Puppy.. Yeah, I didn't really want to talk directly to OW, but you know I just hated knowing in my gut that he wasn't telling her everything and making it out like we were totally through, even though we weren't. I thought maybe it wouldn't be such a nice place to run and hide if she were mad at H. And if it weren't for the fact that I'm horrible at spelling myself, I'd point her wonderful enunciations out to her. She just likes everyone to know she went to MIT, and misses the intellectual atmosphere SO much. Allen A. - Thanks for the long post, you made a lot of comments I hadn't thought of before. So, here's my response to what I can either infer, or know.
1. I know they've been somewhat physical (kissing & cuddling type stuff), but I really don't know about the sex. I did have my standard physical very recently, so I'm ok there at the moment, but I thought it was funny I haven't had a UTI in years and years and got one just a couple weeks ago. Hmmmmm.
2. It's possible. I know in his past, he has been involved with a similar situation. I figured it was in his past, but, we know how that goes when you never take care of the original issues.
3. Have Talked To: MIL - will talk to me, but won't get "in the middle", but is 'on my side' as it were SIL - thought it was b, but may be more like e at this point My Sis - same as MIL
None of the above would talk to OW right now, and if I push this, she probably won't be invited into the homes either.
Have not Talked To: Family of OW - I know they support her in this through snooping My Parents - I know they know we're having issues, but I've never really been able to talk to them about stuff like this. If I go public on facebook, I will probably be talking to them and they will probably be the same type attitude as MIL Rest of his family - He has a very small fam, the only other one to tell would be his father, and his father is, shall we say, a little unstable at times...(doesn't take needed meds correctly) My friends - not yet, but will talk to them and they will immediately side with me, but won't be likely to confront H His friends - he has many online friends, but none local. I don't know how to contact them except through facebook.
More in next post......
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Didn't you say you were going to marriage counselling?
What did the family therapist say about all of this?
SOMETHING I HOPE...
Actually we are each going to IC, I want MC, but H just keeps saying he'll think about it. I asked H point blank if he discussed his relationship with OW. H said yes. I then asked if the councelor told him it would be a bad idea right now, and he said yes. Then he looks at me and says, "But I AM following her advice to be truthful with you!"
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
There are a few posts where you just said you were doing something "wrong" and didn't explain the detail.. how can we help guide you if you decide what you're doing is wrong without even telling us what it was?
I was yelling and being generally all over emotional, I slipped back into pleading and bargaining mode and I hate it when I do that. I have decided to just start leaving when I feel like acting that way, but I'm also afraid if I just leave, it will look like I'm running away when that is what I have accused him of doing.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
1. Laugh at OW and refer to her as a "slut" who your husband is just "using" 2. Talk extensively about your sex life on face book to stir up fights between your H and OW? I am sure he's telling her he isnt' having sex with you at all 3. Don't argue with OW, just talk as if she's a foolish little tart who's being used and doesn't know it. Right now you are writing as if she's yoru equal and your husband is just enjoying the ego boost of having two women fight over him
This is how I wanted to attack the situation, and as I told my MIL, at this point I have nothing to loose, because my H is still wanting a divorce. My actions of the past few days have not been good, but neither have his. H was beginning to turn around, and then BOOM.... made sure I knew the OW was really involved with him. I think he was afraid. And then went running to her.
Back to your comments, though, on posting on Facebook. I'm not sure how to go about doing this. What I'd love to do is make a comment on H's wall something to the effect of "I'm sorry I attacked you so willfully last night. I understand your friends are important to you, and you have been trying to juggle their needs with mine."
Originally Posted By: Allen A
As long as you both fight over him like a couple of cats he's not going to give her up... he's getting way too much of a kick out of it...
I agree...
Originally Posted By: Allen A
The problem is she may just share sexual info with YOU about her and your husband if you keep posting about your sexual status.. can you handle that?
At this point, I just want my H away from her, and I'm sure she'll be just as vindictive as any other female can be.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I am just thinking if you post IN GENERAL on facebook rather than to her specifically and post all the warm positive moments in your marraige and everything your H is doing for YOU OW will read that and will get the message that she's being used... not sure... what do you think?
Right now, I think it would be a good idea if good things were happening. Since Saturday, it's been downhill at a steep slide. I think I'll try starting with just mentioning everyday things on H's wall about DD. I haven't tended to post directly on his wall in the past, so he may be suspicious of my motives though.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
Right now I think your best response to OW on facebook is to IGNORE her messages to you entirely... its a LOT more demeaning to ignore her...
BUT I would keep posting all marital activity publically there so she can see that your H is making an effort in the marriage... Most women I can't imagine would pursue a man they KNOW is pursuing a marriage and lying to them about it... Most women don't want to be used like that
I like this line of thinking, but OW has been hiding in background now for over a year, so she's willing to do her time and wait it out. I think, though, that now she thinks H is hers, she won't be nice to him if I can get under her skin.
What do you think?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I actually just thought of something I could post on H's wall. I just applied for a job today and he helped me out with a particularly difficult "reason for leaving" response. Maybe I could post something about that as a lead-in to posting other stuff.
And on the comment about the apology for getting so nasty the past two days... maybe I could replace the word 'mine' with 'family' so it reads....
"I'm sorry I verbally attacked you so willfully last night. I understand your friends are important to you, and you have been trying to reach a balance between your need for friendship and your need to spend time with your family."
I never actually apologized too much before (I just did the joke and go on type thing) so when I attack, I try to do that now, and I think rearranging the wording in that statement puts the emphasis on his "friendship" and his "family" rather than OW and ME. What do you think?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I think he will see it as justification of his "we're only friends" b.s.
Leave it be. Only apologize for angry outbursts or rude or disrespectful behavior -- never for standing up for fidelity, and for your marriage!
Puppy
It was a very angry outburst last night when he got home. And even though I feel justified in it, I feel like I should still be the one to extend the olive branch. But then, is that just more of the type of pursuing behavior I need to avoid?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
As long as he isn't going to think his OW is a "friend" and you are approving of his open marriage...
I would remove the argument part though, you don't want to show OW there is any fighting going on...
Re the marriage therapy... a marital therapist is a VERY DIFFERENT thing from a personal therapist... IC is a waste of time in repairing marital conflict in my opinion.
Don't wait for your H to "think about it"... just find a GOOD one and go individually to set an example.. it will take you a while to find a good one anyways. You want to "interview" them on your own first to be sure they are going to be valuable in helping you repair your marriage... MANY marriage therapists will tell your H useless things or even destructive things.. You want to filter those OUT before you convince him to go...
When a family member says they dont want to "take sides" or "get in the middle" you tell them this :
I am not asking you to choose me or him. I am asking you to choose our marriage over our divorce. I am asking you to speak up and support us in working with a family therapist to get through this rough point in our mariage. I am not asking you to attack my husband, I am asking you to protect him from making a mistake and protect our marriage from a dangerous interloper.
Oftentimes when you appeal to family for help they feel like you want them to attack your spouse and many are uncomfortable with that. Its important that you make it clear you love your spouse and want their help to motivate your H to work WITH you...
If your H brings up talking about your marriage with OW
Our marriage is none of HER business. She is NOT a licensed family therapist. If she was and doing what she's doing now she would have LOST her license a LONG TIME AGO. If you want to talk about your marriage you talk to a licensed objective trained professional... NOT someone you are having SEX with in SECRET.
So, just to be sure I understand things accurately, your H's position right now is that he's living with you, sharing a bed, having sex with you, but he wants a divorce?
Is that his position on the marriage right now?
Is your H accepting that he's having an emotional affair and claiming he's in love or is he just saying this woman is a "friend"?
Apologizing for name calling and yelling isnt' pursuit, it's setting an adult example for him to follow.
BUT it is important you make it clear what you are apologizing for and what you are NOT apologizing for... NEVER lead him to think you in any way support his lying, cheating, or escapist attitude.
I am still trying to get a feel for his position on all of this other than he wants a divorce... You are writing mostly about OW.
She just likes