now she is confused and not knowing what she wants.
I'm not getting that from what you've written. It sounds like if she is bringing up the topics, that she wants a stable, happy relationship with you. It sounds like she does not want a return to last year.
Keep up your self improvement actions, making your and your wife's lives better. You can't go wrong with that.
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Like I said, I know that at least once she was looking at porn until wee hours. I just do not know what to do with that behavior. She has limited her Facebook and texting lately and that is a good sign too.
Don't do anything. That is up to her. Keep an eye out for opportunities instead. Maybe one day if she's looking at it, you could "pass by" looking sexy and she may follow. If you are lightly flirting back, that *may* be one 180 that she has been hoping for. Just remember...one step at a time.
It is encouraging to hear you are getting somewhere, SSM! Keep it up~
I try to understand but I think that if someone would have just told me what I needed to do I would have done it.
In so many M's the W "does" try to tell her H what he needs to do, but he's not listening b/c he has not been hit with the bomb. It is afterwards....when she's "done" and ready to leave that he is ready to listen. Anyway, you are all ears now, so hopefully you'll have a second chance. The test will be if she decides to stay and you have to keep up the changes. I am seeing people who were here on the board a few years ago coming back again. They would go back into their old habits/patterns and the M would once again be on the rocks. Don't let that happen to you.
Her diabetes can certainly affect her mood swings. Is she Type 1? Is she sleeping a lot during the daytime?
I never was drawn to porn so I really don't know much from the woman's POV. Has this just started?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The test will be if she decides to stay and you have to keep up the changes. I am seeing people who were here on the board a few years ago coming back again. They would go back into their old habits/patterns and the M would once again be on the rocks. Don't let that happen to you.
I hope and pray that she stays. I WILL NOT make the same mistake. Through councling and this site I have identified the weaknesses I had that allowed the depression to set in. That combined with some other things I changed that improved myself I hope will not let this come about again. I do not want this to EVER happen again. I don't want to imagine how bad this would have hurt my son. Unfortunately I know how much this has hurt me. It must have hurt W pretty bad to want to split the family up. So I do not want this to ever happen again.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Her diabetes can certainly affect her mood swings. Is she Type 1? Is she sleeping a lot during the daytime?
She is type 2 and yes she sleeps a lot. Tired quite often.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I never was drawn to porn so I really don't know much from the woman's POV. Has this just started?
I beleive it is recent, last few weeks. Before this she has had very little sex drive.
Don't you think a good hint for you to know...is when she's ready to move back into your bedroom? Seems that should be one of the consequences of not sharing a bed with you....is not having sex.
I guess I can understand that. Do you have any insight into how long or what it would take for her to come back into our bedroom. Since you were kind of in a similar situation I was just wondering what made you go back? When you trusted his changes were for sure or what? I know that everyone is different but I would like to have a little of her perspective so that I can understand a little of what she is thinking/going through.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If she's flirting, then that is good....but it doesn't necessarily mean she's ready for sex yet. When "she" starts ML to you, that will be a pretty good indication that's she's in the mood. Otherwise, you best continue to play it cool.
I am trying to keep it cool. Not easy, with the way we are interacting so well and she and I have been on diets losing weight and I just feel drawn to her like when we were when we were first married. I wish I knew if she feels that at all. But I am also afraid of knowing the answer. One of the hardest things I have delt with in the DB'ing is the not asking how she feels about our R. I ask her how she is doing every day, but that is just a general question to see how her day went. Leads to good conversation.
BTW, when is it OK to start telling her "I love you?"
After she tells you first. Make it a goal to get her to say it. What would you have to do to make that happen? Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My IC was telling me that she thought I should write a letter to W tellnig her how I feel. From what I gather on this site, that is not a good idea. What do you guys think?
Update...I went to a funeral with W to support her during her friend’s dad's funeral. While there SIL and MIL and FIL were there. However, SIL did everything in her power to keep my W from me. Took her around the room to talk to people, when W would try to talk to me, would say, hey lets go talk to ____. Then at one point after watching a memorial on the TV, SIL said you need to sit down, then sat 2 chairs in and made W sit next to her. After there was no way I could sit next to W, she says Oh, want to sit down and points to the row in front of them which was a little far to turn and talk to W if I wanted to. SIL made sure that I had as little contact as possible. So I was FUMING. It was the most blatant/obvious display I have ever seen.
So W and I went to dinner right after. We ordered and while we were waiting got call from SIL asking if we would like to have dinner with us. I was pleased to hear wife say no and we already ordered. So we had dinner in peace, but I was still quite angry. So after dinner, W asked what I wanted for birthday which was next day. I grinned and asked if I could have anything. I know I set myself up for a fall here, but I still had to ask. She flatly said, no, is there anything I can buy you. So, although she said no to anything, at least she asked what I wanted. So we were on the way home and I was still upset. And the feelings I was getting from her are still more of a buddy than anything else. This whole thing is breaking my heart. I was to the point that I was thinking of telling her that I think she should leave the house when I got a severe pain in my shoulder and tingling in my arm. Then my hand went numb. So I was terrified and tears are rolling down my face. (I am driving) And wife asked what was wrong and I did not answer and then after she asked a few more times, I told her. So after a little discussion I end up in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I was admitted and for the first time in months, I received a heartfelt "I Love You." from W. The =n they took me to my room. After I checked in she said she was going to go and then said she loved me again and left. Next day I did not see her until 6:30 PM and she brought S by to see me. They left by 7 and no I love you or any kind of heartfelt anything. One kiss and left. The next day I had an early test and failed the stress test. Called and told her this and she said OK now what. Said I had to get a exploratory surgery to check out my heart. She said OK. Came to visit at 7PM but stayed at least until 9. But I did get another heartfelt I love you. I got the surgery and everything came out OK. They just said I had a minor blockage that did not require stint or angioplasty and could be controlled by diet change. So she seemed a little better and I went home with her. Then we get home and she says let’s take a nap since we both got up at 7AM. So we both lay down in separate rooms, I was hoping she would at least take a nap with me. I wake up to dog barking, she left and went to SIL soon after I went to sleep.
I feel like a play thing. She loves me and I know that. But will she ever "LOVE" me again? I cannot live like this. I do not want to live like this. If I cannot be with her, I do not know if I want to be at all. I cannot take the lack of affection. I cannot take the lack of love. They tell me that I had a severe anxiety attack and that it was a wakeup call because if I keep going the way that I am it will not be long before this is a real heart attack. But to be honest, I think my heart is just plain broken because I think my wife is gone already. I am not sure I can live through this, or want to.
I grinned and asked if I could have anything. I know I set myself up for a fall here, but I still had to ask.
It's amazing what we do for sex~ It can build bonds when the time is right and hopefully she's clued in that you'd like to get closer. Maybe try getting closer in non-sexual ways (affirmation: hugging, touch, etc.) more often.
SSM...be patient! (and a patient...)
Keep moving forward, and you'll get there. I have anxiety, too, so I know what you mean. It is hard and you can't just switch it off. It can be paralyzing. But this is the woman you do love, even if you are hurt. Stay focused on your goal.
