I'm feeling really depressed and anxious. I would appreciate anyone's input. I just crash after getting along with h for several days and loving him. Now I'm thinking about divorce and feeling like crap!
I feel like noone wants to be around me. At least H HAS been acting like he wants to be around me!! He is now spending the majority of his time with me. The prob. is finding people that like to do the things that I like to do like climbing at the rock-climbing gym, outdoor stuff, etc. I like more "guy" stuff than girl stuff. I have thought about joining ski club, rollerblade club, etc.
I just continue to feel jealous and insecure that h is having more fun without me and that he has his hobbies, and that he gets dressed up without me, etc. Who is he trying to impress? He said he doesn't like to hang out in nightclubs but just bars where he & the guys go to talk. Sometimes they end up at nightclubs if that's where the other guys want to go. He's NOT out to pick up women. (OK, I know this)
I felt like rock climbing was "our" thing, but h had to give that up b/c he has carpal tunnel. So, now I feel like he has all these other hobbies w/other guys and what with me? But, we only with each other and we only feed each other ice cream. ok, i do all of the feeding. He said that we see bands together which is fun. And some of those bars are nicer which we dress up for.
ok, gotta stop talking now and get back to work. Thanks for any opinions I can get today. and for any 2X4's that I may receive. karen
Sorry you're feeling so rough right now...don't know if this is what's up with you or not but I've definitely found that I get into a cycle of feeling SO good with h followed by freaking out...I've come to realize that the freaking out part is based in fear...that's it's too good, that it's a sham, that I'll be hurt, etc. The fear gets masked by anxiety or anger, I pull away, the rest is history.
What helps?
recognizing the cycle and the fear. acting "as if" if you can or actually spending time away from h is you can't. Movies help me a great deal for some reason. Drinking even a small amount does NOT. exercise does.
Can you do something active and/or mindless either with h or without him? This is prime time for a freak out/backslide (least it would be for me) so do what you can to prevent that.
You're doing fine, Karen...remember that and all the hard work you've put into this!
(how about some loud music and dancing around the house? get those endorphins going).
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I hope you are feeling better. If not, take a big deep breath, now exhale. Now another deep breath, exhale. There now. Just like you've been told, you have a cycle here. You obviously recognize it because you said so yourself.
Also, I can say this because I'm a woman myself, you must recognize that mr. monthly is indeed here for you and that can cause our brains to go nuts. That was part of my problem last weekend. Try to remember that and get ahold of yourself. If you can take it, try some of the PMS/menstrual otc drugs. They help me some and they may help you, too.
Why does H dressing nicely to go out with his friends bother you so much? I think I understand it to a degree, but how do you dress to go out with your friends? Do you dress to look good and feel good about yourself? Try to chill about that. He's coming home to you.
Maybe he needs a little space for just a little while. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be with you at all, he just needs a little "without you" time. That makes your time together even better and more special.
I also understand the feeling of just wanting a D and calling it quits, but you know that H loves you and you love H. We both know that a D won't really stop all of the bad feelings and it is seldom the answer to any of the problems.
Don't feel bad because you and H don't do a bunch of things together. Right now H and I also pretty much just ML, go out to eat, go to movies, and watch tv together. Just enjoy what you are doing together. Remember, there are people on this board who would love to be doing just those things with their S.
Okay, another deep breath and exhale. There. Hang in there and don't backtrack! You can do this. H loves you. Believe it or not, this too shall pass.
I know-there have been many positives!!! I was just going on and on about all the good stuff last weekend. Oh, that was only 3 days ago! Why do I think it would change so fast? Yep-FEAR!!! I'm so scared! I wish I could quit this nonsense! I know it is a cycle. I don't know how to say, I think I need to be alone tonight. Or I think I need some space, or something. I'm afraid that he'll get afraid that I'm going to freak out, then his walls will come up. I thought by saying, "you can go out monday and/or tuesday" that he would, but he said no. We are going out separately Sat.
I guess I feel like I need to be "on" all of the time. Like, sometimes I want to come home and veg out for a while, take a bath, and then go out to dinner and have convo. Like last night-I came home, (he is off t & w), he was playing his guitar. I go ds to xo hello. I go back upstairs. (I have encouraged him in the past to practice and told him that he doesn't have to quit b/c i am home), but he comes upstairs. I go potty, brush my teeth, etc. want to collapse-i feel totally drained from not sleeping well and dreaming about work. (yuck!) I want to cry, but don't want to set him off and don't want to be "needy". I just want my blankie!! tee hee... so we sit on the couch and snuggle some, he asks what's wrong i say i'm tired. we chit chat, try to figure out what to do for dinner. I tell him it's his turn to pick. decide that we want to watch a couple of the re-runs on tv. then i fluff-n-puff and we go out to eat.
he runs into a girl. he introduces me to her as a bartender from the restaraunt that he/we go to after bike riding. (sometimes he spends hours there on tues.) she asks where he's been, he says it's been cold, etc. i feel some jealousy, i wonder if he is attracted to her, etc., i want to say something to him. But do i? NOOOO!! I was a good girl!! I did a major 180!! I talked myself out of it. Decided that he just sees her as a friendly person to chat with (that serves BEER), and well, she wasn't that cute, and that as long as he is happy with me, he won't want anyone else!!! YIPPEE!!! THIS IS HUGE FOR ME!!!
So, why doesn't he notice? dunno...takes it for granted i guess. he figures i should never be jealous so...
We've had convo's that the better we get along, the more likely h will want to go out in public. It will just take time. We do ok going to see bands, the prob's have been in nightclubs and at this weekly festival in the summer where we run into his xfiance. I had MAJOR j issues with her. (story for another time.)
I should be REALLY grateful for the romantic eve. we had last friday. Somethings happened that I have always hoped for. I continue to hope for our romantic life to get better and better. Which of course, requires more work on the R.
Ok, how about goals for the next couple days:
1. Set aside some time for myself and verbalize it if necessary 2. Act as if I am cheerful, bubbly, independent 3. Don't let our convo. get in the way of continuing to DB. 4. Believe that this too shall pass 5. Don't worry about what his friends think of me (who cares anyway, right?) 6. Appreciate what I have. (I know we are much farther along than a lot of people here.) But, it has only been a few months ago that h said he didn't know if he wanted to be m to me too. 7. Continue to love and adore h-open my heart to him (and God) 8. Figure out what truly makes Karen happy-is it really nightclubs or is it having special convo's with hubby or laughing or whapping him in the face with a sock?(even though I end up on the floor.) How can I reach my goal of climbing Joshua Tree or Devil's Tower? (With a guide of course) Does anyone want to go with me??? Don't have a year picked yet. Maybe '05?? Ok, so 8 is going to require a lot of work.
Is that enough? Oc, I don't think i'll be around either tday. So, i'll see ya'll (no, i am a midwesterner) (yes, i KNOW it's not in the midwest). karen p.s. thanks for the compliment water on the humor and insight!
Well, I took my goals home but forgot to read them continuously. And I realized that I didn't make my point in one of my paragraphs. Where I was saying that he quits playing guitar and comes upstairs, etc.-It's like even when I go to veg, or go to "my room" or go into our room to lay down or whatever, he eventually comes in and asks what I am doing. I don't know what to say, so I say what does it look like I'm doing? not very nice, I know. I just need to say, Just vegging, or just having quiet time, or something to that effect. Any ideas? Something that means I do not want to talk right now or have to be Acting as if b/c i need time to regroup-or whatever.
We did go out with his one guy friend and we all got along fine. There was one point where we ran into a ff of mine from out of town and I got pulled aside. I told him to come this way and he said that he wanted to go that way with his friend since he hadn't seen him in a while. I was thinking "we were just with him on Sunday." (but guy talk...) then "but he told me he says whatever he says to friend that he would say in front of me..." etc. So, YES, I was getting paranoid. H was acting somewhat aloof earlier in the eve. I think maybe he was afraid of how the eve. was going to go.
We went to a few diff. places. Went home. Then I was acting REALLY weird. I think those Smirnoff Ices sneak up on me. We got home, undressed, got into bed. I wanted to snuggle but our bodies were cold. I said we would warm up by snuggling, he said he would lose heat by snuggling with me. I got pissy, had a fit basically b/c I wasn't getting my way he rolled over, then i did, then i rolled back and said, "don't you wanna play w/me? can't we snuggle??" then i cried a little. then we did and fell asleep. Part of it i didn't even remember b/c i thought we fell asleep first and he said we didn't. we talked about it b/c I told him i had a guilty conscience and that i had gone psycho. he agreed that i was having a fit b/c i wasn't getting my way.
I told him that I thought I was having a hard time b/c of the cycle that I told you guys about the other day where we get along for a while then I turn. He asked if that's what I thought it was and I said, yes that I had been struggling with it Tuesday and Wednesday. He just listened. I thanked him and asked if it scared him. He said no, and we went about.
Tday was fine. watched movie, ate at his aunt's. haven't been able to kiss for a few days b/c i have a cold sore so we've been pretending. last night i said, "you want to kiss me, don't you?" teasingly. he said, YEAH, i do!"
sorry this is long karen
hope to catch up with you soon-lunch time... am i sick if i missed you guys???
I think you are doing great. If I were you, I'd get myself all dolled up and go out on a "separate activity" without him. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it...and I'd start doing it a few times a month or even once a week... Just go out for coffee with a friend or go shopping or whatever, but dress up! Make him wonder why you are getting all dolled up all the time...and don't say anything other than I feel better if I look better, if he asks you why you are doing this. And you might even dress a little down when you go out with him....don't get all frumped out, but just wear jeans and a nice t-shirt, and do your hair and makeup. See if he notices that you are dressing better when you go out with others....and see if it bothers him just a bit. Actions often speak louder than words. If he asks why you aren't getting all dressed up when you go places with him, just say that you feel so comfortable with him you don't feel the need to get so dressed up when you hang out with him, and then remark how glad you are that he seems to feel so comfortable with you that he doesn't feel a need to dress up either. It just might get him thinking.
^$#)&* Puter kicked me off & I lost my post!! (It's just not the same having to re-write)
AK gal- I know that I need to go out more with my friends w/o him and look good.
I think that he started dressing down around me b/c I was wearing jeans all the time b/c of the not having more dress pants issue. I also was feeling self-conscious about wearing skirts, but now I have lost weight, so I can wear them again and feel seXy.
++ On TDay eve when we went out, h was looking in his closet and said, "what should I wear?" I said, "are you thinking out loud or asking my opinion?" He said both so I helped him pick out an outfit! He wore dockers and a fake suede shirt that I bought him. Nice! I wore my *new* Express low rise slacks and a hot red top and high heeled black boots. (I didn't buy the chadwick's stuff b/c of $).
The other night when he went out with the guys he did not get totally dressed up, so it is not EVERY time.
I think I just need to get over this.
*The thing is that most of our issues are centered around control-me trying to control him and his resistance to it. If I could just give that up!!! How do I do that?? Why do I have to manipulate all situations?? Sheesh!
This dressing up and control thing do seem to be a difficult issues for you.
Quote: The thing is that most of our issues are centered around control-me trying to control him and his resistance to it. If I could just give that up!!! How do I do that?? Why do I have to manipulate all situations?? Sheesh!
From what I've read, I think you are right about this. This seems to be a personality type, but I'm sure you can overcome it. Why do you want to control him or feel that you need to control him? You are his wife, not his mother. I know that a lot of people has a very hard time not trying to control others and I think it is because by doing that they feel more secure somehow. But, he is a grown man. You know that he resents you doing this. Wouldn't you resent it yourself? You've said before that he always seems to wait on you to make plans, etc. Maybe this is because you've always been the one in control so he doesn't bother making the effort. Stop trying to make up for what you feel that he lacks. Try to put yourself in his place and treat him like you'd want to be treated. You can do it. You've come so far and you are doing so well. I have a friend who like to control and she is slowly learning how to "chill" and she says that it is such a relief. You can do it and I'm sure you will feel like a weight has been lifted. Just bite your tongue, breathe deep, and let it go!! You can do it.
with each other and we only feed each other ice cream. 
ok, i do all of the feeding. He said that we see bands together which is fun. And some of those bars are nicer which we dress up for. 
How can I reach my goal of climbing Joshua Tree or Devil's Tower? (With a guide of course) Does anyone want to go with me??? Don't have a year picked yet. Maybe '05?? Ok, so 8 is going to require a lot of work. 
