Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Heartbroken and needing help!

Again - I am overwhelmed by your kind words of support! I came home from work (to an empty house again) - and was able to pull this site up and hear some thoughtful, encouraging words! Thank you so much!

I suppose I am "dim" right now / I decided that I would send an email each morning outlining what I think the day's schedule would be - when I would have dinner on the table, etc. I sent it to both my H and S. I told them that if they had better ideas just let me know - I'm flexible! I also added that if they had other plans - my feelings will not be hurt. I don't know if this was the right thing to do or not / but I felt like it kept my son somewhat structured and it communicated to my husband in a very minimum way.

Speaking of my beautiful S - this weekend he and I went to dinner. He asked why dad was working so much. I said that he had new projects that had deadlines that needed to be met, etc. (lied:() Then I asked him about a comment he had made to my sister about there being some fights at home. He said those comments were made 21/2 years ago (when H was busted first time / moved out for a week). He said he thought things were fine now. He said that one of his friends parents were divorcing and that his friend was very upset. My S said that it didn't surprise him - he thinks you can tell when people are likely to divorce. He named a few couples we know - I asked him "what about your dad and me" to which he replied "no way - you all are happy together"... My first thought was "and the Oscar goes to...ME":) - then I thought about how my H is really the only one who is not happy. No one thinks we have anything to be unhappy about / I know that it doesn't matter - but it feels almost like I'm in bizzaro world with him - he doesn't see what the rest of the world sees.
But my Day 1 of GAL has gone well and I have had no tears! That's a good thing!
Thanks for listening! I am blessed!

This is GREAT advice! Thank you!

I think that if I am honest - I am too numb to answer some of these questions! I have been so desperate to save our family unit that I put myself and my feelings last. If my family is happy then I am happy - but I know that thinking can come back to bite me.
I consider myself a fairly bright person - but this self-work - thinking about what I want - what I want to do - is the most difficult I've ever attempted. I am dumbfounded at the fact that I can't answer things about what I want to do with my time, my life, etc. I really don't know! I've always thought in terms of doing things together. We both work 10-12 hour days so there hasn't been much time left for individualism - let alone couple time. That's why the timing of this is so bad - we were really looking forward to the freedom that comes with our kids getting older and more independent. Now..who knows?

That does not surprise me.

They are important questions though.



Not good. You have to actually be a PART of this if you are going to be a part of it.

KWIM?



Who says YOU can’t still look forward to that time?

It may look differently than you envisioned, but your life is not coming to an end.

Time and most importantly, patience with yourself right now. As the numbness subsides, you will be able to find the answers.

Good advice Cat

lalxx

Cat -
I appreciate that insight / this crisis has forced me to realize how detached I've actually become from myself! IC and MC talk to me about establishing myself as separate from the marriage - but after 28 years - it's tough! I've been in work mode / wife mode / mom mode for so long - there has been no time to be in me mode! It's embarrassing to think that I can't answer simple questions about what I want to do / or how much more can I take! All I know is to take it! I've always felt that I've been able to succeed in my career BECAUSE my home life was stable! It's always been my top priority! Now my whole world is out of sync!
I really hope I don't sound like I am whining! My own youth was full of chaos and I've always had to "learn" what is normal! I read EVERYTHING on any problem or issue that I have - even though I have pretty good intuition - I never feel strong enough! I've got a lot of work to do!

OK - here's another issue. Since no one knows what is going on inside our home - we are supposed to attend a family wedding this weekend. I went ahead and booked a room and offered H to stay (there's a sofa bed available). He said he was trying to save money for "what he was trying to do" (I'm interpreting as leaving me) - I say no problem - I will pay for the room. I ask him if we can act "normal" during the wedding = he agrees.
I know that I am allowing him to be a complete ass to me - cruel at times / heartless - but if you know a MLCr is not seeing the world clearly, etc. - are you supposed to call them on it? Or am I supposed to stand back and be the stable one knowing that I am sane???? Help - I feel so embarrassed throwing this stuff out there - but I honestly don't know what I am doing!!! Thanks for listening!

That is something that tends to happen to women. We become wives and mothers and lose ourselves in the process.

I love being a mother, but I am learning I am a better mother now that I have an idea who I am outside of my child.

I believe that I am also a better partner to the man in my life, than I was to my H. I am definately a different type of partner. Much more of a participant in the relationship as an individual than I was.



This is normal and you should not be embarrassed about it.

Irish, life is not about enduring, although some of us have life experiences that teach us that it is. It is about living and thriving and surviving all that comes our way.



We all come here with a lot of work to do. In fact, I think most of us realize that we have more work to do than we thought after we get here (cursing under her breath and being thankful at the same time).

What you will go through with this, is not for the faint of heart. It isn't easy. But it is well worth it.

For now, do your best to live with the uncertainty that is your M. If your H doens't want to tell people and you aren't ready, then just act as normally as possible when in situations where people don't know. This is your private business and until you are ready to share, it is better to keep it private.

Irish, be patient with yourself. Take some time to really understand MLC, depression, and sexual addictions. Read and learn about forgivness. Unconditional love. Explore your spiritual side as much as you can or want to. Renew your faith in God and yourself.

This didn't happen overnight and it won't resolve overnight.

No one, here or anywhere, can guarantee you what the outcome of your M will be.

You have some big issues, bigger than most I've seen, to deal with.

When the time comes, if you continue to do the work, if you take the challenge of this journey that has been laid before you, you will know the answers to your questions. You will know yourself like you never imagined you would.

It is a scary, amazing, wonderful, rollercoaster of a ride, my friend.

Know that we are here, to help you along the way. No one can make the decisions for you, and we can't spoon feed you the right and wrongs, but we can share our insight, our experiences, and do our best to help guide you to the ability to know in your own heart, exactly what YOUR answers are.

Hi Cat!

Irish, these things you are dealing with are really, really big things. Huge, really.

And I know how you feel about losing you. We get so wrapped up in the lives of our children and our husbands, that we lose us.

And really, that is not a good thing. We may think it is at the time, but, really it's not.

You will learn, if you take this journey, that happiness really comes from within ourselves. When we love, nurture and take care of ourselves, that is when we can share in the happiness of others. We cannot make someone else happy, only they can.

So, don't beat yourself up about what happened in the past. Start today to find your happiness. Start today to figure out what makes you sing. You.

Live YOUR life.

Hello Irish,

As far as allowing your H to be an a$$ to you, well, there is a place where you don't have to attack to defend yourself. Just a simple "I'll talk with you later." Then remove yourself from the situation. It doesn't mean you have to leave your home to go out, just another room.

If this doesn't work try something else.

Keep in mind that you are also showing your son how wives/women will be treated.

It is all so exhausting and overwhelming right now. Please take care of yourself.

HUGS