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Awoken

Sorry you had to come across that stuff this weekend while you were already feeling down. I know it is not easy to find evidence that highlights the lies but it really is just additinal confirmation of what you already knew.

And no, you are not pathetic. You are walking a hard road right now, grieving the loss of your M, being a positive force for your kids despite your pain, and dealing with the fact that your W is still there which keeps you knee-deep in the lies.

I hope that you are able to find some peace of mind today.

Hey PG,



I understand what you are saying here, and I'm gonna ponder it. Right now it feels like the extra details are just fueling my grief, you know what I mean?

I thought I prepared myself for this week. I've filled my schedule up with activities. I took an Easter gig for this morn/afternoon. The money will be good, but right now the last thing I want to do is play music in front of people. It makes the emotions that much stronger.

The main thing last night, while I couldn't sleep, was this deep frustration that I was back to the self-pity and anger that I had towards the beginning of my sitch. I'm pouring it out here, as I just felt I needed to get it out.

Thanks 12bar for this:

It's simple, but that needs to be my goal for today.

One other little detail really ticks me off, and I realize I'm gonna have to get use to it in my future. W has arranged with a "friend" for D14! to visit an office of a video game company while they are out of town. It's the company that the OM works at.

I found this all out in about 5 minutes last night. Realized I was obsessing, and doing myself no good.
This leaves me with my original questions. I'll rephrase them:

Is there any value in confronting my W with my knowledge of her lies?

Is it better for me just to ignore this completely?

What is the best strategy to get her out of the house sooner?

Awoken, I wish I could answer your questions. I agree with rr that it's too soon to take action.

I think it's very important to recognize that getting the details of the A is another bomb for you, and that you're dealing with the "shattering" that comes with that. Even if you don't wish to be married to your W, there are a lot of ties that bind you and having to deal with evidence of this betrayal is a lot to absorb.

This is a time to be really gentle with yourself. Try to alternate distraction and focus on the present to cope. Use the red stop sign every time your thoughts go back to obsessing. Talking to someone IRL and vent if you can. Reach out to a friend and get some warmth and a hug.

Detaching is a process and it's understandable that this would feel like a setback.

(((Awoken)))

Apologies, but here's a 2X4. Your wife is very likely STILL an untreated, unrecovered, mostly unrepentant alcoholic who is hiding the full extent of her drinking. 2X4: Your wife would lie about this because she has already proven that she lies for long periods of time about alcohol and infidelity (and perhaps more).

You said:



Is there any value in confronting my W with my knowledge of her lies?

Is it better for me just to ignore this completely?

What is the best strategy to get her out of the house sooner?





Why would you ignore this completely? Because you want to work on your M? You can still work on your M if you put her out.


Go to the infidelity thread later and see what they suggest.

It doesn't seem good for your mental health (and thus not good for your children's mental health) to be lied to and cheated on under your own roof.

If you decide to get her out of house quicker, just tell her you have proof she's been cheating but don't share it with her. Say that's the reason she has to move quickly and give her a few days to go.

You don't have to help her in any other way. She did this, not you. If you decide to do this, you have to release yourself from enabling her not to experience the consequences of her infidelity.

If she can get a room at the Ritz to have an affair, she can quickly get a cheap motel and then rent an apartment. Not your problem. Sorry to sound harsh, but if and when you decide that, it's true. You have the right not to be abused in this way even though you may not have been the perfect husband.

Someone in the infidelity thread probably has some experience with how to put someone who's cheating out and minimizing the impact on you and the kids, if that's what you decide to do. And I don't know if you should. It's just one option.

"W, I have decided I will not share you with another man. Please make plans to move out by X date. I will not pay for anything that allows you to continue to be a cheat. Prepare to get your own cell phone. Let's make a plan to separate our finances and move forward with the divorce. If you want to be honest about your drinking and the affair and take XYZ steps to address them, then I am willing to discuss reconciliation. If not, I have decided I value and respect myself too much to remain married to you."

The key is "I have decided."

She doesn't respect you. Women cannot be attracted to men they don't respect. My H got my respect when he bombed me and called B.S. on my behavior. Best thing that ever happened for our M.

ARE you willing to stay married to a woman while she's cheating on you?

SD

Awoken,

What SD said. Time to use the hurt and anger costructively.

Thank you;

I'm a wreck. I'm even surprised by it.
I just got back from playing my stupid gig that I took to help pay my lawyer and to fill the time. I went to my car every break and sobbed. I doubt I fit in very well at this happy Easter event. I'm supposed to go to a friends concert tonite, but I"m considering skipping it.

I'm listening. This is why I posted; to slow down my panic. What I want to do is to call W, tell her I know about her lies and that I want her to stop delaying our divorce.

My lawyer and I made a reasonable offer to her three weeks ago. I can see clearly now that she doesn't really have any incentive to change the status quo, since is getting everything she wants. I also want to call her parents and expose her affair to them. I think only in my fantasy world will doing this benefit me.

I'm not willing to stay married to her anymore. I've been the one driving the divorce now for the past month. This is why I'm so surprised at how strong my emotional response is to this.

Not only can't I imagine her ever wanting a M with me, I can't see me wanting it either. It's very sad.


I think I'm much to late to all of this. That's why I wonder if it even matters at this point, and why I'm confused at how upset I am. We have already separated finances, she insisted on her own cell phone plan (to facilitate her affair), has her own private email. Even though she filed for divorce at the beginning of the year, she's done nothing else towards it, and I've been doing the pushing. I want to move on with my life, and get her out of the house.

What I'm wondering is if I have to wait until she gets back to confront her on this? Maybe I could call and tell her that I want her to use some of her spring break to call her lawyer and get the ball rolling, and that I have decided that I cannot live with her while she is having an affair.