Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers to all walk away spouses

Tis true Gman. Thank goodness for those who are able, and do reply!

thank you your right we on this post are never alone but it feels that way at times.
I have gone dark as much as possible.
I do feel that my wife is behind on her court stuff so that will be coming up sometime don't know when but i can't and won't do anything to help her in that problem. That one is all hers...

will post more later

storm is still here....

Well I'm sorry it took about two weeks to find you, but I am here now, for what it is worth.




True, true words. I seek out those who have no one talking to them, but there are many forums and many situations, and limited hours in my day. You are not alone. And sometimes the best way to find assistance is to venture out to others' threads and say a few things to them. Also, seek out veterans like Puppy Dog Tails and Gnosis. They are wonderful DB'ers who help as much as they can.

I am an ex WAW, returned to my H about three years ago. And now he is my WAH and I get to feel the pain I caused. Ironic and so apropos it is astonishing.

Now for your questions -



I left my H for a OM I was having an EA/PA with. I left because I was selfish, childish, and lost in a fantasy world in which responsibilities and promises made had no meaning.

I came back to my M within a year though all of the false attempts make the exact timing a little fuzzy. I ended up at absolute rock bottom, which is what it usually takes. Each persons rock bottom moment is unique. Mine was sitting in a jail cell, five months pregnant, facing prison time. I finally looked at myself and saw what I had become, what I had left, and what I was leaving my H for.

Anyone who will cheat with you will cheat on you, and as soon as I was out of the state (ex OM was supposed to join me, but got "distracted") he went and got another friend pregnant too. We thought for a long while my S2 (3 in a few months)was ex OM's, but thankfully have since discovered otherwise. I chose a real winner, eh?



This is more complicated than you might think.

First let me point out that whatever small amount of rational thought I had from the moment I met the ex OM, I knew that an A with him was not going to end well. That being said, I told myself "damn the cost" (bad idea) and pursued him anyway.

The PA ended about 8 months after it began, with one relapse almost a year later because I never admitted that I hadn't given up the EA. After that I went cold turkey - NC with ex OM for over a year. The friend he left me for decided to try to patch up our R about May of last year and I foolishly agreed. But after a few casual contacts with her and ex OM, I don't keep in touch anymore. I look at him now and wonder what I saw in the first place. And I can't hurt my H by having any contact with ex OM anymore. Only since getting out of a bipolar fog and having the same awful things done to me have I seen just how hurtful this must have been.



Also an interesting question. When you are in the A, that isn't how you see it, or at least not often. I felt guilty because my actions were making my H unhappy - I offered him a D so he could move on - but I didn't consider them wrong. I was pursuing the greatest happiness in my life after all. (Please note dripping sarcasm.) When you are in that fog, only the actions that keep you with the OP seem "right."

And honestly, if I had known pain could be this acute, I could never have had the A in the first place. I didn't understand until I had to live every moment of my H's pain for myself. It is excruciating, but I bear it gladly. I wish no ill on anyone, including a WAS. But if they truly had to feel the pain they inflict I think many would go home a whole lot sooner.



Obviously I'll have to let you know the answer to this one if/when my H comes back to me. Because I thought we had mended our marriage and were doing so much better - we seemed happy - and he walked right into the arms of someone else.

And now I'd like to add something that I'm pretty certain will not be well received. But you want to understand, so I can try to explain. A WAS may not have been intending to find or looking for the OP. Small consolation and certainly not an excuse. But I think many LBS feel that cheating spouses were just out there looking for the right OP to be unfaithful with. And maybe in some cases they are. But in mine and I would guess many more it is not so. It is more a case of not being where you should be physically/mentally/emotionally.

I am not a religious person, but when I first tried to form this thought about an A in my head, a Bible class I took way back when I was a Christian came to me. When David saw Bathsheba and decided to have her, even though it was wrong, it wasn't because he was looking for a way to disappoint God and throw his kingdom into turmoil. He was supposed to be away fighting a war for God. In not being where he should have been, David chose a path likely to lead him even further astray.

For me, I was at a party. I knew I shouldn't have been there. But I went anyway. And I knew (not really a premonition, just a weird feeling) that if I went that something would go wrong in a big way. But I wasn't looking for a way to destroy my M. I wasn't looking for my ex OM so I could profess my love to a man who neither deserved it nor owned it. It belongs to my H. I was also out of touch with my H mentally/emotionally. Again, not an excuse; there is no excuse. But the two acts together of being in the wrong place really was a recipe for disaster. FWIW.

OK, I'll bite.
I'm a WAW. This is my third walk-away. I've been married almost 21 years and have three teenagers. My STBX Hus is verbally and physically abusive, so there you have it. Case closed.
Easy decision? Nope.

Dear Fallen Knight:
If veteran posters like sandi2, and bworl are reaching out to you (no offense to the rest) then you are in excellent hands. Perhaps Coach is lurking about somewhere?
Listen to them. You are not alone.
Peace. Goldey

I almost walked away. I had a 2 month affair, mostly online. wife found out which brought the affair out in the open. I was still addicted to OW so I took a flight out to visit her for a few days. Things got somewhat physical.

When I got back, I lied to my wife about what had happened but one day she made me swear to God nothing physical happened, which I finally confessed. I was ready to move out but changed my mind at the last minute.

The OW and I were convicted of what we were doing and agreed to break things off within a week after I got back.

After that I went into depression/withdrawal for a month while I got over her, but I did and it was hard.

After that was out of my system, my love for my wife returned with a passion, more than ever before. I was totally recommiteed to her, my marriage and family. A God thing, I'm convinced.

Unfortunately, she was done with me and wouldn't give me a second chance. She moved out Feb. of 2009, filed for D in April, and we're at the last stages.

This brought on a much worse 2nd depression, where I lost 45 llbs, couldn't sleep/panic and anxiety attacks and obsessing.

Stupidest, selfish, most regretful thing I've done in my life - throwing away my family.

Stupidest, selfish, most regretful thing I've done in my life - throwing away my family.

If only my H would see...

Undefeated- it's good to learn about what goes on in the head of a WAW in an A. I'm sorry for the pain you are now feeling, - you don't deserve it either. If you want to hold out for your H, then you are in the right place. As a LBS it's hard not to self-loath or internalize everything.

Thanks maynard. I feel it is my karma, my debt to repay the pain I caused. It doesn't make his A ok or justifiable. I have had others think that is my meaning. But they are separate matters to my way of thinking. I could as easily feel little or no pain at all now and move on with my children and my life.

I am, indeed, holding out for my H. I don't hate myself anymore, and I know that if he comes home we can be stronger than we ever had a chance at before. We will have common ground and common wounds. I think understanding one another will be a good place to start rebuilding.

I am happy to answer any questions I am able about being a WAW as long as everyone understands that my answers are not universal. I suppose I can just give you a look inside my head and you can see if it applies.

Undefeated,
I can't tell you how much I admire your candor, your courage, and you after reading this.
Thank you.

Maybe you should print it out and send it to H.

Undefeated- they talk about the fog, about believing feelings will never come back, about the confidence in knowing that you married the wrong person. You mentioned moments of clarity. Was there ever a point where you just said, eff it!? Where you figured too many lies and too many hurts were done to warrant a reconciliation?
These boards talk about the WAW not having any respect left for the LBS- do you relate to that? Did your H do any one thing in particular, or was it solely due to your hitting bottom?
When a SO busted the A to friends or family, did it have any impact on the A?

Thanks for your help