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Well, I took care of the inside and outside work today...again. I was not at all happy while I was doing the work knowing she ignores me about helping. I kept thinking to myself why in the hell am I doing this? Not only why am I doing the work (I feel like I should just let the damn house go to pot if she doesn't help) but why am I still trying to put all kinds of effort into saving this M with this woman. This woman is most definitely not my W. Ugh! Ok, breath...

Question. Should I email my W today (with Gucci's email) or wait until Monday? I feel like if I email her today that might just put a damper on her precious weekend.

Second question. Our emails have been from her married name email. When the agent emails us she emails W on her maiden name email. I was thinking when I email my W I should email both of her emails. She would probably get the email to her maiden name email today. She probably won't check her maiired email to Monday.

These are all probably really stupid questions but I am so upset right now and needed to vent. Whew...

I would e-mail to her maiden name today and say like Gucci said... "W, never mind on cleaning the house, I took care of it"

Let her see it this weekend. If she responds in any fashion I would take your sweet type and let her know once again it has been taken care of and you don't care to discuss it any further. No thanks, no "how are you's", no NOTHING but information.

Honestly, due to her lack of interest or assistance in the house I would stress to the agent you are the main contact, not your W. If you have any open house or news to report speak to the agent first then let your W know what you have decided. I would also keep a log of the work you are doing so if you do sell the house her portion of the proceeds will include compensation to you for the upkeep of the home. And I certainly would not tell her that until you have the check in hand and you give her portion with an itemized cleaning bill.

This may sound petty but IMO a house is one of the biggest investments you will ever make. One does not get to walk away from the responsibility of owning a home simply because (A) they decided they are not in love and (B) it's on the market. If she doesn't care to see the marriage through that is her choice but not seeing the house through is not a "free" option.

I sent the email to her maiden name email, exactly like Gucci wrote. This is the first time I sent anything to that email. I don't expect a response.

I'm not sure anything is going to snap her out of this. I'm doing better day by day. I stopped wearing my wedding ring this week. Going out tonight to listen to some music again. It's still a shame though. What a waste.

Hey mza8, I'm getting caught up on your sitch.

A few pages back gucci wrote:

I agree with this. Although I dodn't see any changes in my W actions towards my, life has gotten better by spending time with other women.
In fact the one got angery b/c I went out with someone else. She said we should go our separate ways. I said that sounds great! 4 days later she's texting me asking me to reconsider. Point being I pulled away from her and agreed and now she's the one chasing me.

So it does work,.....with some women.

Well, W actually vacuumed the house Sunday morning. I couldn’t believe it. I emailed her Saturday (to her maiden name email) and said what Gucci suggested word for word. Sunday morning I went to church and then to the gym. I pulled in the gym parking lot and my W pulled in as I was getting out of my car. She sat in her car and I walked in to the gym. I’m pretty she left and went to the house at that time and that’s when she vacuumed. I was at the gym for about 1 ½ hours. When I left the gym her car was back in the parking lot in a different space. I then went to the house to do a few last minute cleaning things to house before the open house. I walk in and see that she vacuumed. I just about passed out. She also took her mail I left along with the two joints bills I left for her. On a side note, she only vacuumed the first floor and not the second. She didn’t do a very good job vacuuming but then again she never did like doing housework…I mostly did it. I guess the point though is that she did step up and finally helped me out.

Then I start analyzing it to death. Why did she do it? Did she just do it because she didn’t want to be at the gym with me and left knowing I was at the gym and it would be safe for her to be at the house and decided to vacuum and then returned to the gym? Did she do it to step up and try to be nice? Why did she only vacuum the first floor? Was it just to say she vacuumed and then she quickly left? I don’t know. I don’t know that it much matters anyway.

W emailed me Sunday night (responding from her maiden name email I sent to her) and said she didn’t see my email until just then. She told me that she went to the house in the morning and vacuumed. She said she was surprised the agent hadn’t put up advertising signs for the open house and the name sign and brochure box still were not up. She said she was going to email the agent about this. She finished by thanking me for calling her last week with the update on the house.

I don’t believe her that she didn’t check her email until Sunday night. She used to always check her email many times during the day. I think she was just trying to look good that she decided to vacuum not knowing that I had sent her the email. I don’t buy it.

I met the agent at the house before the open house. Agent told me she was putting up the signs yesterday. When W said she would email agent I was unhappy because she made no mention of copying me on email which I had asked her to do…breaking another boundary. Agent emailed W and I today with update from yesterday’s open house. Only two people came through but no interest. Agent said she would install brochure box tonight but it is difficult to install. I was thinking of responding to agent (and copying W) to thank her for the update and offering to install the brochure box myself.

Anyway, I was very surprised that W actually vacuumed the house. Upsets me that she couldn’t have responded to me last week to say that she would do it. I guess it’s good that at least she did it? Gucci was right. She did do it. Not sure if it was out of guilt or what? I was waiting for her to email me as to what I meant that I took care of the cleaning and then she goes and actually cleaned. Shocked…

Gucci, your email seemed to work, now what?

Need to make a correction/update to previous post that W was going to email agent and I thought she wasn't going to copy me...breaking one of my boundaries. Well, she just emailed agent with her questions and things she wanted to make sure agent was doing with advertising and signage etc. W did actually copy me on that email this afternoon. Wow. She vacuumed, emailed me back Sunday night and now she copied me on email to agent. I'm still shocked...

Respect.

Puppy

Yes, that's a good start. Respect is good.

Thanks Puppy.

First we go back and go over what happened and give you some feedback...



You need to find a way to NOT be at the gym when your wife is.
Trust me, she FEELS that you are trying to be there when she is.(doesn't matter whether you are or not, but that is what she thinks) You HAVE to find times when she isn't there. This is most important. No excuses. Find another time. Purposely STOP looking for her car when you come in or leave. These little things like not looking for her car and not being there when she is are steps forward to letting go and for not only you to let go, but for her to FEEL that you have let go.




Guilt. Your email to her that you handled it ALLOWED her to finally feel the guilt. You have kept her from feeling guilty.
Once you let go of her vacuuming, she was free to do it out of choice and not because YOU wanted it done. (keep that in mind and notice how good it works when you let go of things and let them make their own choices)




Stop the critical spirit. If you alread knew she doesn't like to do it and never did a good job before, then you shouldn't have asked her to do it in the first place if it wasn't going to be up to some standard of yours. (I suspect this critical spirit of yours has turned her off a lot more than you realize over the years. I also suspect that she never felt she could please you. I also suspect you don't realize how much you STILL criticize her even today) You need to stop this.

She vacuumed. Good for her. Be glad.




SEE EARLIER POST regarding critical spirit. 8, I find it interesting that you wait and wait for her to email you, are critical when she doesn't, and now are critical of her when she does. This is something you need to work on in yourself.
She emailed you back. She vacuumed. Both things you say you wanted. Leave it at that and stop getting what you ask for and then finding a way to criticize it.




Notice the word "UNHAPPY".. Again.. . You find a way to be unhappy and not satisfied. I talked to you a few weeks ago about you taking charge of the house communication directly with the realtor. It is silly for you to call this a boundary and silly for you to be unhappy. Be mature. It isn't that big of a deal. Stop making it into one.



SEE ABOVE CRITICAL SPIRIT comments again...
Again.. You are "unhappy, or upset" etc etc etc..

These are reasons your wife ended up leaving you...
Mature men act happy, control their emotions in trials and are STRONG emotionally.Become STRONG emotionally.
I believe that it even "upsets" you that she responded from her maiden name email address. Get strong. Stop letting these things upset you. Find your male side. The strong male side. Emotional is more female.


Now. You can email her back or not. Makes no difference. If you do email her back, it goes something like this.
"Wife, thanks for vacuuming. I appreciate it. It looks good"
(YES lie about it looking good.)(we are working on your critical spirit. After you get it under control you won't see this as a lie, but will really find a way to make it YOUR truth.)

I was thinking the same thing. Start being mysterious. She'll start to ask around the gym about you.