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Originally Posted By: elvencat
I think I'm laying off for a few days now and am trying not to react to any "off-handed" comments he makes. I'm just living my life at the moment, going about my day pretending nothing's wrong. I feel like I need to re-group and at this point that is the only way I know how. If anybody has any suggestions I'd love to here them.



If you want him to think you are OK with his actions then yes, smile and act like life is good... that's what he's gonig to think... that you are OK with his CHEATING.. that's not what you want him to THINK is it? Then why act in a way that conveys that to him?

He likley feels guilty.. So WORK On that by showing him you are hurt, frustrated, and determined to protect your family

Don't beg or plead or negotiate, just show him you resist his choices by not talking to him, not engaging him, not arguing with him... shut the door on him emotionally

Distance yourself from him so he gets the idea that he's in the doghouse... your ACTIONS should be speaking for you here...

If he says something nice, ignore it, if he tries to help with your daughter, refuse and tell him you don't want his help, etc... Men KNOW when their wives are pissed at them... women are VERY good at letting them know that without saying a word

What actions has your H taken to pursue divorce?

Have you done any legal research with an attourney yet to find out YOUR rights right now?

Do so

Last edited by Allen A; 06/10/10 12:16 AM.
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Wow, thank you so much for that long list of insights.. I have to say, I laughed my head off at: If you don't want to go to OW's class, write up a paper, make 100 copies and pin them all around the university... I would love to be able to work up the nerve to do that. I’ll think on it some more.

And your explanation on how he has to dredge up ways to not feel guilty make so much sense to me now.

H and I had another convo today after I got a message from OW’s Sister… more on that later. Your advice to make this about “family” must have hit home at some point because H said he felt I was attacking him by saying “you are laying this all on me and talking about me being the one destroying our family..” The following convo went something like:

Me: You are the one wanting divorce, correct?

H: Yes.

Me: You are the one who became involved with someone else knowing we still haven’t worked through anything. Is that a true statement?

H: Yes.

Me: Knowing that divorce will mean destroying any semblance of family, you are still advocating this approach. Do you agree?

H: Yes.

Me: Then how am I attacking you by stating the truth? You are the one choosing to destroy our family by your actions. You have not given us all the effort you can to make our marriage and family a good one. You are choosing to leave and destroy everything we have built. I am asking for marital counseling to work through our issues. I am trying to save our family any way I can. Do you respect me for that?

H: Yes. But I don’t like the way you say it. Watch the way you say things.

Since this convo H has been nice to me, but is hiding in the basement now with his computer, so I’m sure he’s chatting with OW.

I have to say at times today I have felt childish. I’ve been using Facebook to my advantage, yet it feels so high school-ish somehow. I have managed to tick off the OW again. My H posted song lyrics something to the effect of telling me to leave him alone without trying to be too obvious about it.

Then OW had to jump in and post the following:
Take away, take away,
take away your ball and chain,
cuz you're lonely and you're tired,
and you can't take any more pain!

-Social Distortion – with minor liberties from me. smile


I returned the favor with the following:

And when her baby comes to call
He'll find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cos when she's by his side
It's such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

-Nina Simone


No response has been made and I know she’s been online talking to him since then.


Me 32, H 34, DD 3
M 6, T 8
Bomb 03/10
OW Bomb 6/5/10
Separate & NC 6/28/10
My 2nd EA Thread
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I honestly don't think that approach is helping you... Your H is just feeding his ego reading about two women fighting over him... He's loving every addictive minute of it...

1. Do NOT avoid using the word infidelity or cheat.. Its a fact.. call a spade a spade
2. When your husband tries to correct you, REFUSE... tell him you are stating facts and if he doen'st like to hear them then he shouldn't be DOING THEM

"If you don't like the sound of the guy I am describing to everyone then STOP BEING THAT GUY.. EVERYONE KNOWS you are CHEATING on me... They aren't stupid.. and NO ONE is going to Accept that OW in their home"

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I dunno, I don't like the tone of the chit chat you are having with him... you sound almost supplicating... it may just be my mood today who knows...

You really want to detach here so you can find a way to handle this guy like a parent rather than a partner right now...

When you can stand back with calm, dignified stances and offer reasonable, wise, and forceful facts at him THEN you should chat... until you are OUT of the soap opera emotionally and watching as a parent at a child misbehaving then I don't reccomend you engage him.

Let me show you a different approach :

--------------------

Me: You are the one destroying this family with infielity, lies, and divorce. (no more questions, just facts)

H: Yes.

Me: You are the one who is escaping marital problems by hiding in an affair and threatening to divorce me and my daughter... knowing we still haven’t worked through anything.

H: Yes.

Me: Knowing that lies, infidelity, and divorce destroys any semblance of family, you are still chosing that over your daughter and your marriage.

H: Yes.

Me: I am simply stating the truth. You are the one choosing to destroy our family by your actions. You have not given us effort to make our marriage and family a good one - you are doing DAMAGE to your own wife, home and DAUGHTER. You are choosing to destroy everything we have built for someone who clearly does NOT care about the damage she's doing to your daughter or your marriage. This is the purpose of marital counseling to work through issues and rebuild a family having problems. I am trying to save our family while you are inviting this woman to ATTACK IT. Do you respect me for protecting your daughter or HER for attacking your daughter? I am not attacking YOU, i am asking for YOUR HELP to REMOVE this threat to our marriage so we can have a snowball's chance in hell of repairing it... I want a history our daughter will be PROUD OF and RESPECT us for... do you think 20 years from now your daughter is going to have respect for YOU and what YOU are DOING right now?

H: Yes. But I don’t like the way you say it. Watch the way you say things.

Me: I will NOT watch the way I SAY things...YOU should watch the way you DO things.. YOU should be acting like a HUSBAND and protecting your home, not making excuses for women throwing gasoline on a fire... You should be putting the fire OUT like I am.. You should be ashamed of yourself.. I certainly am... and in 20 years your daughter will be too.

And you walk away calmnly... NEVER yell, never name call.

Last edited by Allen A; 06/10/10 02:00 AM.
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Quote:
H's position has been that he is not in love with me anymore and thinks that because he tried to communicate to me last spring and summer that we were having problems that he has "tried everything" he can and thinks divorce is better than living with someone he cares about but doesn't love.


Quote:
Well, I had a conversation with my H today. He declares that he is DONE and that he has felt like we haven't been together for four (MONTHS) or so. Hmmm... that's not the way I remember things. He says all he hopes for now is that I can be civil to him, and we can agree to divorce. The OW has "nothing to do with it."


This is ABSOLUTELY my story to a *T*. She "tried" to communicate that she wasn't happy a few times, so she has "tried everything". Now she is hellbent on getting a divorce to "make her happy again".

I am so, so, sorry you have to go through this.

Last edited by Quicksilver264; 06/10/10 02:23 AM.

Me - 32
Her -30
Married - 7 Years
Together - 9 Years
No Kids
05/21 - Bomb
6/8 - Exposed
7/9 - Re-Exposed
06/11 - She Filed
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I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. We got married for all the wrong reasons. I'm not attract ed to you anymore. Why can't you admit that we just made a mistake! My affair isn't the reason our marriage isn't working. I never really loved you in the first place.


Guys, this is the FIRST PARAGRAPH of Divorce Remedy by Michele Davis. MWD makes it very clear you should IGNORE this crap.... And both of your spouses are shovelling it at you and you are both listening to it...

Crack open DR and read this and pp 139 - 40... assuming you have the text, if not let me know and I will type it out for you...

Last edited by Allen A; 06/10/10 02:30 AM.
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Allen A: I really see the difference in the way you stated the convo and the way I stated it. I'm going to have to remember to not sound like I'm begging for his agreement to my statements. My statements are the truth and I do not need his "reassurance" that I am speaking the truth.

I keep telling myself that he is spewing the same things everyone else has heard. I repeat it like a mantra it seems like every minute of every day sometimes, yet I keep having a hard time remembering it. I have the book and I'll reread the specific pages. Sometimes I wish I had a photographic memory so I could stop myself in mid-sentence and remember what I should be doing and saying.

Originally Posted By: Allen A
I honestly don't think that approach is helping you... Your H is just feeding his ego reading about two women fighting over him... He's loving every addictive minute of it...

I agree, and I had every intention of leaving it be, but intentions went out the window when I knew that all my friends would be able to see my comment and see the type of thing I'm dealing with through that. My common sense was outwayed by the knee-jerk reaction of "see see I told ya". Ah how juvenile.. I really need to stop that.

Originally Posted By: Allen A
What actions has your H taken to pursue divorce?

Have you done any legal research with an attourney yet to find out YOUR rights right now?

The only action I know of that my H has taken is asking for a referral from IC on a low cost mediation service for people wanting divorce. He tried to give me the number and I told him he should keep the number because I'm not the one wanting the divorce, and I would look for my own legal assistance and not use that recommended by HIS IC.
I have a number of a good family attorney office and they give a free first consult. I haven't gone yet, though once I did set up an appointment. DD got sick, so I cancelled and haven't set another up yet. I know I need to.

Originally Posted By: Allen A
You really want to detach here so you can find a way to handle this guy like a parent rather than a partner right now...

If one of his complaints is that he felt I was the parent at times (I admit I can see it because of his disability) is this a good idea right now?

Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
This is ABSOLUTELY my story to a *T*. She "tried" to communicate that she wasn't happy a few times, so she has "tried everything". Now she is hellbent on getting a divorce to "make her happy again".

I am so, so, sorry you have to go through this.

Thank you. I've read a bit of your situation and I wish noone had to hear any of this.


Me 32, H 34, DD 3
M 6, T 8
Bomb 03/10
OW Bomb 6/5/10
Separate & NC 6/28/10
My 2nd EA Thread
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EC.... You are doing well... But yes, you need to handle him emotionally at least like a parent... he's not acting like an adult right now... Your choice?

a. Chat on facebook like a twelve year old slinging mud
b. Speak up for your marriage to friends and family and ask for support to encourage H to end his affair

you can be an adult, or you can be a child... its your choice

I am not telling you to patronize your husband or yell or anything like that, I am telling you to DETACH EMOTIONALLY like a PARENT can with their child

When a CHILD yells at their parents when they get grounded the parent doens't YELL BACK do they? Do they try to negotiate with a child throwing a tantrum and lying to them?

No

They bring consequences down on them and SHUT THEM OUT for a while...

If you were more dignified on facebook I would have suggested you print THAT up and post it at the university for her students to read, but if the facebook log just looks like two 13 year old girls fighting over some high school quarterback then its not going to help you at all...

YOu need to set an example here... YOur H isn't pursuing divorce actively... he gave YOU the number becuase HE"s afraid to CALL... get it?

Your husband is afraid of divorce and wants YOU to cut the cord FOR HIM so HE can say YOU divorced HIM and play VICTIM to everyone... got it?

Your Husband is PLAYING YOU my dear...

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Why isn't his IC reccomending him to family therapist?

What kind of IC gives a patient a mediation reference before reccomending family therapy?

God I hate personal therapists.. they are all idiots.

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What you need EC is a script...

Put a good solid script of statements together, you only need half a dozen...

memorize them... ever done any theatre in high school?

Memorize the statements, put them on an index card and keep them in your pocket...when HE pushes a convo... YOU don't.. HE does.. You slip your hand in your pocket hold onto the card and recite the line that you need.. its not that hard really...

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