I think your lists are better than mine, so I'm going to print yours to keep! They are great. I'd have to ditto them for my sitch as well.
I wonder if crying and being needy really works for anybody. I don't think that it does. But reacting that way is human nature. Of course, so is sin and we have to battle that, right?? So the battle is on and we will win.
Remember where to focus your anger - satan. He wants to destroy your M. But unless you allow it, he can't. He doesn't have that power. He is limited where God isn't.
We're going to make it, Karen, and our marriages will be better. We are both married to men who love us. And we are pretty darn wonderful ourselves!
Well, I went home and did this: 1. Pressuring H, 2. Having expectations of H 3. Getting mad at/upset with/feelings hurt by H 4. Blaming H for my unhapiness ** 5. Making ASSumptions about how H is thinking/feeling 6. Being depressed/moody 7. Being clingy/dependent/needy/crying/emotional
I just can't f##king do this. I don't know what happened last Tuesday, but ever since then, I just haven't been able to get back on the db'ing wagon. I just feel so pissed off at him.
Next Wed. is our 4 yr. dating anniv./2 1/2 yr. wedding anniv. I would like to celebrate, but last year (during an argument), he said that it wasn't an anniversary now that we are married. & now he has been going out with his friend regularly on Wed's. Do I ask if we can do something or do I let it go? Well, knowing me, I can't let it go.
So, why am I continuing to flip out and cause trouble? I feel like I am literally TRYING to push him away and thinking that life would be easier without him. I feel guilty for feeling this way. And I know deep down that that is not really what I want and that I do love him and that I know our R can work. We saw it 2 weekends ago, remember?
Did that just scare the shi! out of me? I just want SOOOO bad for him to put his arms around me, tell me that he loves me and that it will be ok, but I know that he WILL NOT do that now-no asking, begging, pleading, etc. would get him to do that. I'll have to db for months (AGAIN). I know-I'M A BIG BABY! I want this to be easy. I want this to be all over.
I continue to blame him for not "getting what I need" out of this r.
Today I am going to my C. I have been dreading it for the last couple days. I haven't seen her in a while. I usually end up feeling worse, and I have been thinking about ditching her. I have found an SBT. They are not covered by my insurance, but they have a sliding fee schedule. I go tonight to fill out pwork and figure out how much $ it would be. It doesn't sound like much. $10-90 a month. I said, "a MONTH??? Not a VISIT???" yeah, it's true! Wow, huh? There is a god! Switching will be another convo w/h.
Ok, I want to read a couple of your threads before "clocking in". Go ahead and give me the 2X4.
Okay, I'm certainly not the big expert here, heck, I'm not even the little expert, but I'll try. You seem to have started looking to H to make you happy again instead of being responsible for your own happiness. You know that the more you continue in your present behavior the further away it is going to move you from where you were. You *know* what works. You have got to stop the destructive behavior and get back to where you were, even if it takes everything you have to act "as if". You can do it, you've done it before and look how great it worked.
Why are you so pissed with him? What has he done? Or is it what he isn't doing? From what you've written, that is the problem. He's not doing what you feel like you need or saying what you want to hear, but can you really control that? What you are doing is only making him more determined to not do those things. You can not control him, but you can push him away. Stop worrying about him and work on you.
Quote: So, why am I continuing to flip out and cause trouble? I feel like I am literally TRYING to push him away and thinking that life would be easier without him. I feel guilty for feeling this way. And I know deep down that that is not really what I want and that I do love him and that I know our R can work. We saw it 2 weekends ago, remember?
Yes, we did see it 2 weekends ago and if you can do it once, you can do it again. Would life be easier without him? Maybe there would be initial relief, but then you'd realize what you'd done and wonder what in the world you were thinking?? You love him and he loves you.
You know you can do this. You are strong enough to get back to where you were. It's not easy, but nothing really worth doing or having ever is. Climbing a mountain isn't easy, but what an accomplishment when you get to the top.
Start climbing, woman!! You can do it.
Oh, and the anniversay thing, my personal opinion is to give him a card and maybe a small gift like his favorite cookies or candy bar and let it go. If he plans to go out with friends on Wed night, maybe you can make special plans for Tues or Thurs and not point out the anniversary thing to him, just spend some special time together.
You can do this, you can do this, you can do this...
Sorry you are having a rough time of things right now.
I am pasting a post here that Zoo made to me and has really helped me. I have it in my WP and when I get upset I read it again and again. Just to remind me this is normal and what do I really want in my life. Maybe it will help you a little bit also.
Sending you wishes for a good day!
I can understand too well the emotional rollercoaster you are riding right now...one minute you are so angry that you just want to sign everything, pack all the crap up and move on...the next minute you just want to fall to your knees and keen your grief to the four corners of the world while you set drowning in a pool of tears...then you realize that getting angry and crying is SO RIDICULOUS so you throw back your shoulders and say I WILL STICK TO THIS DB"ING CRAP IF IT"S THE LAST THING I DO!!! It is all up and down like that...minute to minute and hour to hour and it sux.
The last db'ing thing is good...that is resolve working at it's finest The other two things are defeatist and serve no purpose except to make you miserable. YOU are the maker of your dreams, YOU are the controller of your future, YOU are the epicenter of your own life.
You're still not getting it. You ask us what you should do, you look to D for what you should do. The only thing WE can do is GUIDE you with suggestions and support. D can do nothing at all right now. YOU have to do it ALL. You have to wade through that Gordian knot of emotional junk that is inside you and get to the center of it and ask yourself...WHAT DO I WANT? We know you want the pain to go away, you want D to stop the d, to come to see you, talk to you etc but those are petty wants. I ask again...WHAT DOES PAM WANT? What if you weren't hurting right now and confused and angry and D came over and you had a nice convo? WHAT WOULD YOU WANT THEN??
That is what YOU have to figure out. The ONE thing that you want more then anything else. THEN keep it simple. Set 1-3 goals each day that you believe with all your heart will move you at least one inch toward that goal.
The questions you have asked today you have asked a dozen times, the suggestions are already here . I realize that you might not like those suggestions but they are honestly the only ones we can knowingly tell you that work. You do so well for a little while and then you go running after the quick fix again...there isn't one (I know, I've said that a dozen times before ).
If you want it BAD enough you can do it hon Do you want it bad enough?
LOTSA HUGZ Zoo
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Relatively OK. Mostly sad and confused. I have to work late tonight and then go fill out paperwork at the SBT's office. I had my C appt. today which helped some, but also frustrated me some too. For all these years and years I have gone to therapy they have all said the same thing, "you need to feel better about yourself. You don't believe you are lovable." Well, no sh!t. I realize that! I need direction. I need to LEARN how. I told this latest C September this and she assured me that we would work on this. Well, what did she tell me today? "You don't trust. You don't believe that you are lovable, etc." I said, trying not to be rude, "I KNOW!!! I need to know how to believe that I am lovable and how to trust!" She said that I am trying to control him and he is resisting. No sh!t, Sherlock. I know!!! She and I have been over this 30 times. I KNOW what I am doing wrong.
She has given me lots of lovely analogies like to picture myself as a clinging vine sucking the life out of the tree, and picture him in bed with his mother, etc. Nice, huh? And you wonder why I go home and cry even more??? I am just soo tired. I WANT to change. I don't want to think this way and feel this way about h.
I know he is a good guy who deserves to be loved. I know our r has potential and can be wonderful. I know he can be romantic and expressive and all the things that I want. I just have those f@#king messages in my head from all of my old family members and now my new family members! I have this inability to think for myself.
I'm 34, when will I ever grow up? Thanks for watching out for me. ...I need to eat... karen
