Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 6 MONTHS IN AND FEELING A WOBBLE........

Yes it is a great analogy OP - thank you - I am (just) old enough to remember the cinema (in the UK) with proper reel to reel film.....we could also smoke in those days too!!

I do get the fact that I have choices about my actions and I can only control my actions to the situation - noone elses at all.

Sometimes it is just hard to see the wood for the trees and not be tempted by your brain, when it is tired and hormonal, into a land of make believe.....but I do try - honestly I do try!

looking forward to a good week ahead - kids are back at school from Tuesday and life will be 'new normal' again

lalxx

feeling good today - my chidlren are back at school and the calm dullness of my everyday routine helps me enormously to cope with my situation. I have a busy day planned workwise so my brain is occupied and despite being awake really early this morning I slept well.

I am taking my son to a football match this evening (soccer) which I am hoping his team will win - he has recently started to play for them and loves it - my daughter and I plan to cook a lasagne for dinner and then (fingers crossed) anotehr day will have passed and I will have inched forward a little bit....

lalxx

a bit of an update really
so back from my son's concert - met up with my husband outside the City Hall - he got the drinks, the children and I sat down - when he joined us I was talking to my son's drum teacher - my husband later told me he thought he was my boyfriend???

We were sitting in front of a few old ladies who had worked at my husband's school whilst he was there - he was the lovely old charming husband - catching up with them etc - he introduced me to them as his wife - I overheard him saying he was organising a school reunion (talk about going back in time......).

I saw the 15 year old child tonight - when a singer walked on in a low cut dress he said "wow, this is more like it" - I have managed to be pleasant and cordial with him - looking good - smiley and had good eye contact.

He was wearing clothes he has bought post bomb - purple is so not his colour - he looked tired and his eyes still looked dead - I caught him looking at me a few times during the performance but I concentrated on looking at the stage (it's amazing what mum's see out of the corner of their eyes isn't it??).

So, the kids almost got in the car without saying goodbye - they then gave him hugs and kisses by which time I was belted up in the drivers seat - we sorted out some detail about the handover tomorrow and I drove off.

Feel ok about how I conducted myself - I am not sitting here in a quivering heap and the overheard conversation isn't bothering me at all - so I try hard at being detached and tonight I feel accomplished it for the first time properly - he is around a bit next week so I can see I'll be putting my new found skills to good use.

lalxx

lalxx, sounds like your H had a few touch and goes and a little peeking out of the tunnel.

Did he act at all jealous when he thought the drum teacher was your bf?

Way to go on the way you handled yourself! Being detached makes it all easier to deal with.

The easiest way for a MLCer to get a Do-Over of their perceived lost youth that they are grieving ... is to go back to the glory days and hook up with someone they were once with, or wanted to be with, etc.

Perhaps it completes an old unresolved fantasy, or just gives them fuel for a new one.

Not only do the MLCers find someone they would never have been seen in public with a couple years ago, they are not the person you knew a couple years ago. The MLCer is like an alien shape changer, trying to be the person they wish they had been. And they try hard. This becomes easier for them and more within their grasp as they burn down and destroy all previous life as they knew it. What they can't erase or destroy, they re-write to fit this new fantasy.

Keep reading, posting and venting here. It will help you gain some perspective on MLC. But focus most on the threads or notes explaining how important it is for you to continue to live for yourself, and improve yourself. This you will value the most once you find yourself in your better life. If there is ever any taste for revenge, understand that the best revenge is in living the better life.

hello seeking answers - yes he did act a bit jealous - I was standing up talking to the drum teacher (who is my type it has to be said) and my husband looked at each of us and sat down - I introuduced him "you remember son's drum teacher don't you?" and he said "oh yes, yes of course" and started to talk to him. It was about an hour later my husband said he thought he was my boyfriend.....

Made me smile anyway (just a little bit)

There have been a few touch and goes in the last two weeks or so - warmer texts and e-mails long with a couple of "love you all" when he speaks with the children when we drive to school (hands free kit so all hear in car). I normally stay quiet when he rings and speaks the chidlren.

My expectation meter is still firmly at zero and I am GALing my legs off.

lalxx

Was2Sad - my husband has hooked with an ex girlfriend from 25 years ago (they courted for 5 years). They started an EA in Nov 2008 and I am certain it got physical in April 2009 (this is when my husband claims our marriage died whilst on a family holiday in Colorado). He left on our 14th wedding anniversary on Sept 30th 2009.

The OW is 43, never been married, no children and was made redundant from her job last May. My husband's best friend told me she looks like my husband's Mum (who died when he was 15). Throughout last year my husband seemed to go back to this time in his life - musically, behaviour and the people he hung around with (I hate face book). I said last year iit was like he was going back to a time when he didn't know me and was happy i.e. couldn't be happy around the time his Mum died - couldn't be after 25 as we'd been together that long and she sat squarely in the middle of that time.

I ahve got used to his rewritng of our marriage and life together.

I was saying this before I found out about MLC - I am detaching and GALing - I have always said the ebst revenge is for me to crack on have a great life.

I read today a quote from Ann Frank - "I don't think of all the misery, I think of all the beauty which remains" - it resonanted with me.

thank you for your time

lalxx

Hi lalxx
My H must have bought every 80's CD ever made in order to go back to his youth.

Hang on in there

Interesting. The OW is almost your husband's age and bears a resemblance to his mother who passed away when he was 15...Hmmmm.

Well, it has been said that some OWs represent an attachment that was never broken with the MLC'er's Mom. It having gone to a PA, may have changed things a bit, and possibly shook some things up with him.

From what I understood from all that time ago, along with some bits and pieces he'd said about her, my husband's OW was the opposite of ME, acted and even SOUNDED like his mom..weird, but true...I'd heard her voice on the phone when he'd called her once long after the affair was finished, claiming he'd "found" her number in his little phone book. She acted like she didn't know him, but she did. I never said a word, so neither knew I was there.
She had been connected with his work, so I only knew her name, and knew what she was saying was a bunch of baloney.

Anyway, I was nothing like his mom, so the recreation of that parental attachment couldn't be done with me...and so, she took that place. She was his age, and I honestly do not know anything else about her except for the fact she was red-headed(dye job), and for some crazy reason liked to wear wigs..

The Replay of times past can be worked out in some very weird ways, if the MLC'er did not make the proper break from his Mother when grown.

I was floored when I figured that one out; and it took me awhile to do so. I was disgusted, to say the least, and for that reason alone, he nearly got left in a literal sense (again).
I contemplated leaving him quite a few times all during his MLC, but never did. I couldn't ever answer the "What if" questions to my own satisfaction...and just HAD to see what happened next.
Curiosity nearly killed this cat; at least in an emotional sense.
But I didn't fall over and die..I just kept on keeping on, all the while praying that I didn't kill him before it was over with for all he'd done to himself, his marriage, and me, his spouse.

It's like the ripple effect, drop a stone in the water, and it creates ripples that are far reaching; entire families are rocked as a result of the running, deception, and irresponsibility that goes on in this.

Don't think for one minute he has no idea of what he's doing; he does. MLC or not, everyone has choices that are made, and stupid ones are made every day. The moral code within is screaming loud and clear that they are making a mistake, and it's being ignored. Their consciences are tormenting them..the reason for the "fog" and "confusion" that is suffered, besides the fact the hormones are mostly out of whack, and low or non-existent.

I walked that road for 6 years myself, and I was AWARE of everything that went on; things that were said, temptations that were placed before me. I didn't do anything wrong, but it didn't mean I didn't want to.
I'm not such a great person, but the moral code I was raised with was holding me firmly; even when I was so confused I couldn't hear myself think at times.

The strangest thing was I could not remember ONE thing I had written in my time here, and the only thing I could remember was that to get out, I had to FACE EVERYTHING; not in part, but in WHOLE. Seemed like the only thing I COULD remember while within that time.

I not only had to face what I was facing while in the tunnel myself, but I also had to process AGAIN; what he'd done to me...and revenge sounded good...but it would have been WRONG.

When you "get someone back"..you are just as wrong as they are..and it can backfire in a bad way on YOU.

A clear conscience is something you cannot buy back once you've soiled it.

The rejected and alone times are for us to contemplate ourselves, take our journeys to wholeness, and it is NOT a time to think about the next relationship, should that happen.

Believe me, I have been there, faced that question...and when I was standing for my marriage, the idea of dating or getting someone else would have been a wrong thing for me to do.

The guilt alone would have been unbearable, as I had marriage vows that I had NOT broken,(and still not broken to this day) even though he'd broken his, and betrayed not only his marriage, but HIMSELF.

Anyhow, I digress;

I was just amazed reading the above quoted, and have read this same type situation several times in years past.

As time rocked on, I had to heal from every aspect of his MLC, all the way down to stopping my mind from running 90 to 100 miles an hour...I literally "purged" the experience, and shocked more than a few people, as they'd had NO idea of what I'd endured; although I will say, what I endured was not as hard as some.

But it was STILL hard enough to let time do it's job, as I had to process what happened as it happened.

It took me nearly two years to reach forgiveness, and begin to heal. Yet, I did it in parts and pieces as it went along, still walking my own road to wholeness, even as he came along slowly but surely.

The biggest hurdle for me was not only the forgiveness, but ACCEPTANCE of all that had happened..only when I had accepted that it happen, could I begin to heal and forgive.

You may get past denial, anger and the bargaining stages of this...but being able to accept, forgive and heal, takes a great deal of strength, and these last three are the most important parts of this whether the marriage comes back together or not.

Through this process, my memories were dimmed, clouded, taken away, although some came back when I was going through The Change..yet so much was forgotten by me.

Eventually, you WILL get there, regardless of what happens.

hello all,
I am in need of a bit of good old fashioned advice.

I came home yesterday evening to a letter from my husband's solicitor. It is the first letter I ahve received in this regard and my husband had told me to expect a letter 'after easter' in an e-mail he sent to me on 23rd March 2010.

Paula
As you know I moved out of XXXX Lane on the morning of the 1st October 2009. It has been almost 6 months and it should be clear to all involved that I will not be returning.
I dont want to get drawn into the details and recriminations of what took place as neither of us will agree about the reasons behind it. Suffice to say we now need to make some clear plans about the future, for us both and for the children.
Currently we have an agreement which requires us both to pay £XXXX into the joint account each month and have arrangements to have the children every other weekend, subject to change only if it is agreed between both parties.
This is working reasonably well and the children seem relatively unaffected by what has occurred, although this will potentially change as they become aware, with joint agreement, about what is going to happen in the future. You have indicated to me that your desire is to be the childrens main carer and, at the moment, I dont see that changing unless you want to discuss a different outcome.
We have agreed that their education is of critical importance and that we are both committed to achieving the best for them in the circumstances. I am as committed now to their schooling choice as ever. I hope we both agree on that.
I have now taken formal legal advice and my solicitor will be writing to you after Easter to inform you of my desire to engage in divorce proceedings.
However, it is my intention to allow you to divorce me on either grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour. If you are unwilling to do this., within a short time frame, then I will have no option but to start proceedings against you on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
These are the only two options open to me or to you to start this process. Whilst I can understand that you will not be very happy with me, again, I dont see that either of us have an option.
My desire is not to engage in lots of letters between solicitors, but to work to a suitable agreement that suits all parties. There can be no financial settlement without a divorce and both of us need to know where we stand in the future.
It has been recommended to me that we engage in a process of discussion, guided by either a conciliation service or, at worst, solicitors.
I think that both of us want to avoid expensive and lengthy court proceedings, as neither of us have the money to do this.
No doubt this email will cause some more upset and for that I do apologise, but it is better for me to write to you in this way rather than you receiving a letter from my solicitor out of the blue.

I filed this e-mail and didn't respond - thinking he's just telling me to expect a letter - the letter arrived 23rd April 2010 and says pretty much what my husband has outlined above. The letters says they 'would hope to receive a response within 21 days of the date of this letter.'

So this is where I need advice - he has been warmer of late - I have been cool, calm, friendly and polite - my thoughts have always been that i would react to what has actually happened rather than reacting and thinking up 'what if' scenarios.

I shoudl add that he is up to his eyes in debt - living the high life from last year, struggling to make ends meet and we have a lot of equity in our home. I am self employed and have no chnace of ever getting a mortgage on my own - cheekily I think my starting point should be 100% of equity and move from there. I think part of this is about liquidity and clearing his debts.

I don't want a divorce and it somehow doesn't sit comfortably with me that I'd have to start the proceedings - looking into the future my chidren will be able to see these records and what has passed between us. So i feel caught between a rock and a hard place - sue my husband for divorce on grounds of his adultery or have him sue me for divorce on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour.....

I would really welcome anyone's thoughts here.

On a brighter note I went to my best friend's (second) wedding celebration yesterday and it was wonderful - I am GALing my legs off and heading up to bed for a snooze as I am feeling rather jaded. Alcohol and late nights hit me harder than they used to do.......


lalxx