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I'm so sorry, E. I agree that kids need their dads. And if a man really wants to be "Mr. Mom", then he should get the opportunity. We all know it didn't work out so well for my H, but he never really asked for the role--he just kind of got pushed into it.

I don't think there is one reason you shouldn't have joint custody of your kids that HAS TO DO WITH YOU.

I still wonder if she isn't trying to hurt you. Or like Cat said on my thread--she's found your biggest button & is pushing it. I can see where some moms might be afraid of abandoning their kids, but if she really cared about that she wouldn't be doing what she's been doing for the past few months. Nope--I still think this is meant only to hurt you.

She knows her stuff--there is no way this wasn't going to hurt you.

I don't have any real answers as to how to deal with her. I do see that you have your inlaw's support on this. And although I really agree with all of you, I worry that hearing how wrong this decision is from so many fronts is only going to make her feel like she is being ganged up on.

Does anyone have any ideas of how to DB a custody situation? I really don't think she has the kid's best interest at heart.

(((Eric)))

Eric,

I'm not a big religious person, to many people I see as the guy who gets to heaven and compalins to God about not saving him during the flood and God says, I DID send you two boats and helicopter...

Look you may not have much faith in God right now...that's fine brother man, He has faith in you.

You do what you need to do to be a good dad, and that will NEVER be the wrong thing. Alright?

All

Thank you for your support. FTR - I want everyone to know that my W is not a bad person. She is hurt. She is trying to deal with her own issues I guess. She raised the children while I spent most of my time working and well being a little selfish.

The one positive in all of this is that I have formed a great R with the kids. I enjoy being a DAD. I have been focused on giving my kids the best that I can.

I also realize that the fat lady has not gotten up and sang yet - at least as it relates to my kids. I need to keep my cool and continue to pray and hope for the best.

I think the most theraputic thing for me to do right now is to write her a quick note.

To my wife....

I am sorry for any pain that I have caused you.
I am sorry that you feel that you did not accomplish all that you set out to in your life.
I am sorry that I let you down in certain areas
I am so sorry
I thank you for being with me for 19 years.
I thank you for showing me many things
I thank you for your changes...prompted mine.
I thank you because I am not a better man
I thank you for being a wife for so long
I love you and I miss you

Eric

Jack

Thank you..you and so many others have no idea of the impact you guys have had on my life!

Whatever happens will happen - either way I WILL BE the best F*cking DAD! I may be down...I may cry...I may hurt...BUT I will not fail. I will not fail myself or my kids. Love never fails!

FYI to everyone...the love never fails is tatooed on my arm - I knew there was a reason I did that

God Bless and have a great weekend everyone. I'm taking my kids to the beach!

(((Eric)))

Correct this one. It's definitely a typo. I hope your W has a change of heart about custody. She'd have to be blind not to see your changes.

Just so you know, I wasn't slamming her. Really, I get it. I *know* down deep that H is a good man, even though most people would be hard pressed to ever get it.

I just mean that in her hurt and anger and MLCness, I think she's lost track of what she's really doing. I know you love her & I know this is hard, but I still think this is more of a move to hurt you than it is to do what's best for her & the kids.

Jack is right...He does have faith in you. Remember the "footprints in the sand" poem? Yeah, like that.

I like your note, but I agree with SA, that is most def. a typo.

We're here for you.

Sweetie, just a few thoughts. First of all, I'm sorry your wife is making you feel this way. I cannot get my mind around a mother who would not let her children be with their father as much as possible.

Who knows why she is doing this? Control, anger, who knows?

So, having said this, I agree with Jack, do what you must to protect your children.

I am just curious, though. Why are you having this conversation with her regarding the children? She is not the one who is going to decide it. It really serves no purpose other than making you feel bad and giving her more control.

And as far as the note, what are you hoping to accomplish by giving it to her? Because if you think it's going to make her change her mind or feel differently, it's not. She is not ready to hear it. It will just feel to her like you are not listening to how she feels and it will feel like pressure.

Of course, you should do what feels right to you. I suggest you write it and hold onto it for a few days before you give it. And if you do, don't be surprised if she's angry.

Hang in there, my friend. I promise you that things happen as they should.

Build memories with your children. Set an example. Show them how to get through a difficult situation with honor and integrity and strength. They are watching you. They need you to be strong. That is what gives them security. If you're alright, they will be, too. Trust that they know you love them, they know that you're there for them. They know.

Eric, my heart goes out to you, I know how much you are hurting right now.((((eric))))

I'm reading the note to your wife and I feel so much emotion, love and pain...it really touched me and stirred up some pretty strong emotions inside of me...yes I cried reading it.

Whatever you did or whoever you were in the past, you are not that man anymore, you have grown tremendously and I wish that your wife would see you with new eyes. And perhaps in time she will see the changes and she will believe them because they are real.

I wish that she could see what a great dad you are and how cheated the kids will be if they don't have you in their lives as much as they will have her. But you WILL BE the best F*cking DAD no matter what happens, I'm sure of that.

Be strong for you and for your children. Trust that good things come to good people and I know that you are a good person with a heart in the right place.

Thinking of you ((((hugs))))

Eric.

I know you had a rough convo last night, and I just want to remind you that..

R talks, are not always a bad thing....

It is the ones YOU initiate that are bad....

The ones that our whacked out spouses start, well, it is sort of an opportunity to shine for a while...

To be the person that is hard to walk away from ....

That is one of the reasons that they usually get angry....then shut down.

Because it IS hard to walk away from someone who has done the work on themselves.

The responses that YOU have, should come from your heart, and be a part of you.


Those are the changes that have stuck within yourself, and you can honestly be yourself because of that.

Vicious cycle huh ?

Look, the thing with the kids....

This a button....the ONLY one she knows she can push, and turn you from the prince back into the frog...

Can't you see that ?

Dude, she does it EVERYTIME.....

BECAUSE IT FREAKIN WORKS !!!!

Remove that button from yourself...and just live....

Document your time with the kids and the things you do for/with them....

And stop tryin gto be the judge-jury-and executioner for now...

Contact some Father Advocate Groups in your area, and let the legal aspect be on the back burner if it does not involve protecting yourself...

You are NOT gonna talk her into ANYTHING rational ....

Every second you waste trying to fix this , is a second wasting living that life with them....

They know who they can count on .....

Shelbel / Seeking - yes a typo!

B - we r trying to settle things via a collbortive process with both lawyers. I do not want to hurt her - nor do I want to be hurt. The children came up in a convo and I asked her again if she was open to 50/50 - she said she was not. She was a stay at home mom for a while and then worked part time for years. I on the other hand moved up the corporate ladder and traveled quite a bit so she spent more time with the kids. 2 yrs ago I changed jobs and took a huge pay cut so that I did not travel and would spend more time with the kids. I have always wanted to be the best dad. I was always good - now I really am great (at least I think so).

Yes I try to be a rock for the kids. I can tell that this is really starting to affect them. My D does not know yet. She often asks me when will I sleep with mommy again. It breaks my heart.

I understand that my W is in pain. The thougt of not having FULL CONTROL is what I believe really bothers her. For a very long time in my M I had control and now she wants it. Well she can have it...at least over herself but not over my kids. Do I believe that she will keep me from them? I'm not sure I do not think so but then again I never expected this. I want to coparent I do. I just cannot do it with a handshake that says trust me. Our lives will change we will both grow we will probably find love again. When and if that happens I want my kids in my life. My D is 9 I want at least half of the time with her forever.

Mila - thank you. I am sorry I made you cry. You are going thru a lot - I'm sendig (((hugs))) your way.

Thank you all

I'm now going to jump in the water (beach) with my babies. Check out the alt for new pics.