So I have recently come to some realizations. Some of which I really didnt want to come to, yet knew were there all along. I guess, in hindsight, acknowledgment of our own shortcomings are the most difficult to deal with.
I can say that I have not had an easy time when it comes to relationships. I tend to get to a point where I believe I am ready to move forward and be able to give myself to someone else, then for some reason I seem to hit this brick wall. I get to a place where I just don't feel comfortable anymore in giving myself to anyone. I have developed several issues that I just cannot seem to shake;
Trust- I cannot for the life of me get past this one. I do not have the ability to trust a woman. Not that I have been given reason not to, I just cannot do it. I become very defensive and do not allow myself to get in a place where I can get hurt.
Communication- I have the ability to communicate openly at the beginning, but at some point I get to feeling like I have opened myself up too much and I begin to shut down and close myself off to the other person. No matter how hard I try it just seems easier to me to shut the door and stop talking.
Feelings- I believe my heart is in the right place when I begin things with a woman. I even believe that my feelings are real. I start to get close to a woman and then it's like a light switch goes off and I just stop it. I somehow deny what I feel and tell myself that it isn't real it is just my compensation for being lonely.
Doubt- This has been a tough one for me because I have absolutely never been the kind of guy who doubted myself. When I was younger I was extremely confident. I still have that ability, just not with relationships. I actually find myself doubting if I deserve to have someone in my life. I hide it behind flaws that i can find in the other person, but when it comes down to it, it is all about me. It is all about my inability to believe that I deserve good things.
I think that I have not come to grips completely with the exact amount of damage that losing Carrie caused me. I cannot get past the loss of my life, the grand plan, the way I thought things were supposed to be. In all honesty I just don't even know who the hell I am supposed to be anymore. I am a dad, but it's not all natural. It's me fighting my way every day to try and do what I feel is right for my kids. I, most of the time, have absolutely no fricken clue what I am doing when it comes to them. I question myself constantly on my decisions and inability to instinctively know what to do.
I have friends, great friends in fact, many of whom have come from here. I have not however continued on many of the friendships that I had before this place. Mainly because I feel out of place with them. I was always an US when I hung out with my friends and never a me. I think that hanging out with my married friends makes me feel like a failure. Like I could not do something as simple as maintaining my marriage. I let my wife down and she left me. Fuckk, thats the bottom line of it all. I think I own way too much of what happened in my marriage.
I know this may seem like an odd post to many who will read it. I am smack dab in the middle of one of my Psychology classes in college and a lot of it is about evaluatig ourselves and I am pretty sure it has brought on this funk that I currently find myself in. What I know is that I have a lot of work left to do. I am not nearly as far past my marriage as I thought I was. I hate that after 4 years of this I am still not beyond where I am. I was talking to a dear friend the other day and we were discussing the 6 month philosophy on our spouses and the OP. The fact that mine is still with OM drives me crazy. I think I banked a lot on OM being a phase and thought that when she ended it with him I would feel better about things and be able to push forward. Stupid, I know, but it is the truth.
We allow our minds to convince us that we are ok. We allow ourselves to believe that simply becoming active again, and making new friends, and not dealing with our ex's is progress. The fact is though that if we do not do the personal maintenance and growth all of that stuff matters very little. It merely means that you are a broken individual who happens to play a lot of ball, can socially drink, and has the ability to convince many people that you are just fine. It sucks waking up and realizing that you have not done enough to sustain the progress. It's a rude awakening.
I love you Ian and I love that we both can't take psychology classes
I think you set unrealistic goals for women and relationships and then when they or the relationship don't measure up, you cut your losses.
I believe it is what also makes you go into a relationship without becoming good friends 1st...it is like they are sep. things in you noggin, you know...and it is so much harder to lose a good friend when you inevitably or they inevitably f up...you know... not that you will f up or that they will f up
but you sure think things will
you need to cut yourself some slack
I think sometimes you have some unrealistic expectations on yourself, others and relationships
don't give Carrie and her fbag this power over you
you are an awesome incredible wonderful funny smart worldly kind trustworthy loyal
fabulous father friend and companion
you are a prize sweet thing revel in it not many are
You are 41 right? Maybe you are going through a mini MLC yourself. Nothing wrong with that.
Fig is right about becoming great friends first before letting passion and romance play into a relationship. I felt rushed a bit too much with the girlfriend after my wife, and had we waited much longer before the romance, I think we would have realized much quicker that we were not very compatible. The saying is that love is a choice, but I want to also add that it cant be forced. I tried that.
The latest lady I have been seeing (her name is Carrie) for the last 3+ months seems to have a similar attitude of just taking it slow. I do think that if we continue that we both will feel better in the long run that we took it slow at first. And if our friendship does not continue to blossom, then it wont be as painful if one of us decides it would not work out.
As for your doubt, just learn to believe in yourself that you are doing your best as a father and a man.
Keep your chin up. Good things are awaiting you.
Kerry
P.S. Do you think the Nationals are going to be a contender soon now that they have the young sensations Bryce Harper and Stephen Strasburg?
Ian, I'm sorry to hear about your sitch. 16 years is a loooong time to be with someone and it's not easy when it's the not the ending we had in mind. Different people heal differently and they the recovery takes it's own shape and time for each of us. I do believe that it's only been a few months since your D was final so don't judge yourself on time. Just take one day at a time, live in today, read some books (the abandonment book is famous around here).
As for not knowing who the heck you are...you're a whole, loving and caring individual first and foremost, second you're a great dad of 3 kids. There's nothing else that matters more. So be those two things...love yourself by taking care of you, by forgiving yourself and then be the best dad you can to your kids. Everything else will fall into place on its own.
Your friends shouldn't make you feel a failure nor should you blame yourself for your marriage. Marriage is about two people, no matter how much one person tries to make it work it just won't work if the other person's not into it. You did your best, she didn't. That's that.
Take care of yourself, find new friends if you have to, GAL.
Oh and if figgeroni is a chick, buy her a one way ticket to Memphis!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Hey, Ian. What a timely post. I keep thinking I should be farther along, should be 'better' than I am by now. But at the same time I am still pissed bc I thought when I got married that it was for my whole life, I meant it when I said it and hell even if I screwed up my fair share it didn't mean I didn't want to be married. So I think we need to let THEM own that they chose to walk away, we didn't.
Anyway I don't know what I have to offer except that I agree, getting a bunch of hobbies and making new friends, going through all of the motions of 'moving on' is not the same as actually moving on. Fake it till you make it only gets us so far.
Sorry you have to be back on the boards but at the same time, glad to see you here bc I missed you.
If I call Eli (teacher @ my son's school) Ian one more time....
No, your post doesn't seem odd at all to me.
I remember reading your posts when I first found this place, and how much I gained from them. It is a good thing to come to realizations & do self evaluation, that should probably continue thru our lives, right? It looks like you're being pretty tough on yourself though.
The OP is still in the picture for me also, over 3 years later. But I've rarely fit the typical profile in anything, so why would that be any different.
I will also admit, I was thinking once the OW was out of the picture I would have a much easier time with the whole thing.
As far as kids, what makes you think you would instinctively know how to proceed. Parenting can be challenging. I just moved my oldest son out of the house today, leaving him a message with his new address. Not instinctual at all.
Thank you for your message on the alt, by the way, it helps to have all the support you can get with kids.
It actually doesn't seem like 4 yrs is that long, in the scheme of things, to move thru the ending of a marriage. It's quite a shock to the system.
My former spouse was my first true love. Because of the sexual molestation in my youth, I had serious trust issues, especially with men. He broke through and wanted to know all of me. It was so wonderful, I didn't recognize or have the confidence to address the red flags.
It's always easier to look back and beat yourself to a pulp. It's more comfortable to look back at what was, that look forward. Staying in the dark is easier on the eyes than going into sunlight.
But at the end of the day, where would you rather be?
And kids? They are who they are whether you're a couple or not. Divorce brings challenges but also has its own odd consistency.
As a single parent, you choose how to address the matters, the consistency of boundaries and consequences are yours to own.
But I babble.
Ian.. you're an incredible guy as shown by your posts and giving to others.
Someone once told me, "Kathleen, you have great thoughts, aspirations.. now give them legs."
The fact is though that if we do not do the personal maintenance and growth all of that stuff matters very little. It merely means that you are a broken individual who happens to play a lot of ball, can socially drink, and has the ability to convince many people that you are just fine. It sucks waking up and realizing that you have not done enough to sustain the progress. It's a rude awakening.
Ian, I am in a different place than you are. But I want to ask "for now?". And that should give you a clue about how I feel. And my thoughts and coping mechanisms after "the loss" arent that much different than what you describe. But you and me and those of us that realise this is the case, have a better chance to deal with it the "right way". And sometimes it just helps, to control our expectations from our selves. Just play it by ear, relax, have fun. Do things that make you feel complete and content. NOT things that make you look like you are "OK".... Hugs Ian, xxxx, I have missed you too... K
sounds to me like you may just be farther along than you give yourself credit for...
I can name tons of people who never deal with their own chitt..who never look inward as you have..
I've got a few things to address with you..
Trust-Rome was not built in a day Ian....once a man has been screwed over..I think it's hard for him to trust..whether it be business or personal relationships...it's something I struggle with but make myself do...life is full of hurts..guess what..you'll be hurt by something or someone else before you die..it's inevitable...
Communication--ahhh my favorite topic...shutting down..fight it all the time..it's in every man..simply because we get tired of women who bitch and nag...from our mom's, sisters, girlfriends, co-workers...they all do it...they are trained to do it..hell they pass it down from generation to generation...the only way to change anything from your point of view is to be a good listener...speak your mind..
Feelings--I think if you truly learn to trust..then you can give your heart
Doubt--stop being a dick...you doubt yourself because you are 1. getting older 2. cause you're being a dick
Quote:
I think that I have not come to grips completely with the exact amount of damage that losing Carrie caused me.
you may not have come to grips with it....but it's the best thing that ever happened to you...she is batchittcrazy..and for that there is no cure..
