And you know, I think I've had a creeping feeling for awhile at the end of our marraige, that something wasn't right, we were slipping away, and I remember feeling sad and not knowing why.
Geronimo, I can remember a few years before our marriage ended having that feeling too. I was buying her a stuffed bear for Christmas and as I was walking to my car I suddenly had this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. At the same time I had the thought "my wife doesn't love me". It was a horrible feeling and this was a few years before she came clean. I knew it then but wanted to fight for my marriage and my family, which meant almost everything to me. When she did tell me she didn't love me anymore (ILYBINILWY)I remember replying "I'm not leaving, I'm going to stay and fight for my marriage and my family" Yes, so heroic (and that's when I bought Michelle's book) but sometimes I do wonder whether I did myself more damage than good by staying for three more years and "fighting". I was emotionally alone and abused for years staying with her and that takes a toll. But I did what I thought was right and I guess that counts for something, doesn't it.
Yeah I get that feeling all the time as well. Wanting to call her and tell her to stop this insanity. But I have been divorced and on my own now since Feb. Your heart tends to take its time playing catch up with reality.
And like you and whatisis, I also have a nagging feeling before the bomb that something wasnt quite right. She stopped saying ILY and had no emotions when our only Son left the house to be on his own. I did act on these signs and tried to talk to her about it but she acted as if nothing were wrong.
Little did I know that even back then she was telling another man "I love you so much!" over the internet and the phone while she was married to me. And I had no clue this was going on behind my back until two months after the divorce was final.
It still sickens me to think about it. As has been repeated here a million times. The best thing to do is detach. It's the getting there that is hard. Especially after loving her for 20+ years. You can't just turn that off.
I hope peace finally comes to us all. Most of us are emotionally drained and exhausted. Beaten to death by our own love. I put on a good act at work and in public but even now my heart feels like it has been scrambled like an egg and set on fire. Just take care of yourself G. Time is on our side.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
For some reason, this has been a hard day. Have to expect them.
It's funny, I've had the both the impulses today to call XW with tender and with angry intentions.
God. And you know, the thing about having snooped, is I know the things she said. Things that I have to remind myself about, becuase it just seems like it had to be someone else, that it doesn't fit into my reality.
There was a point, late in the process, where we were trying to get through the mediation and have enough trust work together, that she said to me "I know your heart, just like you know mine"
And I think about that, and think - Yeah, I know your heart, I've seen your email. It's black and hateful.
Yeah, I spent a couple of hours today distracted, anxious, and feeling like I was going to start shaking. It passed, but these are the old symptoms that I thought I had gotten past. I don't know if it's the anniversery, or the fact that the kids or gone this week, or just plain old obsessive thinking.
Anyway, went out last night and played guitar with some friends, and have band practice tonight, but I'm back in the mode where I'm making myself do it vs. looking forward to it. But I will make myself do it. Actually did have fun last night, so that's good (although I could use more sleep).
Anyway. Enough of the self-pity. Time is on my side, fair enough. I have up days too, so maybe one is coming soon. Probably after I get through Saturday.
I don't know if it's the anniversery, or the fact that the kids or gone this week, or just plain old obsessive thinking.
It's probably all three! It's great that you keep yourself doing things even though you don't feel like it. I've always prided myself in keeping going when I didn't feel like going. I think I'm more afraid of what will happen if I stop going than in handling the discomfort of going, if that makes sense. Hey, from one obsesser (is there such a word?)to another, don't you just love when people tell you "just don't think about it". Sure, no problem!!! Just an afterthought, have you ever heard of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? I'm reading about it, it talks about accepting and appreciating your anxiety rather than trying to push it away. Interesting idea. I think the concept is not to take your thoughts that seriously, they're just thoughts and we do love our thoughts...over and over and over again!
Ok, so I just made it through your entire thread (well, it took me 2 days)- and it looks like that's only the tip of the iceberg- but it's enough for now. I just wanted to know you a little better aside from our other chats .
It gives me both hope and trepidation to see the road ahead and what it looks like. I never thought- ever- that things would be easier after papers are signed, and your chronicles are really real, very honest and probably really representative of what we'll all go through. It's sad and scary, but I see some hope there. I just wish I could post here dammit!!
Anyway, just dropping in to let you know I feel like I "know" you a bit better now. I know tomorrow won't be easy- do you have plans lined up so you're not at home ruminating??
(((G)))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
And you know, I think I've had a creeping feeling for awhile at the end of our marraige, that something wasn't right, we were slipping away, and I remember feeling sad and not knowing why.
Geronimo, I can remember a few years before our marriage ended having that feeling too. I was buying her a stuffed bear for Christmas and as I was walking to my car I suddenly had this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. At the same time I had the thought "my wife doesn't love me". It was a horrible feeling and this was a few years before she came clean. I knew it then but wanted to fight for my marriage and my family, which meant almost everything to me. When she did tell me she didn't love me anymore (ILYBINILWY)I remember replying "I'm not leaving, I'm going to stay and fight for my marriage and my family" Yes, so heroic (and that's when I bought Michelle's book) but sometimes I do wonder whether I did myself more damage than good by staying for three more years and "fighting". I was emotionally alone and abused for years staying with her and that takes a toll. But I did what I thought was right and I guess that counts for something, doesn't it.
Its alot of damage that can be done, and the emotional isolation can be dangerous for us. Looking back, what more could you have done? I think we satisfy ourself in that its over. I'm finally to that point where In letting go, I know there is nothing more that I could do, and I'm not leaving my kids. I was put out, and given no other option. Why should I be angry with myself for a decision she made? Its the same for many of us. DB'ing does give people a chance where things seem futile, and allows for you to build or regain confidence in the face of imminent doom. Plus without this information, I would have been driving myself crazy, trying to rationalize things she was doing and saying that really don't make any sense ( the ways of a wayward ). "Disposible dads?". Not my fault, I did what I could outside of holding her hostage. I still love my kids and know that a fatherless household is not ideal, but I was not given any choice in the matter.
Just adding some of my sitch which I am very sure is similar to yours.
For some reason, this has been a hard day. Have to expect them.
It's funny, I've had the both the impulses today to call XW with tender and with angry intentions.
God. And you know, the thing about having snooped, is I know the things she said. Things that I have to remind myself about, becuase it just seems like it had to be someone else, that it doesn't fit into my reality.
There was a point, late in the process, where we were trying to get through the mediation and have enough trust work together, that she said to me "I know your heart, just like you know mine"
And I think about that, and think - Yeah, I know your heart, I've seen your email. It's black and hateful.
Yeah, I spent a couple of hours today distracted, anxious, and feeling like I was going to start shaking. It passed, but these are the old symptoms that I thought I had gotten past. I don't know if it's the anniversery, or the fact that the kids or gone this week, or just plain old obsessive thinking.
Anyway, went out last night and played guitar with some friends, and have band practice tonight, but I'm back in the mode where I'm making myself do it vs. looking forward to it. But I will make myself do it. Actually did have fun last night, so that's good (although I could use more sleep).
Anyway. Enough of the self-pity. Time is on my side, fair enough. I have up days too, so maybe one is coming soon. Probably after I get through Saturday.
Hey Geronimo, I thought you "were done"? Its kinda scarey knowing that we can be done, and have a flashback which makes it hard to concentrate or hard to sleep, or makes you angry all over again. Build up time taking care of yourself and over time the storm you came out of will be a small blip in the past.
Just an afterthought, have you ever heard of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? I'm reading about it, it talks about accepting and appreciating your anxiety rather than trying to push it away. Interesting idea. I think the concept is not to take your thoughts that seriously, they're just thoughts and we do love our thoughts...over and over and over again!
I haven't, but I think I've heard the concept. Sounds familiar, maybe from therapy sessions that stemmed from the first "D event". But yeah, I think that's a good way to look at it...
Originally Posted By: alice444
Ok, so I just made it through your entire thread (well, it took me 2 days)- and it looks like that's only the tip of the iceberg- but it's enough for now.
Now that you've done that, let me re-iterate... I'm not crazy. It's funny how we dump out the inside of our heads on this board, just put it out there, things that we would actually not say to anyone.
Originally Posted By: alice444
Anyway, just dropping in to let you know I feel like I "know" you a bit better now.
Thank you Alice, for taking the time.
Originally Posted By: alice444
It gives me both hope and trepidation to see the road ahead and what it looks like. I never thought- ever- that things would be easier after papers are signed, and your chronicles are really real, very honest and probably really representative of what we'll all go through. It's sad and scary, but I see some hope there. I just wish I could post here dammit!!
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Its alot of damage that can be done, and the emotional isolation can be dangerous for us. Looking back, what more could you have done? I think we satisfy ourself in that its over. I'm finally to that point where In letting go, I know there is nothing more that I could do, and I'm not leaving my kids. I was put out, and given no other option. Why should I be angry with myself for a decision she made? Its the same for many of us. DB'ing does give people a chance where things seem futile, and allows for you to build or regain confidence in the face of imminent doom. Plus without this information, I would have been driving myself crazy, trying to rationalize things she was doing and saying that really don't make any sense ( the ways of a wayward ). "Disposible dads?". Not my fault, I did what I could outside of holding her hostage. I still love my kids and know that a fatherless household is not ideal, but I was not given any choice in the matter.
You know, not sure we'll ever make sense of it all. DBing does help carry us through I think whatever the result, and I think there is hope in being better for it.
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Hey Geronimo, I thought you "were done"? Its kinda scarey knowing that we can be done, and have a flashback which makes it hard to concentrate or hard to sleep, or makes you angry all over again. Build up time taking care of yourself and over time the storm you came out of will be a small blip in the past.
I had the metaphor in my mind that it's kind of like learning to drive a manual transmission. You know, you're in the wrong gear, you're revving the engine too high, and at SOME point you learn to push in that clutch and change gears. That's learning the skills to cope. The trick is now - recognizing when it's time to SHIFT, and then being able to find the gear. You know, I think I know HOW to lift myself up now - I'm just having trouble shifting - getting my head right - gracefully.
Anyway, there's done, and then there's done. When the party's over you still need to clean up.
Well, I'm in a good mood now because I'm going out tonight and I'm excited about it. So anxiety, funk, and self-pity be damned. Just wish I'd slept better this week.
Geronimo, glad to see you're getting yourself out of the house, I think it's so important to do this. I need to do it more myself but you know it's always easy to give advice than to act on it yourself! lol
As for making a deal about not wondering so much? negative. I'm a glutton for punishment. Besides my mind never shuts up...even when I'm speaking in front of a room full of strangers my mind wanders back and forth about this stuff like a drunk.
DLS, it takes years to be really done done. Until then you go through phases where you process the current thoughts and feelings and think you're done, then go through the next phase where you're OK, then the next phase where you need to process more of this crap and feel done again...and the cycle repeats until everything is processed and pastuerized- and there's nothing else left.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Why should we be done though? Why could not our spouses come back home and put the blame for the failure on themself, show true remorse and make good on what they made bad?
