Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. This is a fascinating aspect of the professional victim: They defend those who harm, exploit and bully them and vilify and lash out at those who want to help and care for them. She may fondly describe a relative or ex-boyfriend who sounds like a real S.O.B. and follow it up with, “but he’s such a good person.” Meanwhile, you bend over backward to tiptoe around her extreme sensitivities and she accuses you of “beating her down” and “not being supportive.” Huh?
Wow - does this strike home!
Last edited by Thinker; 05/07/1003:38 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, I've wondered about my STBXW. All of her previous relationships ended as soon as they hit the sheets. I'm the only one who ever put the time in to get past her wall.
She's always admired her mom because she was the rock of the family while her dad worked two jobs but never brought any money home because he always stopped at the bar first.
So she grew up watching her mom play the martyr -- and she played it to the hilt.
Our M was reversed. I increasingly did the cooking, cleaning, running kids around so STBXW could work more and more.
I thought I was helping, but it isn't what she grew up watching.
I'm wondering as the years go on if she will be -- maybe not happier -- but more comfortable being the put-upon mom. Cooking, cleaning, handling the bills all on her own.
In a way it's going to be fascinating to watch. Of course, I'll have to lead by example with D7 and D11 to show them that's now how you "have to" live. That's her choice. It doesn't have to be theirs.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I keep hearing two statstically based recommendations:
1) You should wait at least a year after a d before getting involved in a new R.
2) It takes 3-5 years after the end of a significant R before you can comfortably exist in a new one without the old one impinging.
Any comments?
From what point do the stats measure these things? From the bomb? From the point where the LBS gives up? From the final divorce decree?
I am not really sure when the stats start measuring things but I do have to say even though I went through a lot prior to the divorce(2years of cr@p) I still wasn't ready to be wiith anyone else. I thought I was but looking back...I wasn't. I suggest you get really comfortable with yourself again.
The "guidelines I heard was 1 month for every year of marriage. That just about fit my timeline. However I believe everyone is different. Don't be in a rush. So I am currently 21 months post divorce and only really started getting out about a month and a half ago. We were married 19 years. Oh and having primary custody of 4 kids doesn' make that any easier.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I keep hearing two statstically based recommendations: 1) You should wait at least a year after a d before getting involved in a new R. 2) It takes 3-5 years after the end of a significant R before you can comfortably exist in a new one without the old one impinging. Any comments? From what point do the stats measure these things? From the bomb? From the point where the LBS gives up? From the final divorce decree?
I'm all about 1) wait a year. I am not relationship-ready (sometimes wonder if I'm casual-dating ready!) One year alone. Just me. Rediscovering me and healing me. I gave your second point some real thought a while back: The Bomb? When she left? When she said she wanted a D? I'm going with the D date (2/09), but I'll remain open to serendipitous possibilities. Like I've said many times, I'm not gonna go looking. Just gonna live my life and see who shows up.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I've read this and thought about it and my feeling is why close any door? I mean if I'm out tomorrow and someone beautiful catches my eye and we somehow hit it off, I think it'd be silly to say to myself "hey, it hasn't been enough time yet."
That being said, the first few months we were separated I was DESPERATE to find someone and I'm guessing women can sense that.
A friend said as soon as she stopped looking for someone, he usually shows up.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
CTH I have been told that very same thing many times.
Love will find you when you stop looking and slap you upside the head when you least expect it LOL.
I can relate to being desperate myself. Been looking for a replacement for something that is almost impossible to replace. Feels like I am trying to put some square blocks into a round hole at times.
Wait a year? Pffft! One year brings me one notch closer to being half a century old. I aint getting any younger or better looking LOL. So I can relate to you being desperate.
You made a good point about women sensing us being desperate. Never really thought about it. Any women here that can comment on this? Would like to hear your input. Are us recently divorced guys really that transparent?
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
As a rule of thumb, I instinctively disregard all rules of thumb.
1 month to a year -- c'mon, what's the rationale for that, apart from the fact that it makes division easy?
Just be honest with yourself. If you're into the lady, for who and what she is (as apart from being into her for who and what she isn't), then forward, onward, upward. If you're just out to do the Wild Thang, and she's okay with that, then buy the ticket and take the ride.
But to set some kind of arbitrary functional relation, be getting to know someone and liking the getting-to-know, and then go, "Whoa! Now, I was married 18 years, and it's only been 17 months. Call me the Hi-Dee-Ho Man, but I'd better put the brakes on," just flies in the face of all human reality.
