Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Exposed finally,,limbo land

Wow Pupper, that's a first for you! You usually don't like going on the offensive like that!

And yes I agree, the confrontation has to be very aggressive or it's a waste of time ... showing up and trying to negotiate or ask OM to cooperate isn't going to fly...

FIL and any other in laws have to show up and demand that he do so in order for the OM to sense there will be serious consequences if he ignores the confrontation....

That's the problem I think pup... if a person confronts gently the implicit message there is that there will be gentle consequences... if you confront aggressively, the implied message is that the consequences are severe...

It's all in the subtext!

I don't mind it if it's a 3rd person, and one who WOULDN'T be perceived as being sent by the betrayed spouse, cuz they were too chicken to do it themselves. No way a cheating woman's father would qualify for such a concern, so I think it's great.

The problems I have with BSs themselves confronting OP, is:

- it elevates them in importance

- it's perceived as weak (and you're right, normally because it's DONE weakly)

- it gives the illicit couple something to laugh about -- at your expense

- betrayed spouses will often confuse the info that they get from such an exchange as being something that actually resembles the TRUTH, and then they try to act on it. An OP will give you DECEIT at worst, and SPIN at best. There's NOTHING useful to be gained from information gleaned from such an exchange.

- many BSs couldn't handle it, and might get violent. You don't do your family any good from a jail cell.

Puppy

Yup, I understand...I read on a different website forum a case where a female LBS with two kids' WS POLICE OFFICER husband didn't come home AGAIN and was out all night.

The LBS decided to get up and confront OW directly...

The LBS marched over to OW's house, walked right in without knocking and caught her WS husband in bed with OW...

She lost her temper and started slapping the OW outright..

Guess what the WS husband police officer did?

You guessed it... He ARRESTED his WIFE for assualt and tossed her in jail...

addictions can be so vicious...

I’m in a bit of a pickle, if she continues with the EA/PA, and I need to up the ante, and ask her to leave the house. I move ½ of checking to new account, I can not cover the bills on my income alone?
I don’t see a way to stay out of bankruptcy if we split, the house would go into foreclosure, and then what? This is another part of this whole thing that scares the hell out of me.

Have you ever played Poker Optimust?

This is the part where you raise the stakes to intimidate HER... I KNOW you're scared... You have to trust that she's scared too...

If you lose the house, you lose the house... If your wife moves out... YOu lose the house anyways right?

Do you think your wife is more LIKELY to STAY if you back DOWN and FOLD here? Do you think you folding if she calls you is going to KEEP the house?

I was in your exact position last fall Opti... I didn't have enough to cover it either, and neither did SHE... But I realized if I didn't challenge her on it I would likley LOSE the house anyways... So I did...

She ended the affair when I did that... when she SAW I meant business and put all I had into it THEN she backed down...

If you think folding now is going to KEEP your house then do it... But how do you see that happening if you back down and accept the affair to continue? How long do you think her finances will be available to you to keep that house running? How long before she moves out anyways?

Is she likley to end the affair anyways if you back down? What do you think?

My usual advice is to keep raising the stakes here until she folds... If you keep hitting the affair HARD from the other end while raising the stakes at home it reallly puts the pressure on her... And the result I am seeing many times here on her end is a FOLD

OK, back to the pressure points. I have a few working on her, and I'm hoping it will spread a bit, if not I might spread it a bit.
I'm kinda stuck on his end, he is a single dude, with little to no family - a 15 year old kid, a cancer stricken g-ma that raised him(I go to her, and W will think I'm super bad guy). His work place has nothing to do with EA/PA.
But you know what, it wouldn't hurt to put an anonymous phone call into his HR department to see what they would think about a situation like this.

I know you dont' want to look like the bad guy here, but this is your family and your home... If you think that's gonna pour a raincloud on that affair and have him END the whole DEAL with your wife I say do it...

If you can get your wife to realize there's no future with this OM then she will find you a MUCH MORE appealing choice... that's the problem with infidelity is that there's no cooperation from the spouse on repairing the marriage while they have this other option hanging about... if THAT goes out the window they tend to warm up to you again real fast... In many cases.. though not in all

Opti, no one ever went to their death bed saying either of the following two things:

1) I wish I had spent more time at the office.

2) I wish I had taken less risk in my life.


Puppy

Ok, at some point in the near future I can sense a situation that is going to push my hand. At that point I will reiterate:

This is our home, and our family, we built this together, and it is ours together. I want to be in a committed, honest, loving and fun relationship with you. This can not happen as long as you are in an emotional or a physical affair, with OM, or any other man. It disrespects myself, our vows, our family, and our faith. This marriage doesn’t have room for three people.

D1 and D2 deserve an honest, stable, and loving environment which we provide them.
If you want a life full of love with me and our girls, our marriage, and our friends, you will need to end all contact with him, forever.

If you put the affair, above the needs of our family, and continue causing damage and confusion to our children, and marriage, I can not support you and I will do what it takes to protect myself an our children.

The affair. it's participants, and the pain and drama that it causes are never welcome in our home."

I need you to know that I can not live in an open marriage and if you choose the affair, I will need my space to figure some things out, and will need you to get your stuff together and find somewhere else to stay. I also will let others know that it was your choice to do this, and the reason for that choice.

This is about choices, your choices, not mine. A choice needs to be made, are you going to choose me and our family, or the affair.

Then I will expose to a few other people who may be able to encourage her to come to her senses. As well as his family and most likely his work, I have a call into his HR department to find out if there is any pressure that they can apply to him, if not I wont tell them who it is.

I will also probably soon after this retain a lawyer, so that we can start those proceedings, and be done with this. It’s not healthy for me or my kids, we don’t deserve it, and I can’t let my selfish wants and needs continue to drag this out.

Tonight I think my marriage has been given the death blow. I thought right when thinking she was planning another night out with OM. TM her a couple times from work, to see what was up, if we were doing anything after I got off work - no answer. Finally came back with ‘please just let me be‘. I knew where they were, a festival in their hometown that OM never misses, so gassed up the car to head there and another TM that she admitted where she was, so I said I was ½ way there, she said DO NOT come, I said no biggie, let’s see how you feel when a few of your hick town boys kick the [censored] out of me, just for trying to talk with you.
I asked her, are you choosing him and the affair or me and the family, she says the DD have nothing to do with it, so I asked,’ fine is it Om and affair or me?’ She says it’s nothing to do with him, I just want a D. I said, we need some space, you need to find somewhere else to live. She says ‘Me?’, I said ya, this is all your doing, I haven’t done anything wrong. She says,’last time you screwed it up, and I moved out, so this time it’s the other way around’, ‘oh, no, you left voluntarily, I am not.’
Near the end, I said I do not want a D, we need to be separated, and you can go run wild, and if after some time, you still want a D, you can have it’, probably totally wrong, but at this point, I really don’t give a rats a$$. Told her to move into the basement. She wanted to make sure I didn’t put any of her stuff outside.
We will talk tomorrow night, and see what there is to figure out.

I'm a mess