I think it sounds like you and H simply experienced some normal emotions from being tired and edgy. I think we are still entitled to those occasionally!
You made a wonderful list. If we stop and think about all of the things we have in our lives, all of the positives, we should indeed be thankful.
As to how to be more thankful, I don't know. Maybe we just need to remind ourselves everyday of at least one blessing in our life. That would take us through many weeks!
You are doing so fabulous! I think you are on the road to success. Great job with the party.
Hey, awhile back you posted:
Quote:
For all these years and years I have gone to therapy they have all said the same thing, "you need to feel better about yourself. You don't believe you are lovable." Well, no sh!t. I realize that! I need direction. I need to LEARN how. I told this latest C September this and she assured me that we would work on this. Well, what did she tell me today? "You don't trust. You don't believe that you are lovable, etc." I said, trying not to be rude, "I KNOW!!! I need to know how to believe that I am lovable and how to trust!" She said that I am trying to control him and he is resisting. No sh!t, Sherlock. I know!!! She and I have been over this 30 times. I KNOW what I am doing wrong.
She has given me lots of lovely analogies like to picture myself as a clinging vine sucking the life out of the tree, and picture him in bed with his mother, etc. Nice, huh? And you wonder why I go home and cry even more??? I am just soo tired. I WANT to change. I don't want to think this way and feel this way about h.
I know he is a good guy who deserves to be loved. I know our r has potential and can be wonderful. I know he can be romantic and expressive and all the things that I want. I just have those f@#king messages in my head from all of my old family members and now my new family members! I have this inability to think for myself.
I'm 34, when will I ever grow up?
You stole that out of my brain! Ha ha. OMG! I feel like that too. I want so badly to change all my negative traits that ruin any possibility of me having a great R. But what is the magic trick to get to that point? What entity do we have to bribe? I am using all sorts of self-help tools...subliminal tapes, books, you name it...plus I see a C every week. I still feel like I would follow the same pattern I did before. Blah!
I admire you because you are at least using the "act as if" to success. I fail miserably when H pushes my buttons. Keep at it, I think you will be one of the "happily ever after" people here.
I'm doing ok. PMA slipping just a touch. Wanted some last night but h was too tired. I get insecure when I feel like he isn't coming after me. But, patience and discipline is the key. I need to work on the r and allowing him to feel comfortable and like he is not being controlled by me and that I am not using him and needing him to make me happy. Etc. I just wish he would ditch watching CSI/Law and order for once and say that he wants to be romantic...
I did bring up the anniv. VERY casually. I said "isn't that wine tasting at that bar on Wed? I thought it was on our anniv." He said he didn't know. I haven't brought it up since. I can't remember what day I brought it up-maybe Friday. So...I guess I'm just waiting to see what happens and hoping that I am not setting up myself (him) for failure. ???
Yesterday I told him that I am going to the ski club meeting tonight. Yay me! Thursday I plan to do the walking thing with my uncle w/ or w/o h. I hope he goes.
Not too much else going on. Oh, I did start the blinds, but h had to help me finish. They look nice!
karen have a good PMA day goal ideas??? Find something else to do tonight if he goes out (he prob. will), keep up PMA. Not worry about sex. It WILL happen...
Well, got a feeling as Karen keeps becoming this secure, sexy, not needy, fun to be around lady, he is going to start ummm...stepping things up I bet!!
So what have you come up with to do tomorrow night if he goes out with the guys anyway? Hopefully something really fun for Karen.
Glad the blinds look good.
The ski club and walking again both sound EXCELLENT!!!!!!!
You are doing GRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!!!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
H called me to tell me that his friend called and asked him to go to the Cavs game. He said, "since you are going to the ski club meeting..." Like, would he have been with me if I didn't make plans???
Anyhow, I'm doing ok. I'm not sure what else I'm going to do tonight. I don't know how long the meeting lasts/if they socialize for a while or whatever. I'm kind of sleepy. I may just go home and play on the bb.
I'm having some anxiety. I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to feel that open feeling that I felt a few weeks ago. What do I have to do to build up to that again? I know that it is based on fear. The fear that it won't last. Fear that it won't continue to get better. Fear that h won't be "what I want him to be." I need to just be content with myself and not NEED him to BE something FOR me. That's got to stink to be him, no? I wouldn't like it if he based his happiness on whether or not I told him I loved him or how I dressed or where I went with him, etc.
I want to be able to just relax. When we first started dating (ok, I still feel this way) I was surprised to hear him say that he "didn't care what we did together-he just wanted to be with me." I was so used to feeling like I had to entertain a guy or entertain a guy if yaknowwhatimean to "keep" him around. I'm just not used to a man loving me for WHO I am. And unconditionally. I continue to find it hard to believe. What is it about me that H would want to stay with me? I grew up feeling like I had to earn a person's love. (esp. men) I don't know what love really is! I feel very uncomfortable giving freely. I also feel very uncomfortable taking freely. Is that a paradox?
Good morning! Ski club mtg. was cancelled. I don't know why. I found the website-it did not say that it was cancelled, so I emailed the president-I'll go start to the top to get to the bottom of this. My uncle made plans to go to din. w/my m. cousin so I called and asked if I could join them. Had a good time.
H got home after me and asked about my night. He was curious as to how I got together w/uncle and cousin. Snuggled. This morn. I dropped him off at his work to pick up his other car. We didn't talk about plans for tonight and he didn't tell me he was going out with the guys tonight or this weekend, so I'm kinda in limbo right now. Not too concerned. Is this ok? I just am not investing that much emotional energy into it. Maybe I can relax a little. ??? woah! look out! who said that?
last night but h was too tired. I get insecure when I feel like he isn't coming after me. But, patience and discipline is the key. I need to work on the r and allowing him to feel comfortable and like he is not being controlled by me and that I am not using him and needing him to make me happy. Etc. I just wish he would ditch watching CSI/Law and order for once and say that he wants to be romantic...
They look nice!
I don't know why. I found the website-it did not say that it was cancelled, so I emailed the president-I'll go start to the top to get to the bottom of this. My uncle made plans to go to din. w/my m. cousin so I called and asked if I could join them. Had a good time. 