Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Exposed finally,,limbo land

And when presenting this do NOT apologize... This is HER mess...

Speak to her the same way you would a destructive teenager you CARE ABOUT...

Do not speak patronizingly, or arrogantly...

Speak with calmn, confident, educated consequence focussed dialog only...

"You have a choice to rebuild a marriage here or to tear a home, a marriage, and a family into pieces that you have to live with for the rest of your life. I have made lots of mistakes and so have you, I am NOT going to ruin children over that... YOU ARE... or you are going to stop this nonsense and work with me and a therapist to rebuild this into something good and healthy for both of us."

Don't say "what's it gonna be" just offer silence... she will fill in the blanks

You walk away... do NOT SYMPATHIZE with an addict, you state the situation in simple terms, cut off their addiction supply lines and wait for them to run to the streets or to agree to rehab

NO SYPATHIZING... you say it simple, factual, and with care...

Your wife is gonig to cry, threaten, scream, throw things... she's an addict and she will manipulate you into a codependent situation as long as you ALLOW THAT...

So, in my sitch, with us agreeing to seperate in a couple weeks when DD's are out of school, I'm sure she is going to try to get me to go to bro's, I'm going to stand my ground at that point and give her:

"You have a choice to rebuild a marriage here or to tear a home, a marriage, and a family into pieces that you have to live with for the rest of your life. I have made lots of mistakes and so have you, I am NOT going to ruin children over that... YOU ARE... or you are going to stop this nonsense and work with me and a therapist to rebuild this into something good and healthy for both of us."

Or is there some stuff I can do in the middle, because it seems everytime R talk comes up(seems I should avoid), she is determined to let me know 'I just don't have those feelings', & 'OM has nothing to do with our problems', even 'I should have left a long time ago'?

That is classic script from WAW in EA. I've gotten all of those many times, and as recent as a few days ago.

Suggest: validating it will not be easy to gain feeling back and although you wish she didn't feel that way, you understand.

Validate OM had nothing to do with root problems however if she is giving him her emotional energy, then she is not putting everything she needs too into rebuilding your family, so he might not have anything to do with problems and he needs to not have anything to do with solutions.

As far as you should have left a long time ago, either ignore it or something along the lines of you are choosing to work on marriage and are not ready to quit trying at this point.

I'm no vet - just someone who is dealing with and has been dealing with the same thing...

You can do this, stay calm, in the end you will feel better for getting everything out, open, and on the table.

"Wife, I agree that OM is not the complete problem with the dysfunction in our marriage. He is, however, the most immediate OBSTACLE, and that is by your daily CHOICE. End your affair, and let's work on re-building our marriage much better than it was before."

Puppy

The word 'WORK' is some kind of trigger for her, 'I don't want to work on it', I need some help with how to get this point across in a different manner.

Well, that's a problem, because -- I'm sorry -- but marriage IS work, and she has a very immature notion of it if she thinks it's just some romantic fuzzy "You complete me" movie act.

But you could say "And let us both start to get back to meeting each other's emotional needs, and re-discovering what it was that made us fall in love with each other to begin with," if you want.

"Oprah" enough for ya??

Puppy

I like it - much better than let's work on it.

Negotiate
Effort
Explore
Defer to Family Therapy

There are a myriad of ways to describe the "work" that goes into bonding a lifelong commitment... take your pick

You have a choice to rebuild a marriage here or to tear a home, a marriage, and a family into pieces that you have to live with for the rest of your life. I have made lots of mistakes and so have you, I am NOT going to ruin children over that... ARE YOU?(hard to answer yes here, right?)

I agree that OM is not the complete problem with the dysfunction in our marriage. He is, however, the most immediate OBSTACLE, and that is by your daily CHOICE. End your affair, and let us both start to get back to meeting each other's emotional needs, and re-discovering what it was that made us fall in love with each other to begin with and we can work on re-building our marriage much better than it was before.

I will add this point from Spring's book :

It takes as much work to UNDO a marriage as it does to REBUILD a marriage. Ending a marriage isn't any less work.


Your wife has work to do either way, she's not escaping anything.. the paperwork, the negotiating, the schedules, dividing up assets, finding new residence to live, MOVING... its a LOT of WORK

She can AVOID all of that by ending the affair and commiting to a reconcilliation plan with a FT...

fit that in there someplace

I woudl definitely make HER do the WORK of moving OUT if she refuses to end her affair..

Let her know she can avoid the WORK of moving OUT if she ENDS the AFFAIR