyer to prepare for the latter and not committing myself to any long term lodging obligations in case the former comes to fruition.
