I asked him, "Does it make you feel good about yourself when someone flirts with you?"
He responded, "Yes."
I asked, "Do I need to be scared when someone flirts with you?"
He responded, "No."
That's pretty much how things sit with me as well. If some friend of mine flirts with me, it puts me in a good mood and builds up my PMA. And there's no way I'm going to act on it as my heart belongs to my husband. So, it's just another way for his PMA to be improved.
My friend found this on Opera's site:
Every time you lose control to anger, fear, jealousy and rage, you allow those feelings to have power over you. When you allow yourself to feel those emotions, instead of just "acting out," you can start to recreate authentic power.
Creating Authentic Power
Step One: Whenever you are feeling a painful feeling, stop and become aware of what you are feeling.
Step Two: Remind yourself that the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing are coming from a part of you that's frightened by the thought that you're not good enough.
Step Three: Ask yourself: "Do I want my decisions to be made by a part of me that is frightened?"
Step Four: Ask yourself: "What would I do in this situation if I were compassionate and wise?"
There is learning potential in every decision you make, as well as consequences. You must accept the responsibility for every one of your decisions.
I know in this case, for me...if I'm being compassionate and wise, I'll be happy that he's happy...and not feel that his being told he's sexy is a threat to me. Cause he is sexy...and if other women can't see it they are blind!
Anyway, if you figure out how to banish the jealousy monster, tell me!!
I also fall into this problem. For me the "why" and "how to do differently" are related to one another.
I tend to sabatog during the good because I am still dealing with left over pain. That is my way to bring H back down and "pay" so to speak for some previous hurt.
My way to help myself not do that is to really get to the letting go of the pain.
It sounds like you have made some really good positives!
And no, you don't sound rediculous. Each of our issues are just as important to us and the someone elses are to them.
We are all in this together and seems like sooner or later each of us find ourselves dealing with simular issues.
I agree that the jealous/insecure feelings can really take control and take you away from the joy in your life. They are hard to control, but it sound as if you are making progress.
It seems that you do have quite a few positives here.
Thank you PIB for the Oprah post above. It is great!
Take care, Karen. Keep up the good work. Have a good week!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I have to stick to focusing on the positives. I am this great sponge and I was reading other people's threads and started comparing and judging h, etc. Not good.
Ya' know, as I was talking to H it was going over and over in my head, "this is not good. this is not db'ing. this is not going to get me closer to my goal. etc."
that stuff from Opera's (tee hee) site sounds good. I will print it out and stick it somewhere where I will remember to do it.
++ H may even put some of my credit card debt onto his since his % is so much less than mine. **commitment
H & I recovered well from "discussion". It was much shorter, I did not grovel, I did not beat myself up (outwardly), I got back on track, h did not resent me or close up, and he even started a pillow fight in bed which led to . I'll take the pillow beatings!
h is reserving this weekend for me. We even talked about trying out a new bar.
__ I know that h wants things to go well, and we def. have great potential, but as he says, "it's on k's shoulders."
Hi, It's me again! I'm feeling better. Guess what??? There are SBT's in my area!!! I will call about them tomorrow!! I thought I did a search before on the internet and couldn't find any, but today I did and badda-bing, there they were in like the next town over!!!
Ok, so telling h i'm switching again may be trying, but i'll get to that later.
Right now I'd like to focus on something that is (too) important to me. ML. I'll try not to get too personal, but if you don't wanna read it, then don't! k? k.
Anyhow, Prob. with ML has been that h feels turned off by my emo's, being controlling, manipulative, not accepting him (I'm adding that-the others he has said), pressuring, etc. He feels that the "cake" of the r must come first, then the icing comes after. (sensitive, no? ) But, I want to skip the cake and eat all of the icing and hope that the cake will be better that way.
Since we have been getting along better, our sex life is better. He is initiating a lot more, and he seems interested a lot more. Sometimes I thought it was a chore for him by the look on his face. (Who doesn't want to feel ?)
So, I want to flirt and be verbal, however, I don't think h likes it b/c he ends up feeling pressured/put on the spot.
Oh, I've also wanted to plan for it to happen, and says that it is a given that it will happen (eventually if it has been a few days) and that it is better when it comes naturally. I'm learning that this does make it better. When I am in my dependent/needy/wanting to cling/wanting reassurance mode I end up feeling icky after b/c i am not doing it for the right reasons. (what can we call this mode? low mode? needy mode?) So, I'm SURE that he picks up on these vibes as well, and ends up feeling used. (he has said this too.)
So, a couple months ago, I was doing a 180 of backing off, not initiating, and not talking about it/asking for it, etc. just waiting for it to happen. I do ok, until several days go by. But initially he initiated a lot. (is that redundant? ) That was the week that he spent all that time away from me. So, whilst I didn't like the time away, he missed me and appreciated me, right??? Now that we are getting along better, he wants to spend more time with me.
But, I feel like I'm slipping into that needy mode again. I try to innocently flirt, but it comes off wrong, or he takes it wrong. ...it backfires... I want him to flirt, but like everything else I have asked/pressured him to do, he needs to do when HE wants to, not just exactly WHEN i want him to.
when we are doing better, flirting goes better. It's all dependent on my mode! Oh, and wearing sexy underwear is NOT an issue. It would be a 180 for me not to...maybe I should wear grandma underwear???
so...I want to make a list of do's and dont's and you can add to them if you wish for assistance.
DO/what works: back off, let him initiate, let it be natural, be subtle-test for flirting, accept him, love him unconditionally, be confident, be happy, (or act) think I'm HOT in my head repeatedy, trust him, allow him all the freedom that he wants to go out with his friends, make plans for myself, initiate w/e eve. w/o him before he does, be mysterious, be his FRIEND...oh, and oc, allow him to have itchy butt ...(copywrited by Sage)
Don't/what doesn't work: try to plan it, act needy, do it for reassurance, use him, put him on the spot (he's shy too ya' know), control him or the sitch., be clingy, cry, get emo, talk r, get jealous, get insecure, talk with that (undermining/mistrustful) tone, judge him, be crabby/hostile...
ok, i now have a plan. i must stick to it. i'll have to talk about my sabotaging soon too. karen
) 
) But, I want to skip the cake and eat all of the icing and hope that the cake will be better that way. 
(Who doesn't want to feel 
?) 