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Thank you so much for replying. I know I've been rambling on here but I signed on to get some advice as I feel at times I'm going crazy. I've lost 9lbs in a week! this is just so confusing to me. I never, ever expected him to be like this! I don't know what happened to my husband and I am truly devastated.

I know I need to focus on me and the kids but it is so hard. I can't stop thinking about him at all! All day, all night, I barely sleep. I don't know how he stopped caring so easily.

I need to work on me too. I know I have issues. I've ordered both DBing and DR and I can't wait for them to get here.

gosh, I feel like I'm gonna snap any moment.

I read what you posted previously and one book I would recommend (keeping in mind I'm a newbie too) is "the Five Love Languages". The web site is www.5lovelanguages.com

It sounds like your H is similar to mine in that they give and give until there is nothing left of themselves. That isn't healthy and doesn't allow for you to be there in the way they need you to, because often they won't be honest with you of what they need.

Did your H say anything about where he feels the problem lies? In the blaming that many men express are truths that you need to find and work on for yourself. What were you like when things were going well? How is that different from now? These are the places you need to start for yourself and you will begin to feel better as you do.

You'll get more eloquent and knowldgeable posters along that will be able to help you more I'm sure.

In the meantime, breathe and repeat it often. It isn't over until you say it is...

Hi DiamondGirl

I'm so glad that you have replied. I read a bit of your sitch too and they are quite similar.

When things are good, we laugh, love spending time together, make love, you name it. Having two kids one of which is 2 years old makes it hard to always have time for eachother. We have lost perspective with eachother although I will admit he has always tried harder than I. In fairness to me, this is how it has ALWAYS been. He doesn't communicate; says he's scared. I've been telling him our whole relationship that he needs to tell me when I upset him so (a) I know and (b) he doesn't hold it in and becomes resentment. He hates me right now and quite frankly I don't blame him.

All I'm thinking about is how I wronged him. I know that this has happened to me because it's going to make me grow into a better person all around. It's just so hard at times to keep that in perspective.

I've always resented him for how my life has turned out. I blamed him and have never fully trusted him (have never really trusted any man, have said hurtful things (that for the record he has never said to me) All of this has been out of fear so yes, I know I have issues that need to be addressed for sure.

I just wish he would have given me the chance...I suppose maybe I wouldn't have changed if it didn't happen this way. That's what I keep telling myself..

I don't seem to be feeling better acknowledging all my wrongs - I have taken full responsibility and actually hate myself for doing this to him, my kids, and me! How do you get over that???

Has your H come back? What's the status? How are you doing?

anyone? please help. I'm losing it insie.

I feel for ya - you seem to be in a similar stage that I was in about a year ago...we had a lot more problems though and my sitch is complicated...but some advice I was given back then was just to back off and calm down. I know it seems impossible, difficult, but try. Search these forums and read what others have done in your situation. Look at midlife crisis and see if anything there sounds familiar. It's painful beyond words, believe me I know, but right now everything you're doing it pushing him away further. DO NOT beg, plead, cry or anything like that in front of him. I did that months ago and made the situation worse.
When your books arrive, read them and believe me, they'll help tremendously.
Good luck to you and I wish I had more guidance for you, but this is just based on my own experience.

Forgingon,

All of the feelings you described are normal and we've all been there. It is a stage that you are going through that will pass, if you let it.

I felt absolutely horrible when I opened my eyes to my part in my R breakdown.. but you have to remember your H was there too.

Your number one task right now is to take care of yourself and take things minute by minute. Your marriage did not come into a problem state overnight, nor will it be resolved overnight. You'll need a clear head and control to work on it, should you still choose to, so you need to sit tight and let the feelings flow.

Write them down in a journal.. write them down on here and let us know you're journaling... write a letter to H... BUT DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM. Burn it.. put it in a box, whatever.. but at this point DO NOTHING.

If you don't take care of yourself, you can't be there for your children. They need you to be strong right now and you'll need you to be strong to work on your R with H in the future if that's what you want to do.

(((forgingon)))

You CAN do this.. Just breathe...

To answer your questions...



The stage you are in, it's too early to feel better. Acknowledging gives you a starting point a bit further on as to what to work on...



Did you purposely set out to do the things you regret? Did you sit there and plan out everything to deliberately do things to hurt everyone? I doubt it... You are human and make mistakes, just like everyone else. Hating yourself will just keep your emotions burning hotter and not resolve anything.

Relationships are complicated to begin with, add two people with different histories and childhoods and you'll end up with problems if the communication isn't in sync. That's what happened with me and my H... Happens to many...




My H hasn't come back and to my face claims everything is still my fault and he is 100% happy. He doesn't look happy at all, looks very old and tired. He intends to move to the US at the end of the summer to be with OW. I sense a desperation below the surface of his mask... I wouldn't be able to do so unless I detached as I have...

Will he make the move? I'm not sure.. probably for a while.. I've stopped focusing on him and feel very detached.

He insists on mentioning things that he doubts in the changes he's seen in me. (last time I saw him he said he doubted I had a social life; that he thinks my friends just tolerate me..) He is spewing ugly angry things and I have FINALLY reached the point where I let it roll off me with a small smile. I still have a problem with taking a drink of STFU (shut the f** up) because I know every time I react I make it worse for myself, but I am working on that.

He tries (and succeeds sometimes) in pushing all my buttons.. he knows which ones to push as we've been together a long time.
I am on a search and resolve mission right now to eliminate the fear behind my reactions to those buttons so he won't be able to get to me any more.. It takes time though..

It's been a painful ride getting to this point and I hit quite a few really low points (one just as recently as last week.. all the gory details on my sitch..) but the people on this board were there. I am forever grateful for that.

Where I'm at this week is working on me, focusing on the kids and their emotional & physical needs, getting a life (GAL) that doesn't revolve around my H, and I'm feeling pretty okay that whatever happens will be the way it should be.

I know I need to be stronger than H will be when/if he comes out of his fog.. One of us will have to be to pick up the pieces should I decide to do so at that point.

It isn't over until I decide it is..

And it isn't over until you do either..

((forgingon))

forgingon, you're sitch seems very similar to mine, except the roles are reversed. Stay strong and listen to the advice you've been given so far. I know it feels like your whole world is upside down and you are loosing everything, but you need to focus on yourself for you and your children.

Thanks for the great advice. I'm not as emotional today which is good. I'm really sick of crying. My work has been amazingly supportive which has taken some of the worry away.

All I know is that there is a reason this has happened and that I need to do some major work on myself in order to heal from past hurts/fears etc. No matter what the outcome of this - I will be a better person for it. I feel this way now but 20 minutes from now I'll want to cry again.

How do you move on with life when all your goals/dreams included this person? I get sick every time I think or see something that reminds me of what are plans were. We bought a fifth wheel this year and were going to spend each weekend camping with our kids cause last summer we both worked so much. We were both SO excited (this was just last month??!!) How does a person forget that kinda stuff so quickly?

I have not contacted him and I will not. Our only communication since Friday was him dropping our D off yesterday and it was only about her. When he left, I told him to have a really good week (something I normally wouldn't do) and that was it. He really doesn't look happy at all but what do I know???

This is so frigin hard!!!!!!!!!! Cause I know this is fixable.

Thank you to everyone who is replying/helping! It means the world to me right now.

I've got a question:

Do I get a lawyer - people keep telling me I need to protect myself? Do I go ahead and split our bank accounts etc like I said I would do on Friday (out of emotion)?

He doesn't want to use lawyers and wants to give me everything which I know from past relationships isn't good. My x ended up pretty mad that I got everything. Most of the stuff is mine including the house but we did buy some things together.

I don't know what to do about this....I'm not going to file for divorce or anything - I'm leaving that up to him since that's what HE wants....

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