I dunno about agreeing to divorce, but yes nm you got the idea... I don't ordinarilly advocate endorsing divorce to shake a spouse up unless NOTHING ELSE seems to wake them up... EVERY OTHER rock should be lifted FIRST before that sucker
BUt ya, you got the rest of it solid... keep changing things so he's on the defensive.
try this instead, its a bit diffrent :
"I decided I can't trust you, but I deserve a husband who is protects and supports their family not some predatory woman. We need a loving father and husband who puts us first, but I haven't seen a real man around here in a long time."
Okay - I need to be clear on what I meant when I said my H said it was okay that I go. Of course he cannot stop me - BUT, from the research I've been doing, it seems that he could put up a legal fight for me taking our daughter. Or, he could just refuse to give her back after he watches her tomorrow (which I can't not have him do because I have to work).
I did not ask him if it was okay that I go- I told him I was going. But, I was very relieved when he just quietly said "okay" - because that meant I wouldn't have to fight over our daughter at this point. I told him that I was going to "play it by ear" in terms of when I'm coming back - and I don't intend to come back until I'm good and ready. My hope is that by being faced with an empty house and missing family, it will start to turn his stomach - he's been awful to me, but he's remained fairly dedicated to seeing our daughter so I know this won't be pleasant for him.
I also chose to expose to his mom today - I felt it important that she understand why I would take off with my D. over father's day - I did it in person and she was noticeably crushed that her son has done this. I think he had her just as convinced as I was that all of these "stories" about we're "just friends" were true . . . and now that she knows that it's a real A., she is so disapointed in him. I felt badly, however, because I know she's in real pain. She is a fabulous mother and really didn't raise my H. this way - family values have always been important to her and I know she is devastated that her son has made these choices. I felt somewhat selfish dropping this load on her, but then again . . . it's the pressure I need to encourage my husband to do what's right for his family.
He called me tonight wanted to "check on times for tomorrow." But then he was just trying to make simple conversation and I cut it off - said I had to get my grades done. So he called back a little bit later and wanted to talk about what I told his mom - he didn't sound angry - he sounded really low and depressed. He said he's not bummed that I told her for himself, but he wanted me to know how much it upsets her. And I said, "I know . . . we're all bummed at the choices you've made."
And then I told him I also told my boss today so that I could control how she hears it and his response is "why did you call in an affair." He was clearly perterbured at that labeling - I said "because that's exactly what you call it when your spouse violates the vows he/she made to you."
Then I told him I had to go finish my grades and I got off the phone. I sincerely hope that he's coming to an understanding of the pain he's caused everyone and starting to recognize his own role in the situation - I doubt we'll go forward without more steps backward - but just maybe this will be a first positive sign.
Of course, since I had previously told him that I wasn't planning to tell anyone (moment of desperation when I confronted him over most recent information garnered from my colleagues), he is probably also wondering if I will tell anyone else.
And I'm still not sure what' I'm going to do with that - I need to determine what would happen to me financially should he lose his job while I still have one.
Mel this is spectacular, you really seem to have a handle on this... well done.
Let him be bummed, leave him to wallow in the mess he's made that is just NOW coming to the surface of daylight.
he's going to whine and play victim like a child at times, wanting everyone to feel sorry for HIM... Just walk away... its pathetic.
After he wallows for a while you can tell him
"You have ONE CHANCE to clean this mess up. I am willing to attend a family therapist program with you to explore if the damage you've done can be repaired or not... I don't have my hopes up, but our family is the most important thing to me, even if you have decided to urinate on that for the last x months"
I am going to set something up, even if you aren't going I am going because I feel like crap and need to find out how to process how violated I feel over how much you've shamed our marriage and our children... our CHILDREN. I will give you info on the time and date of the appointments and find out from the therapist if you are welcome to attend."
And walk away.. he may want to say something just put your hand up and show him he needs to save it for later...
Just walk out
Don't do that yet... wait for a while... let the exposure get more into him. It does sound like its having the desired effect.
You WILL need to keep reinforcing the points you've made
Call it an affair, not a friendship etc.. you've been doing great with that... NEVER backup and refer to it as anything else from this point... This woman is not a friend, she's a threat to your home and your children...PERIOD.
Keep exposing. He may protest more, just do what you did, it was great.
Infidelity is a good word to use too... It has a very unsavoury sound to it.. affair in some cases may romanticize the mess a bit over much (puppy pointed this out). Affair is a good word to use too, as long as it captures what's going on without hiding anything.
There's a great book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. My advice Mel is for you to BUY IT.. you dont have to read it right away.. just buy a few infidelity books especially THAT one and leave them laying around your home to haunt him... he may even pick one up and look in it...
Buy about six including the Glass... put bookmarks in them so he can see you are reading them...
Read them at your leisure, but leave them laying around the home. Do that before you leave if you can.
Allen and Puppy - you guys are great. We are so blessed to have you on here.
Think I might have stepped backwards a bit tonight. My H. had daughter in our house while I was at work (counselor suggested that this might tug at his heart strings a bit) - when I came home, he wanted to talk. I tried to avoid, he pursued. He was hell bent on trying to convince me that this was the first time he crossed the line - oh, and "it's not like there's anything going on between them" - it was just a stupid drunk move on his part and she has since told him "oh yeah, it was stupid - you were drunk". He says there is no R or A with her.
I probably should have been more aggressive in the no talking, but of course I let it continue because I was hoping he would tell me he wanted to work on things. Nope - just doesn't want me calling it an "affair" when it was a single transgression . . . and he got me to the point where I let a few angry remarks out . . . which I had been trying to avoid.
While he was there his sister called - said she was calling "for his mom" who was too choked up to call me. Apparently, my MIL been a wreck for the past day because I'm taking my daughter out of town to visit my mom 8 hours away. We live a mile from his parents and they love our daughter. I made sure they knew that I wasn't leaving forever - I guess they thought this would be a logical decision for me given the circumstances. She let me know that both she and her husband thought that he was a real idiot and support me. Since my husband was there (she called in the middle of our talk), I didn't really think to react and ask her to tell my husband to end the affair and go back to his family. I'm considering emailing her to tell her just that.
My MIL wanted SIL to call me to make sure it's okay if my FIL comes over tomorrow to say good bye to my daughter. They are taking this hard and so I am feeling badly for them.
Okay - so at this point I don't think anyone thinks I want to save this marriage. I was colder than I wanted to be with my H - and I didn't clearly articulate to my SIL that I want to save the marriage. So, not sure how to fix that.
Also - I'm not quite ready to give him a "last chance" ultimatum - I don't think he'll accept it at this point as he's still holding quite a bit of anger and self righteousness. I want to let him know that I haven't thrown in the towel without giving him the power back completely. I'm definitely in charge right now and I like it, but I don't want the consequence of having the power to be that I lose my M.
There's more - he texted me tonight saying he's "sorry from the bottom of his heart for his actions" and "not sure he'll ever forgive himself." He wants to sit down in the next couple of days to talk it out and "get everything on the table." He knows I am planning on leaving tomorrow AM and that I don't plan to be back in the next couple of days.
I responded by letting him know that I didn't want to talk yet, that I wasn't planning to be back for a week or so, but that I still love my family and think that somewhere under all of this he's still a good man. Also mentioned my reason as going to my family as "getting my head clear."
He also had to bring the keys back to the car I am taking - he accidently took those with him and was nice about bringing them back. I was cordial and thanked him.
I was just improving like crazy - not sure if I did well or made it worse. Part of me thinks that if he wants to talk, I should go for it, but part of me thinks that he just wants an opportunity to convince me it's not the A that's the problem so that he can absolve himself of the guilt he's feeling. I think he's going to throw a million reasons at me why it wasn't the A that is the problem.
So, would love any coaching on 1) When/how to agree to talk to him; b) how to respond if he starts hurling hurtful things at me to explain away A.
Part of me thinks that if he wants to talk, I should go for it, but part of me thinks that he just wants an opportunity to convince me it's not the A that's the problem so that he can absolve himself of the guilt he's feeling. I think he's going to throw a million reasons at me why it wasn't the A that is the problem.
Melody just leave him to squim for a week or so... don't talk to him, give him the silent treatment...
Let our in laws beat him up for you...
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1. Put a script together indicating where you stand and your goals 2. Read the script to your in laws as a group if they can do that 3. Show them the video I posted for guerilla divorce busting 4. Don't talk to your H, just keep away from him until you have your head clear and some scripts put together 5. Start working on a script of what you want to say to your H 6. Tell your in laws you welcome any abuse they want to hurl at your husband, but that because you want to save your marriage you won't be doing it yourself
Thanks, Puppy and Allen, this is helpful. I'm leaving town this morning so I think I'll need to talk to inlaws via phone or email. I'm thinking I'll email SIL knowing that it will be shared wider. She's clearly supporting his mom through this. I think that if they know there's a chance, they will encourage (pressure?) him to work things out. That way I don't have to. If he comes back as a result of their pressure, is that a good thing? Or is that just where I start building the marriage?
I apprecaite the permission to leave it be for a week. I need to do that for my own sanity! When I do decide to talk to him, I"m not sure how to respond when he claims A is not the reason why things aren't working. I agree that there are things to change/fix with me and our relationship, but of course he's building a case to excuse D.
