Sandi2, no joke about the love dare. That was a big bomb. Little more background. The OM, is her boss (principle). She is under contract at this time. There is no way for there not to be some contact. I came deal with that, if the contact is the correct kind. I am committed to my marriage, fighting for my marriage, but I will not be run over or in an open marriage. I will not continue unhappy, like we both have been. W says she is through "checked out", but has not made the move to leave the bedroom, house or hide her nakedness. She has talked about D, even last week, but made no move to do anything. I will not at this time move or file. I will have to have concrete info to ask her about OM again. The other two times have ended very badly and set us way back. She has gotten were she calls or text me a lot more for little or no reason. Last Thursday when she brought up D, I told her that was probably the best thing. That never of us had been happy for a while and I didnt see it changing. I didn't plead, beg, ask to go to counselling or anything like that this time.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
You need to go to the matresses about this. The stakes are too high to be wrong HEA.
Say I call her hand. She lets me see phone and there is nothing there. Then what? Should I try to check ahead of time and know the text are there? I can't say for sure that there is still a EA or if she has become a WAW.
Hea to W: "I'm relieved. Your behavior and changes recently have given me pause and I'm deeply concerned about our M. Infidelity is one of my concerns. Thank you for being open with me."
Greek
As far as she is concerned, it is over. Or at least that what her words are.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
She wants to sell the house. Been an issue for a while. We need to do a few things before we can list. Should I put all my efforts into getting it ready to sell, drag my feet, or what. I would really like to keep it at least for a year or two, so if we do go through a D, my kids will have some resembles of normal.
Nothing in her email out of the ordinary. Phone is going to be a hard one.
What do I do in the meantime? GAL? 180s? Dang it is hard to find anyone to do anything with. All my friends what to do stuff with their S and kids. Been working out at home, think I'll join the gym.
This is some hard stuff, but I'm ready to put the work into it to make it work or let her go. I am ready to be that happy person again.
She is out of town with some of her students, she called early and chatted a few minutes. Told me to let the kids call later if they wanted to. I can't figure this woman out. She is all over the board. I don't call or text first, unless it is something that I have to tell her.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
When you have a WAW who is involved in an EA, you have to start working for your M in a different way than if she wasn't in an A. I think Coach said something about that. There are so many good books out there to teach us how to "improve" the M, but you need much more than improving.....you need to save it first, and then you can look at the areas to improve. I hope that makes sense.
Quote:
I just need her to give us the chance to make this M work. I have changed some things (for the me and for the better person I want to be), doing 180s, GAL.
Okay let's look at this for a minute. I have to tell you that your W is not going to work on the M. She is not going to give the two of you the chance to make it work. When you realize that reality, then you will be free to do your own work and not be expecting anything from her. If you read very many threads from newcomers who are LBH's, you'll see how they keep looking for the W to do something......and she just is not....b/c she is through with the M. So, it's all up to you. Don't expect anything positive from her....especially work. You will have to do it all.
My suggestion is that you focus on yourself and finding a life that may or may not include your W, but you act as if it doesn't include her. I know it seems all your friends are in pairs, but you will figure out places to go and things you used to enjoy before M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I have come to this realization. I know it will be totally up to me. I am ready for the work, have started the work, and will continue the fight. I have a lot of work cut out for me, a lot of things to change about myself and my actions. I first have got to be the person that I want to be, then I can see where our marriage comes into that. I know some of what has to be different going forward, if she can't agree to that, then it will be what it is. I'm tired of being unhappy, being the peace maker, putting my life on the back burner. I'm taking a stand for myself finally. Thanks to everyone here, this site is A+. She is going to a concert this weekend, think I'm going to take the kids and go to the beach for the weekend. This is very unlike me, but I'm ready for a change of pace. I know that isn't just me, but they are a big part of my life.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
That sounds really good! And you know what? If she doesn't ask any questions about what you and the kids are going to do, I'd just keep quiet about it. You see, she is focused on herself instead of her H & children. So if she doesn't show enough interest to even ask.....don't inform her of your plans. Then you can surprise the kids! But of course, if you have to leave, etc. before she does.....
The kids will be so excited and will be telling mommy how much fun they had spending a day with their dad at the beach.
It's good to have some kind of "plan" tucked away in your mind, so if you need to find something to do at the last minute, you can fall back on that plan. Staying home and doing things around the house or with the kids is fine, but it can also become like a "trap" if you do it to the point that you aren't going out and doing things just for you. Know what I mean?
Another reason to have a back-up plan is so wheneven your W springs some plans of her own and automatically thinks you'll babysit, that's when you tell her "Sorry, but I've made plans and you'll have to find somebody else to keep the kids". She won't like it, but after a few times of this....she'll learn to respect you and at least "ask" if you have plans before she just assumes you'll be home.
It will seem odd to go out and leave your W and kids at home, b/c being a family man....you aren't use to leaving them behind. The point here is that she sees you going out and having fun and building a life "without her" in it. That should stir her curiousity a little bit! Plus, becoming more involved in activities should help to make you very interesting.
Remember that you show good manners when you're home and speaking to your W, but you treat her as if she was a co-worker or a clerk at a store. You do not ask questions about her day, b/c she sees that as pressure (especially if she's having an A) and....you aren't to give the impression you are even interested. You don't start conversations with her. If she wants to talk then you look into her eyes as she speaks (women need that--and she'll know you are really paying attention to what she says), but you let her talk. If she asks questions, you keep your answers short. DO NOT get into R discussions b/c it will lead to an argument. If she says something about the R, then you can nod your head or say, "I'm sorry you feel that way". But, don't get into it with her.
A big thing is to stop making contact through-out the day with her. Unless it has something to do with the kids or an emergency....no contacting. And, don't use the kids as an excuse to contact her. I see LBH's doing that a lot. It is obvious to her. Your WAW may be in a fog but she can see through a lot of things about you b/c she knows you so well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Staying home and doing things around the house or with the kids is fine, but it can also become like a "trap" if you do it to the point that you aren't going out and doing things just for you. Know what I mean?
Sandi, I know exactly what you mean. That is part of the issue.
It will seem odd to go out and leave your W and kids at home, b/c being a family man....you aren't use to leaving them behind.
Right on here
A big thing is to stop making contact through-out the day with her.
I don't contact her unless she contacts me.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
