Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives The journey begins

Only a few days of school left. I was driving D11 to school and she dropped a few interesting tidbits. Apparently, D7 had a huge ADHD meltdown at the MIL's campground. Full on episode -- kicking, screaming, name calling, she had to be dragged to the car and strapped in.

I sighed and said D7 can be a handful and sometimes I can't understand why STBXW wants to handle it alone.

D11 said "someday she'll find a guy to help. He won't be the right guy. You were the right guy. She just didn't know it."

Poor D11. This is the hardest on her.

D11 also was upset she missed the annual community festival that takes place over Memorial Day. STBXW gave her some mealy mouthed excuse why they weren't going. I'm guessing she just didn't want to spend the money.

But STBXW apparently was upset with me that I was in town. I'd originally switched weekends so I could work a running race and on Friday we found out we weren't needed. So I was left with little to do and ended up filling it up with softball and a couple other things.

Anyway, D11 said something about the festival and apparently STBXW said "evidently your father was in town so you could have gone to stay with him."

Another sigh. I thought about calling Friday and saying my weekend gig had been canceled, but I didn't want to have to refigure everything for the next month.

I told D11 that I didn't learn until Friday I wouldn't be working and next year I'm not going to count on that race.

My thought is to take them to another community festival about 30 minutes from here that is bigger and better -- but probably more expensive -- on Saturday.

Another funny thing. STBXW texted me last night asking if I could pick up D11 at 7:30 a.m. so she could get to work at 7:50 a.m.

According to my cell phone, I pulled up at 7:30 a.m. Her watch said it was 7:33 a.m. and she told D11 I was three minutes late.

This from a person who, when we split the days off when one of the kids are sick, has never -- not once actually come home at the time she said she would. She averages 30 minutes late.

Third sigh.

They're in their own la la land...everything we do gets analyzed under the microscope and yet they're the ones that are selfish and untrustworthy.

You're doing great and how awesome it must feel to hear D11 say you were the right guy!! My D5.5 sometimes says 'you're the best daddy' and I feel like after hearing that I don't need to know anything else from anyone else - nothing else matters. Unfortunately sometimes when I'm being a bit strict with her about stuff she starts crying saying she wants mommy and that's always the hardest part to deal with but I manage to calm her down with lots of hugs and kisses and make her understand what I meant and why.

From day one STBXW has been uncomfortable with my devotion to the kids. Again, we're battling "family of origin" issues.

Her dad was a nice and funny guy. He also had a drinking and gambling problem and he and the MIL were never happy together.

So he'd work two to three jobs (one being as a cop), but then head to the bar before coming home. So the money never made it home.

So the MIL was always griping about a lack of money and he wasn't around his daughters much growing up.

My dad. I can't remember him EVER turning me down when I asked to play catch with him. He even had a field in back of the company he ran plowed so he could put a competition ready diamond on it for my teams to practice on whenever they wanted.

He was devoted in every way until my parents divorced and then, gradually, he drifted away as I grew up -- he had his own drinking and anger issues as well -- and started hanging out with my friends more and my mom made it more difficult to see him.

So when I adjust my schedule to make something happen for the girls, she thinks it's weird while I think it's normal.

The better father I am I think the worse it gets between me and STBXW. She feels like I'm competing with her. I'm not. I'm trying to fulfill a role.

They believe it's unnatural for a father to want to be a full-time parent even when they've had their parenting time pared back to no more than 50%. We men are "supposed" to abandon our children after D and go find our own "happiness". That's the way modern society expects us to behave.

When we refuse to follow the "game plan", to buck the established order, it tends to make them quite uncomfortable and angry.

Tough cookies, says I.

I am glad you are so devoted. I wish my H would follow that mold, but after 1 year and 2 months of being gone, he hasn't contacted me in 3 days to check on S, and as you know since you keep up with my sitch, he hasn't seen S alone in over a year. So sad because he needs a dad.

It is good to see there are many dads out there who are devoted to their families and want to be a part of their kids' lives even if that makes them uncomfortable at times.

Good Job all you guys!

Yes. Awest. I've been amazed and saddened by what's happening between your son and H. One thing I know is your S will need to have a positive role model. I hope your H grows up. If not, I hope you find a role model for him.

CTH,You're a damn good Dad. That's all that matters. And while you have wonderful, perceptive insights into her - and your - FOO issues, ignore her. Don't take the bait. She's broken somewhere you can neither fix nor reason with.

Her problem. Don't take it on. Or even acknowledge it.
imo.

Trying day yesterday. D7 was in one of her moods and the afterschool sitter couldn't get her calmed down. I can't have her screaming in the apartment so I had to head home for a bit.

When I went home for good I discovered in a fit she'd torn up one of D11's art projects.

So I told D7 a verbal apology wasn't enough. She had to write an apology. Part of that was to get D7 to practice her writing. It's awful. It's the No. 1 thing she needs to work on.

Just getting her to write eight words took an hour. I had to stand my ground, not get mad and insist that she write the apology.

D11 was upstairs and told me she didn't need a written apology but by then it was a battle of wills.

Eventually, D7 wrote the apology -- and I told her her writing improved.

A long, long day.

At the end of the night, a man from my church's Marriage Rebuilders program called. I've gone through the program twice and applied to be a table leader.

He said since my divorce isn't final I can't be a table leader, but he hopes I'll do the program again. I told him I would in the fall.

I had an interview last week for it and we prayed to save the M -- they said I needed to be more specific in my prayers. He asked if that helped and I told him that actually we had a big blowup that night and the next morning over getting D11 to school. So no, things haven't gotten better.

In fact, it's been a while (May 10) since anything has come from STBXW's lawyer. I did have to deal with car insurance this week. STBXW finally got around to separating the insurance bills -- we're still on a co-policy but now I have to pay for mine and she pays for hers. My bill was going to be $73 a month, but I called and made some changes and got it down to less than $50 a month.

Weird feeling today. D11 had a really bad day and I think that has me down a bit. I told her and D7 that to me summer starts tomorrow night and we'll start making plans.

Still. Have an anxious, apprehensive feeling. Could it be BECAUSE I haven't seen anything on the D lately. I guess I've been worrying that STBXW will go back on what we've discussed and start from scratch.

I'm going to take a walk and then tackle a project. I'd like to go spend money -- hit a book store, buy a drink, anything, but it's not in my budget.

It can certainly be a real challenge. Not only do you have to go through the D stuff but carry on with life and all those family challenges. Hang in there!