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Hi K,

Sorry your evening didn't turn out like you wanted. Sounds like maybe the two of you did talk way too much.

I don't know that I have any good advice here. My h isn't a big ILY guy either. He hasn't said it now in almost two weeks. Not unusual here though. I'd like to hear it more, but you can't make a person say what you want to hear.

Maybe your h feels like he has been patient with you in the past and he just needs you to do the same for him right now. I do know that the more you try to pressure him to do what you want, say what you want to hear, and act like you want him to act the more you are going to push him away. He probably feels like you are trying to control him, hence his comment about coming back when "he is good and ready". Sounds like he's telling you that you are not going to control him.

So, my best advice would be to lay off. Enjoy your times together ML and just spending time together. Let him "show" you his love instead of expecting him to voice it to you. While we all like to hear ILY and, yes, we deserve to hear it, not everyone expresses their love in words.

As far as him taking your suggestions on how to make things better, once again he probably feels like you are trying to control. Work on detaching. If you can let go of the control issue, I think you'd feel a lot of relief. Probably both of you would.

You've come such a long way and have done a great job. You know that one person working on the relationship can make the difference. You can do this.

Loved One

Oh, the painful part is that he used to be very expressive verbally but that he QUIT doing it. He knows how. Yes, he is definitely reacting to feeling controlled.

I'm having a hard time backing off and detaching b/c I feel like I NEED to hear these things from him. I NEED for him to put some effort into our r. I NEED to know that he is committed, etc. Maybe if i re-read DB, or Getting Through, i would be inspired to back off again.

I just don't believe that I CAN do this right now. I don't know. I feel like I have a decision to make of whether or not I am really going to do this and do what it takes to make it work...

I feel alone. I feel lonely. I miss him-the man I fell in love with, the man I know he truly is. (I've created a monster). I want my best friend back. I want help. I want support...

Thanks so much for coming over, LO!
k

Karen,

A hug for you!

Quote:

---

I'm having a hard time backing off and detaching b/c I feel like I NEED to hear these things from him. I NEED for him to put some effort into our r. I NEED to know that he is committed, etc. Maybe if i re-read DB, or Getting Through, i would be inspired to back off again.

I just don't believe that I CAN do this right now. I don't know. I feel like I have a decision to make of whether or not I am really going to do this and do what it takes to make it work...

---

I can relate to the tiredness of all you are doing....can you take a break from trying so hard? Cut yourself some slack? Take the focus off of what you think you need from h and figure out a way to give yourself something?

I've been mired in feeling overwhelmed with setting goals lately...I realized that it's because I've been trying to set GIANT ones -- like "what I will do to make this m last forever and be perfect" -- kind of a big chunk to bite off, no?

So...like the golfer in DB (I think that's where I read it!) -- instead of focusing on the hole...I'm gonna focus on a spot MUCH closer to me that's in line with the hole...

Know what I mean?

What can you do today for YOU that makes YOU feel loved, supported, not alone, etc????? Not FOREVER but for TODAY?

Sage

Hi Karen,

DON'T make any decisions right now!!!!

You are feeling stressed and emotional. I KNOW this feeling only too well.

I also know what you are saying about him doing little things to help you deal with your problems. But unfortunately it doesn't work that way. This is something Karen is going to have to do alone and not for her H or her R but for herself. Because this isn't the person Karen wants to be. Karen is still letting his doing or not doing things control her actions and moods. I also know this very well as it is one of the things I had to work on and am still working on right now.

I not only let David's actions and moods control mine, I pretty much let whomever I am around do that for me. We have to take responsibility and choose how we want to feel. It isn't easy, please don't think I am making light of your feelings. I am still working on it and at a guess I will always have to watch this area for myself. But I can promise you when you take the responsibility totally for your own feelings that you FEEL so much better. You are back in control of your life. No one else can make Karen feel anything Karen doesn't want or choose to feel.

I hope some of this spiel is helpful to you this morning! But if nothing else is, please don't make any decisions right now. It is NOT the time.

I almost forgot!

UP UP and AWAY with the PMA today!!!

It is going to be a great day and just look at your list of things you are thankful for this morning!

Or even better write a new list for today!

I would love to take a break, but I don't know if there is such a thing right now. I feel like I constantly have to "work." I have asked him to help make decisions for what to do or to help plan the eve's and he doesn't. He feels content sitting on the couch and I don't. I ask what he wants for dinner he says he doesnt' care. Then I say how about this and he vetoes it. He asks what I want to do and then says no. I can't f'in win. I am soooo tired of this!! He often says that he doesn't feel like making a decision. I rarely get to say that! I've tried talking to him about this, I've tried making a game out of it...

I'm starting to feel sick. I hardly slept last night. I just want to go home. I've just been sitting in my cube crying. I don't have $ for xmas presents. And I'm supposed to take a test for work that I get reimbursed for but have to front the money. & I have no credit...



I wish I could talk to him w/o it becoming a fight. All he hears is "you're an @sshole." and that's NOT what I'm trying to say!

So, how do I NOT feel alone?? I cannot count on family. I have few close friends. I go to church sparingly.

Thanks for the hugs!

I want so much more for this r. and I know we have potential! I know he loves me and cares about me. I love him too!


karen

Karen,

Why don't you install Yahoo messenger at home?

I am online a lot at night and think it would be good for you to chat with some fellow DB'ers.

You aren't all alone. Most all of us have been where you are and the holidays I think make it worse. Drives home that our relationships aren't where we want them to be right now.

Yeah, it sucks. But life isn't fair and you have made gigantic improvements.

I would suggest stop asking him and start just doing things on your own. He will eventually want to join you some I think. But definitely get a second opinion on this one!!

But you can't push his side of the R. You can do what you feel like doing and eventually since he is still there he will jump back in. But you need to start living for and taking care of Karen. I don't mean be rude. Just lovingly detach. If Karen would rather go out in the evenings, take Karen out with some friends or to do something interesting!

That way you both are happy. He gets to veg and you get to go out. I think eventually that will even out a bit. But for now I think you are going to have to take the initiative and take Karen out and not have expectations that H is going to want to go out right now.

Give him some space, let him miss you, that vibrant, active, sexy wife he is married too and still living with and making love too!

Hi Pam,
I can install it. H might ask why I did. What shall I say?

I'm just a whiny biatch today!!!

I know I can do more "fun" stuff myself, but I want to do fun stuff with him too. I want him to feel comfortable going out with me. i know, i know, it will come with time. as you can see, i'm not very good with patience.

i want to leave work early (i'm scared to say that i AM!), go to the store, get some sushi, maybe by h a chop or something, get some movies, and curl up. when he comes home, i'll tell him that I don't feel good and that if he wants to go somewhere to go ahead... i don't want him to feel obligated to stay with me, but he'll also have something to eat if he wants to stay home.

I don't think you are being rude. I would love to be able to detach. Oh, that book you mentioned "Co-dependent No More," is by Melody Beattie. I have that somewhere too. (In the abyss of my bedroom ) She talks about detaching and not being blown away by every wind.

ttys.
karen
did someone mention not getting emailed every time they get a new post on their fav's? that happens to me sometimes. (or doesn't happen)

How long until I get locked out of this thread?

Any suggestions for a new title?
k

Hi Karen,

Can't you just say to chat with some friends? That they were talking about chatting sometimes on it and I wanted to be able to join in once in awhile.

No need for the bb to come up at all.

Chatting with friends is no big deal. But don't want to cause you trouble if you think it would. Just a suggestion!

Well, I want to read the Co-dependent no More book all the way through again!

Did you find it helpful? My C recommended it and I did think it had some good stuff in it.

Getting pretty well past that stage now so maybe won't read it again. But it never hurts to shore up the info for future reference!

P.S. This is not advice I would have taken before because I just would not have been able to see it.

BUT I think you would just be happier in general if you did go out and do some things without your H. Fun things for Karen. Like the walk you did last week. Look at the mood you came home in!! I can absolutly tell you these things work, for your happiness, and you saw from my IM's that I was much worse than you ever thought about being!