F*&K IT!; F*&K IT!; F*&K IT!; ....ok now I feel a little better
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
and she uses whatever tactics she's used in the past that worked on you
But she didnt use any tactics. It sounds to me like she forgave and she tried and she waited until the anger and the alcohol abuse eventually became too much. She may have come to a point that she needed to realize herself, her potential, make herself the center of her world instead of someone else or waiting around for someone to realize how important she is. These are her words:
Quote:
I guess it’s hard for you to believe your actions caused this or else you wouldn’t have done it, but I’m telling you they did and in regards to forgiveness I continually forgave you for 10 years and maybe a person reaches a point they can’t do it anymore.
Observe reality.
What we have here is the outcome of several crises. There is no reason to create yet another. That would be more of the same ... and here is how your wife feels about that,
"But, I think the truth is you can’t hold in the unhappy feelings forever."
The hard question to answer is how did Mrs. Barkley feel and react when Barkley was drunk or throwing a tantrum? Did she cry herself to sleep at night? Did she question herself and what she was doing wrong that caused this? Did she try her hardest to make things perfect so it wouldnt happen again? the house being spotless, special dinner, sex, try to be "sweetest nicest person on earth," give up on herself?
So, what is so different from her going out for a few drinks, or being a little angry or distant then when you did?
If she was cheating on you, I would yell dump her, move on, find yourself so if she comes back you understand yourself as a greater person than that from which she fled. But for all you know she probably isn't. It does read to me like both of you are suffering.
and she uses whatever tactics she's used in the past that worked on you
But she didnt use any tactics. It sounds to me like she forgave and she tried and she waited until the anger and the alcohol abuse eventually became too much. She may have come to a point that she needed to realize herself, her potential, make herself the center of her world instead of someone else or waiting around for someone to realize how important she is. These are her words:
Quote:
I guess it’s hard for you to believe your actions caused this or else you wouldn’t have done it, but I’m telling you they did and in regards to forgiveness I continually forgave you for 10 years and maybe a person reaches a point they can’t do it anymore.
Observe reality.
What we have here is the outcome of several crises. There is no reason to create yet another. That would be more of the same ... and here is how your wife feels about that,
"But, I think the truth is you can’t hold in the unhappy feelings forever."
The hard question to answer is how did Mrs. Barkley feel and react when Barkley was drunk or throwing a tantrum? Did she cry herself to sleep at night? Did she question herself and what she was doing wrong that caused this? Did she try her hardest to make things perfect so it wouldnt happen again? the house being spotless, special dinner, sex, try to be "sweetest nicest person on earth," give up on herself?
So, what is so different from her going out for a few drinks, or being a little angry or distant then when you did?
If she was cheating on you, I would yell dump her, move on, find yourself so if she comes back you understand yourself as a greater person than that from which she fled. But for all you know she probably isn't. It does read to me like both of you are suffering.
I know....just frustrated and venting. I hope you are right
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
My compassion for my H comes from remembering that he was frustrated and trying to get through to me for YEARS! I read a post on here from a WAS not too long ago and the main idea behind it was that in most cases, your WAS has been trying to get through to you in one way or another for months if not years. Back then they did not question their feelings for you, they loved you and wanted to make things work but you didn't hear them (for whatever reason). Now that they've finally hit their wall, they either question or deny the existence of feelings for you ... NOW you are willing and able to make the changes and do the work that has been required all along. Then, to top it off, you get impatient and frustrated when they don't respond to you right away! It's normal for the WAS to need time to see, believe and trust the changes you are making are real and sustainable (and it may or may not be too late or not matter!). It's also normal for the WAS to go through a period where they are actually angry at you ... their thinking is: if you were/are capable of making and sustaining these major changes then why did you wait so long and until it was this bad before you did!
FYI ... when I say 'you' I don't mean Barkley, I mean any LBS in general. Anyway ... I found it helped to look at it from this perspective!
What did you think of the LOST finale?
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I hate to keep being so negative (haha), but I really did not like the finale. I felt kind of violated as they did not reveal anything regarding the mysteries with the island (e.g. - 4 toed statue, time travel, hatches, H-bomb, why was Dharma there?, why was Walt so special?, why was Locke so special?, and so on and so forth). The only finale I think that actually made me feel worse was the Sopranos....oh well
What did you think?
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
My compassion for my H comes from remembering that he was frustrated and trying to get through to me for YEARS! I read a post on here from a WAS not too long ago and the main idea behind it was that in most cases, your WAS has been trying to get through to you in one way or another for months if not years. Back then they did not question their feelings for you, they loved you and wanted to make things work but you didn't hear them (for whatever reason). Now that they've finally hit their wall, they either question or deny the existence of feelings for you ... NOW you are willing and able to make the changes and do the work that has been required all along. Then, to top it off, you get impatient and frustrated when they don't respond to you right away! It's normal for the WAS to need time to see, believe and trust the changes you are making are real and sustainable (and it may or may not be too late or not matter!). It's also normal for the WAS to go through a period where they are actually angry at you ... their thinking is: if you were/are capable of making and sustaining these major changes then why did you wait so long and until it was this bad before you did!
FYI ... when I say 'you' I don't mean Barkley, I mean any LBS in general. Anyway ... I found it helped to look at it from this perspective!
What did you think of the LOST finale?
PEI
You know, I am starting to think/hope that this may be MORE about me changing permanently than her in a MLC. I am doing it, but may need to just be more patient with respect to her feelings. I am hoping that this may be part of the big guy upstair's plan
Last edited by Barkley; 06/10/1003:20 PM.
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
So many emotions to deal with. I go from guilt to sorrow to anger to resentment to compassion and back again
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
