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Hi Eric,

The meeting with your W will be though, but I see that you have been doing lots of "prep" work and I'm sure you'll do just fine

You are questioning if to stay or move out? I'm assuming that she wants to stay. You said that you get along as "roommates" and it probably takes lots of effort on your part to keep it smooth.

Is she being "civil" because she thinks that you'll be moving out? Will that change if you don't?

I don't know what I would do, I wasn't given a choice...he wanted to leave. Would I be able to have him in the house knowing that the affair continues? Must be very difficult for you.

Sorry maybe I missed it in your tread but how serious is this R with OM? Did she ever threaten to leave or talked about moving in with OP?

I think that the meeting with her will give you some answers...no need to rush on the moving out issue

About the anger...It's strange, I didn't think I was angry anymore until about 2 weeks ago. Then it reared up it's ugly head again and it colors the way I talk to H lately.

I wonder if it comes in stages....but as you said it's part of the healing process...to have some anger may help with detachment.

Eric, you are doing amazingly well, don't beat your self up about the past....it takes two to tango....if there were problems in your R previously I'm sure that they weren't only yours. Maybe your marriage needed a shake-up....but it certainly didn't need to happen the way she chose.

Keep up the good work

Hey Eric, how you doin? Just a little Brooklyn humor, LOL!

Anyway, when making decisions I find it best, when you can, to let it unfold. Sometimes just waiting and watching give you the answers you need.

When you speak with your wife, treat her as you would an aquaintance - be pleasant, respectful, kind.

Of course you are angry. Your world has been turned upside down. And you should feel it and then try your best to let it wash over you and move forward. The anger is part of the stages of grief. And much like the stage of MLC, they overlap

You cant rush this stage. And while it rears its head when you least expect it, I promise you, it will begin to abate. Use it to propel you forward.

You are doing great. Try not to overanalyze stuff. Be the person you are working towards being everyday. Continue to work on you, find things you love and you will one day find that you are no longer angry, you are instead happy with yourself and your life.

Keep on keepin on.

Mila

IMO - she would not give a sh*t if I left. I have come to accept that this is about her - in her mind. She has never had anything thaqt she could call her own, although everything I own is "ours" she does not see it this way. She is on a journey to find herself. I was not the greatest H. This is not guilt - it is the truth. I actually feel for her. I have come to understand my role in this. - can only work on myself and be the best I casn be.

In terms of OM - there have been two. The first was an EA the second appears to be a PA and is one of her supervisors. Is it still going on? Honestly I do not know. It is really none of my business at this point. The OM is a symptom not the problem. One must come to realize this. My W is trying to find her Adult self after being a stay at home mom. Do I agree with her actions? No.

I will be fine Mila. I will always love her more than she knows. I do not control her and have accepted that in the process of finding herself that I will be hurt. It is why WE MUST let go. She appears to have no true feeling torwards me and probably will not while OM is in the picture.

Mila - we must let go. We must move forward and we determine when that happens.


Thank you for your post.

Brooklyn - thank you for your post. I really appreciate it.

How did your day go, E?

I'm hoping you enjoyed yourself and got some quiet *Eric* time in. You deserve a break.

There is one thing that has stuck with me about your W, something you wrote about her trying to find herself. To find what's really hers because up until now she's felt that nothing has truly been hers (and I do understand that, I do).

In trying to find herself & something that she can call her own, she's losing out on the few things that will ever truly be hers...her husband, and her children. HER family. I don't think she's thought of that quite yet. And excuse me if I'm a little late with stating the obvious (that's me, Captain Obvious lol).

Even if this goes all the way to signing, I think this is far from over. It might take awhile, like you said, and you may have already moved on--but I don't know man...


Still, I think you are doing a great job on letting go & GAL. You have handled these latest developments better than I could have.

Stay strong.

All

Just wanted to let everyone know that tomorrow is my 17th aniversary. I feel okay outside of the fact that W refuses to give me the kids 50% of the time.

I have been asking for this since the begining...Since Oct of 2009, I was told I am thinking about it. I recently asked again and was finally told NO.

At the request of my MIL and friends I decided to ask her why she felt this way. I was told "I am there mother and they should be with me". My heart broke again.

I am trying to understand that she is scared. I am trying to understand that she does not want to abandon our children. It is hard.

I now have no choice but to fight for them. I really wish it did not have to come to this. I understand that she has issues with me. I do - I get it. Why though put the children throught this. Why?

My faith in God is not so strong right now. I know I will make it - that I know. I know that I continue to change. I know that I continue to work on being the man that I want to be. I also know that I continue to make mistakes and that the changes that I seek will take time. What I don't know is if I will have my kids 1/2 the time and this is killing me. I wonder what is God trying to show me in this. What is it?

Do I feel defeated? No. Do I hurt - yes!

W said that I can have them as often as I like...well then why not give me them 1/2 the time. When I had the chance to aggresively pursue this - I did not. I decided to take the high road. I did prepare myself for the battle, this I will admit.

This whole sitch stinks.

I have to the conclusion that for W this is about control. My kids are all that I have. I cannot take the risk of her moving farther or out of state. A simple "trust me" will not suffice. Do I think i will get them as often as I want. Yeah maybe.

I need to be strong...I need to be strong.

Eric

Sorry I need to keep venting....

Women who are poster...please help me to understand why a man cannot be a "mr. Mom".. Why a man cannot be a intregal part of his kids. Why a women who I understand needs to move (I do understand)...why...why.

For those of you who may not know....when I was born my father left 20 bucks on the table and walked away. To this day I do not know who the man is. I vowed never to do this to my kids. Did I work a lot - yep. Was I a little selfish - yep.

Did I try and give my kids everything - YES. Should I have spent more time with them. Yes.

I am sorry to hear about the crap you are going through Eric.

For one parent to feel they should have the kids most of the time when both are fully capable of taking care of the kids half the time is selfish, unfair and cruel.

My situation is proof that divorced parents can equally share in raising their kids. I know that yours is the same way.

Hi Eric,
It sounds like you are a committed Dad. I do know that Dad's are as important as moms in their kid's lives. Have you talked to a DB coach yet? They are experts in helping you come up with plan on how to best approach your wife, so that it is more likely she will be willing to work with you on this and other issues that could be standing in the way of you having the relationship you want with your kids and her!
I wish you all the best.

Hi Eric,
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this circumstance. You truly sound like a great guy who is committed to changing your life. I just can't understand why the other half's can not see and appreciate the efforts we are making - so much blindness!

In the meantime - my question to you is have you guys considered engaging a mediator? I'm just thinking that might be less adversarial but still proactive on your part.

Just my two cents!

A

((((eric))))

PEI