Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Exposed finally,,limbo land

I'm being paranoid about the first time posters asking questions that my W or OM would ask.

So I got the advice from the attorney, he said at this point just let it play out, whatever she does, we will address when it comes up.

I will not be leaving the house at all. She was asked to, but at this time she can do whatever she wants - stay, go, whatever, I really don't care. I love her but at this point have little effect on her actions.

She is all over the place with everything she does in life, and therefore it has me looking into MLC info. So far, everything I read points directly at a typical female MLC scenario. She has never rebelled in any part of her life, and is choosing now I guess. She says,"I went straight from my parents, to first M, and 3 months later to you. I've never had time just to be me and be happy."

I ordered a book, women in mid-life crisis, and will take suggestions on others.

She has pretty much alienated herself from all family, hers and mine.

I have to take care of DD's and me, she has taken some semi-risky moves concerning DD's and I need to make sure they are safe. At this point, I have to consider myself the primamry caregiver, being that she just pushes youngest off on others, and lets 14 yr old do whatever she wants.

If she files, she files, I'm not going to worry about it. But I am going to make sure these kids are not scarred for life with poor actions taken by her at this time.

You have the right attitude Opti.. and yes you ARE the primary caregiver.. keep that up ...

She wanted to talk last night when I got home from work. She was pretty mad after finding VOR snooping device, but couldn’t argue the fact that I used it to try to get some truth, because everything she has said for the last month has been lies to cover the A. She immediately calmed down, and got to the heart of the matter.
She wrote a note explaining that she was going to file for D, so she could stop the lying and the hurting. She said she will cooperate so we don’t go bankrupt. She says I deserve to be loved more deeply than she can. She says she has tried and prayed and it’s just not there, and no amount of counseling will help(never tried). “please just let me go so we can both have a chance to find some sort of peace from within”.
I talked with her about separating instead, so as not to cause undue damage to the M, family, and kids from issues that can be resolved. I told her that I didn’t want to pressure her in any direction, and that I felt that she should try not to let the pressure from OM to kill our M effect her either. We ended with her saying she couldn’t talk about it now, she had a lot to think about. I know she went to lawyer, and he is drawing up some stuff for her to sign tomorrow or Thursday. I was hoping our talk would help some, but her BF told me that when they were at coffee today that W seemed pretty adamant about her decision.
So here I sit, feeling like a sitting duck, just waiting for the hunters to show up, I’m thinking I will be served some time in the next week, and then have to start that nightmare process.
She has turned her back and is running from everything she knows, me, our families, her faith, and I’m thinking at some point soon her job, so as to take one closer to OM house(over 1 hour away). He is the only person she feels she can turn to at this point.
I hope you guys will help me through all this, I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I have to for my DD’s sake.

Also posted at new thread in MLC

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2020362#Post2020362

Opti, you focus on getting your daughter adn you as primary caregiver, your wife is NOT stable enough to handle that right now... And you taking that on sets an example of adulthood..

I really don't know about you backing off and giving her space etc...

My advice is for you to find a good family therapist and set an example by going on your own... after a few sessions if you like the FT have the FT put a hand written invite on the card and leave the card for your wife...

I am at a loss today, did you confront OM's wife if he's married?

I will have to read back to find out what exposure you did and how deep...

What about her parents? SOrry, I know this is all in teh thread, I have had a very long day at work, it may help to have a summary for everyone to read so we know where you aer at just from reading one post

He is single.
I exposed to her, her BF, her F and MIL, and her Bro, and my family. She is making sure to stay out of canyact with all of them. If she has a free minute, it is spent TM, calling, or going to see OM.
My booting her isn't working to well, I didn't do it forcefully enough, but she is getting a place at end of month.
I plan on getting a direct answer of seperation, or filing, I already know the answer, 95% sure, but I need to hear it from her I guess. Or do I even go there? Do I go dark? I'm a f'ing mess. This frieghttrain she has has no brakes at all. 03/08/10 first TM, 04/02/10 first phone call, mid May first contact? and D 2 weeks later?
So for sounding so weak, I just feel like I'm getting hiy so fast, I can't get my hands up to block anything.

Don't file, why would YOU file if YOU want to saev the marriage?

I would make it CLEAR to her if she's gonig to use that phone to get OUT of the family home.. don't sit tehre miserable and let her talk to him in your own home, that's insulting...

I did it too, don't let her get away with that... If she says too bad you make it IMPOSSIBLE for her TO call him... you keep the pressure on her until she exits teh home...

Do NOT make it mean or viscious... Tell her you and your family deserve RESPECT and if she can't find the MATURITY to extend that then she can get OUT Of the house and act like an infant someplace ELSE....

Don't sit tehre and let her send text messages and phone calls...

If she PERSISTS, get a cell phone jammer, they are like fifty bucks and EASY to use

She has her lawyer drawing up some doc's. I will have my lawyer make sure I'm not getting screwed. We need to figure out the whole custody thing also.
She took D14 with her to a concert, and I knew OM was there, and I told her that she must keep D out of this, it will mess her up. She said that she understood, but who knows.
She said again that she needs to move out, I said she is free to do whatever she wants, I'm staying in house. She said if she moves she is concerned about DD's care(to get me to volunteer to leave?), I told her I would get it covered if neccessary, and she can have access to house to take care of them, when I'm not there. I would think she will be out within a week, or at least by end of month.
We will be talking to D14 Sunday night or Monday, we need to figure out what is going to be said by whom. I feel she needs to say that she no longer wants to be married to me, and she has choosen to D. I don't want DD's to think it was my idea. We'll see how that goes.

Opti, stop validating her being free to do whatever she wants... she is a MOTHER and a WIFE, she is NOT free, she has commitments and obligations... YOU need to acnowledge those and eduate her... don't tell her she's free to do whatever she likes... you are just enabling her behaviour

WIFE : I have to move out

YOU : You are a mother and have obligations, if you want to destroy those and act reckless, don't expect me to join you... I am going to be an adult... you are welcome to join me

and walk way

something like THAT is much better than

WIFE : I have to move out

YOU : You are free to do whatever you want...

That's just wishy washy and isnt' help ing you

OK - I will use that word for word tonight or tommorrow. Sorry, I'm about confused as it gets right now.