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Hey fig, thanks for stopping by and offering your words of advice and encouragement. What an idiot that he let someone like you go

OK guys, I need some input here. So you guys saw STBX's last email, she'd also proposed a schedule for Jun/Jul since she'll be out of town and we'll need to switch DD's days. I haven't responded to her yet but I need to today. I'm not really sure what the response should be like. Should I thank her for bringing DD to the girl scout's event etc or not? She is making an effort to bring her since I work 60 miles away but then again she's signing her up for these things without asking me.

So, this is the best I could come up with which really only talks about DD's schedule:


Thanks for the info. Here's the revised Jun sched:

S: 9-12 (weekend split but necessary)
M: 13-16
S: 17-20
then back on sched which works with your Jul sched.

Your proposed Jul schedule splits the weekend of the 4th though I'm good with that.

yep. From whatever show it was: "just the facts, ma'am." You don't need to thank her for doing something she didn't consult you about and you didn't sign up for. That's the old SR- the one who thought that would make a difference in how she treated you and what actions she'd take b/c you were being nice. Now we know it doesn't matter, so you don't need to go an inch out of your way to do extra nice-ness. And not doing so, is not rude or mean, it just is. Keep it very businesslike, straight to the point, polite, short.

She just sent me a text while I was in a meeting:

"i know ur super busy and all, but I sent u an email. Anyway, DD is excited for family day today so I hope u can spend a little time there with her"

Then 5 mins later she forwards me a father's day coupon for a train ride at the park saying "if you want to take DD there"

...so Alice, do you agree with what I have as a draft then? maybe add something about the family day at DD's? from her email it sounds like she's not going? I guess it's fine if she isn't but DD asked me the other day 'daddy will you pick mommy up in her car and come to family day or maybe she can pick you up'- she wanted us both to be there. I guess I shouldn't mention it to her? I'm confused...need some advice.

SR, you are not your STBX's parent, she is responsible for her R with her DD just as you are responsible for your R with DD. She knows the score and is choosing to do what she does. You have a good time with your DD and make no excuses for STBX's absence, just say to DD "you'll have to ask Mom why she isn't here" That's it!

Dont pressure her about going to family day.

I simply mention various cub scout or girl scout ceremonies to my XW and leave it up to her if she wants to see her kids advancement ceremonies. She never shows up and I dont care.

It is great that she let you know about the father's day train ride coupon. When I find ideas like this that can benefit the kids and XW, I let her know. I even added my XW as part of the family Oregon Zoo season membership. That way she or I can take the kids to the zoo whenever convenient. Ed still has to pay

I have no intentions of pressuring her but I figure if I should atleast tell her what DD told me about me picking her up etc? without telling her to go too.

As for the coupon I know her, this is how she is. She'll be all nice and sweet on the surface whenever she's feeling guilty which isn't very often but she's full of resentment about stuff so it's hard to thank her for anything.

She just sent another text:

"Hello? U cld at least answer a txt or email? DD has that party today and tomorrow at the mall and you didn't even let me know when you're picking her????"

So I hurried up and sent her this via email:

"Here's the revised Jun sched:

S: 9-12 (weekend split but necessary)
M: 13-16
S: 17-20
then back on sched which works with your Jul sched

Your proposed Jul schedule splits the weekend of the 4th but I'm good with that.

I'll be there for DD's family day at school today. For the build-a-bear party I'll pick her up around 5pm. In the future I'd really appreciate it if you could consult with me when you're signing her up for activities that require me to pick her up at different times, places etc. Thanks."

Sounds good to me. Calm, cool and businesslike. You bi-passed that little trap she set for you with the snarky email. Way to go SR!

Sorry SR, was having a lovely 2-hour dentist appt or would've responded sooner. I think your email was right on and you didn't rise to the bait of her frustrated text, i.e., you did it 100% right, IMO.

Just keep replying with business, no emotion. Like my H, if she has nothing to "work with" in terms of your reactions- if you stay very calm and don't even acknowledge when she's getting irritated, etc., eventually it won't be as interesting for her to bait you. That's the thought, anyway...

(((SR)))

btw, enjoy time with your DD and I agree w/whoever said (and I've been using this already with mine): "you'll have to ask Mommy why she didn't come, sweetheart". No negativity, no implication that she should've come, etc. She's old enough to tell her mom when she wants her to come and if she does and XW doesn't come, well, that says a lot. But you'll still be there for her.

Thanks guys!!

Her response:

"I would have consulted with you but it was the last meeting for her daisy troop and its their party. I just got the email and then sent you an email, that was the first I knew of it as well. Same with her day camp over the summer, the troop paid for the fees so it was already covered and she'll have fun with the girls. After that, she's not in that troop anymore since I can't get her to the meetings (they start back up in the fall.)

I was fine with June's schedule why are you revising that???"

The only thing worth responding about (and she asked a question) is the schedule for Jun. I guess the old one will work too. I just hate sounding wishy-washy and say 'ok sure we can keep the old schedule' for some reason I thought the old one had more weekend splits but it's just one like the new one.