I don't mean to make light of your situation, but your description of the talks with the counselor reminded me of something from one of my favorite movies....
From National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane, with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head. And, I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, floor-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey sh** he is! Hallelujah! Holly Sh**! Where's the Tylenol?
I'll probably be on the BB later tonight. (I'll even try to post a serious response for you. )
CHL, please take ANY opportunity to try to make me laugh. So I'm not wrong in thinking that this "typical" c sux? It's the same ole same ole. I've heard it a million times.
pam, i was talking about lunch!! yes, it IS 4:44 EST!!!
maybe i could find that movie at the library tonight! that sounds like fun. put on my pj's and eat something yummy, post in between. you guys want a date?
it's freezing in OH, how about at your house? i'm sure it is in so. IN.
karen
thanks for being here. i finally learned how to make the screen really small on my puter so it's behind my head.
Don't forget the bunny slippers and popcorn! You may want some hot chocolate also.
Also look for one of those kiddy blow-up punching bags that looks like a clown... every trip for munchies, drink, computer could be therapeutic!
Oh.... just thought of something.... don't underestimate the popcorn (plain) and champagne combination! Make sure you put a thick layer of facial cream on also! LOL
I like that better and if I had posted much this evening would have changed it!
I keep changing Opts back. LOL
NO Negatives!!!!!! Bad DBing! Actually just bad for living! Know what I mean? It is much more fun for me in my life now that I have decided to DECIDE how I feel and how I am going to go through my day.
I am an adult and these are MY decisions to make and no one else can or should decide how I feel for me.
I HOPE you got lunch!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Alright! I finally got lunch, I'm done working, boss just left and is on vaca! Yay!
Pam, you are doing really well. You think I can do it too? I feel like such a nut case. Ok, so I DID break a record and go SIX weeks getting along with h. there were a couple bumps but that's to be expected and we got through them very quickly and without hard feelings. And I was able to get right back up on the horse or wagon or??? Where did all these phrases come from? Are we crossin' country???
I swear when my c was talking i was looking straight through her. I kept wondering if she could tell that I couldn't give a flyin' fart about what she was saying. Ok, she did help me today-i was def. in the pit, and it did help to talk to a professional and you guys. but, ya know what i mean?? i feel like i have to defend myself b/c i have switched c's so many times. I have been with this one since last sept. though and i haven't moved ahead much. I didn't make significant progress until i found "getting through to the man you love."
Anyhow, to answer LO's q, I am angry-well, b/c I feel like H is not putting effort into our r. Well, but, um, i guess i need to understand b/c i have been putting him through the ringer since we started dating. **but he knew what he was getting when he married me. just kidding. I've been promising to quit this bs since day one.
So, now he is withdrawn physically and emotionally and I expect him to be open. WHat? duh...so, all along he's been telling me that if i would quit getting upset/emo all the time, he would open up again. he feels like he has continually put his best foot forward (left or right, i'm not sure-he has obnoxiously long toes b/c he is 6'6"), and I have just trampled on him. It is true, but i fail to accept responsibility. i do, but i don't. i do, but i continue to blame him. i continue to ASSume the worst in him and expect the worst from him.
But, I have no reason to!! When I hear about other h's, other sitch's I think, boy, I've got it good, my h is awesome, etc., but do i appreciate him? no...do i trust him? no...do i love him? i do...but i don't ACTIVELY love him. i do not treat him like i love him. I hate him BECAUSE i love him. Does that make sense to anyone?
I loved a few guys when I was younger, broke some hearts, then I was a tramp for a long time. I used guys and found that I could "play" them. I would get bored and move on. When I became attached I would get nervous, have anxiety, get upset, cause probs, etc., treat them badly, go away. Well, i started to realize that i was missing out on some potentially good r's and that i was treating some nice men badly. i gradually started treating them better, and figured i needed to get my act together if i wanted to get married and have a fam.
lo and behold, i run into h. i met him 3 years prior, but did not go out with him at the time. (i knew he was nice and i was busy tramping around. + he had hair longer than mine). Well, he got his hair cut and I thought "whew, what a gorgeous face" (i'm a face gal), and so I started to hit on him. (he wasn't going to be rejected again.) so, i tried as much as i could to be sane, but look where i am. at least he is still with me...
I continue to think the worst, so I get mad at him in my head before he even does anything. Then oc, he reacts to how I am acting, and whammo, he just fit into the scene I had created in my head. I know, I know, it's the self-fulfilling prophecy. I create what I fear. I must be getting something out of this. Blah, blah, blah...I've read tons of books, I have lots and lots of insight, but emotional intelligence??? Nope...haven't got a clue. Book smarts, not street smarts... I ask how? HOW??? HTF??? I've spent many a co-pay and many a not co-pay...I've been to a hypnotist, I've tried EMDR, etc. I've been asking since 1988! And I'm NOT resistant! I swear!! I want to change! An SBT will believe me, right?
Do you have a computer at home? I was wondering because I thought you mentioned going to the library to use the computer. There are some folks here I do IM with some evenings and it has helped me tremendously. It is more discussion and instant feedback than you can get on the bb. It is also just plain good fun! Helped remind me that I am ready to live and have some fun things in my life. I have been such a depressed mess for so long that this feels really good.
Thank you for the compliment. Sage told me just today that whatever I had found Michelle might want to bottle it!
I think it has been a combination of things for me and it sounds like you have really already tried a lot of things. I do think if you have been with this C that long and no real progress it is time to look elsewhere and I KNOW if I were to go to another C it would be an SBT.
Being angry because you don't feel like h is putting effort in or upset over him not meeting your needs, is not something that is under your control, unfortunatley! But the only thing you can control is you so that is where the focus needs to be. I really know you already know all these things I am saying, but for me I found that the more I was told it helped it all to eventually click!! I am guessing here that until you get your changes in place and keep them there you aren't going to get what you feel you want/need from your h.
But as everyone kept telling me and I have no idea how to tell you it finally sunk in, you have to make yourself happy. I know you know that, but have you ever really given a lot of thought to what you are thinking when you are happy versus what you are thinking when you are stressed or down? I am finding that changing or catching my negative self talk is really helping me.
Have you ever read David Burns, Feeling Good? It is a book my C loaned to me but since I haven't been back she hasn't gotten it back yet! I am finding it very useful, it deals with cognitive thinking.
The meditating is also making a huge difference. Have you ever tried that before? I never had and Sage kept suggesting it and I am so glad she kept after me to give it a try. I can tell just the days I am running late for work and don't take the time to meditate that it really makes a difference.
Are you back on your AD's? That has also made a big difference for me, especially the change in the dosage, it has just been 2 - 3 weeks that I have been on the changed dosage long enough that I can really tell it kicked in and has made a difference.
I do understand what you are saying about hating him because you love him. I really feel that a part of that is you are giving him the power of your happiness. Does that make sense to you? I know you probably read the awful IM's I sent David, they weren't because I don't love him, they were cries for him to help me. But he can't do that, I have to choose to do that for myself. But I would get so angry at him because I choose to give him the power of my happiness and then he didn't handle it the way I thought he should so I wasn't happy and I was angry all at the same time. I also felt very POWERLESS. It was not a good feeling or situation all around. I think we get into patterns of familiarity. This is the way you are most comfortable interacting so when you are stressed this is the pattern you go back too.
I could be reading you all wrong as this is all based on me, please understand that is where I am coming from to see if any of this hits you as it would help you out any.
Anyway what I have found for me is when I get upset to really, really look at why I am upset and usually there is a deeper thought connected to it, if you find that as well and try addressing it, I have found it very helpful.
I hope I don't sound pompous here, as you have obviously been conscious of this problem and putting a lot of work into it for far longer than I have.
Plain popcorn? How about the fake champagne?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
) 
just kidding. I've been promising to quit this bs since day one. 
But the only thing you can control is you so that is where the focus needs to be. I really know you already know all these things I am saying, but for me I found that the more I was told it helped it all to eventually click!! I am guessing here that until you get your changes in place and keep them there you aren't going to get what you feel you want/need from your h.