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Whatever she does, keep in mind your goal - having her come back to you 100%. When she does head in that direction (not when she has arrived), you can begin dealing with your issues in small steps.

Forgive. She's giving the plural "you" a chance. If the MC becomes an attack on you, sit back at let it fly from her, but keep that goal in mind. Respond with questions to the MC instead of comments at your wife.

My wife never bonded with our MC because she was in her self-defense shell the whole time. If the environement feels toxic, she'll never be willing to address issues like the superintedant.

You're right, OTMT, I won't and can't accept anything less.



I am 100% willing to forgive- if she would only ask and be truly sorry. She isn't right now. Maybe that's something we can work through in MC.

I can't wait to get started. If she is going for the right reasons, it can only help. If not, I am ready for her to go. I will fight for her to the very end, but I can't do it all by myself. This is no way to live.

Luck is where skill meets opportunity. Make your own luck.




That's not how forgiveness works, you forgive for yourself. Do your homework here. Putting conditions on things means you have expectations that are unwritten. Use MC to express how you truly feel to your wife. You can handle it.

Coach, I know what you mean. I have to forgive for myself and for me to be able to heal. I guess I'm still looking for that little bit of regret from her. Isn't going to happen right now. Maybe her agreeing to go is a sign.

I hope we can both use MC to express how we both feel. It goes both ways, I know that. We need help, right now, to express it to each other.

Thanks, once again, for reminding me to keep my eye on the big picture.

IDU,

Keep the positive attitude.

Don't expect any regret from her at the moment.

No expectations at the moment. The MC should be about moving forward.

Keep healing your mind, heart, and soul.

IDU, just catching up on your thread. I am so glad to read that you'll be going to MC. It's no quick fix but I hope that it will give you both clarity about yourselves and your M.H and I were in MC Dec 2008-May 2009. At the time, I didn't realize that H was just there to save face, because he was saying all the right things "I want to make this M work" etc. But it became rapidly obvious that his actions didn't match his words...the C didn't challenge him on just being there to save face, but she put the onus on him to make changes to make our M work. She said I was doing the work, making myself vulnerable, communicating, etc. Eventually we got to the point that she said that we were at an "impasse" because H wasn't taking the necessary steps. Then we stopped going. I thought we were taking a break, but I guess at that point H was totally done.

I think that some people can pull the wool over a C's eyes, and I think that Cs can be biased towards one spouse too, and take sides (which is bad for the process if if the C sides with you). Keep your eyes open and pull the plug on MC if you don't trust the process. Unfortunately, I think that effective MC is less common than it should be. It's great that your MC is pro-M at least...that's a good start.

Hang in there IDU (((hugs))). You're doing great.

FM, it is always good to hear from you!!

To be honest, this is what I find myself thinking:


I know it's mind reading and I must stop. I try not to think about it, and the closer it gets to Thurs., the calmer I become. I know it took some courage for her to agree to go after all this time. And, it came after I took Coach, Puppy, etc., advice on telling her I won't live in an open marriage...speech. It is a step in the right direction. Now, I must go with an open mind and put to use what I have learned here and in the other material I have read.

BTW, I have followed your thread and am sorry for the turn your sitch seems to be taking. There is nothing I can add to the great advice that you are getting. I do think of you and continue to pray for you and your kids. As I've said before, your strength and courage comes across loud and clear. You will be just fine, great even! (((FM)))

Thanks for filling me in on the MC process. The insight is very usefull. Hopefully, it will help. I know it can't hurt.

Remember...look forward, not back. The past can't be undone, but the present always looks ugly when our glasses are made of the past. When the past makes the future, it looks that much more ugly.

Let the anger go.

IF she truly wants to give the M a chance, it won't last long if all she sees is bitterness and a lack of forgivness. IF things work out, she will apologize in time. She will.

IF she's saving face, only God will truly know. But, even still, the efforts to save face may lead to honest work on the marriage. Maybe something will come out that flips her views.

Have you watched the videos from DB on youtube. Along with Retrouvaille, I found them helpful in 'convincing' me that I need to build a NEW marriage with my wife that is not controlled buy judgments from past meanness (etc) of my wife.

I am VERY excited for you IDL. In one day, you may have a terrible or wonderful experience. But...it is moving forward.

Pray and thank God alone for the chance. Sleep well. Expect no miracles but have the smile that said you are about to get one. Your children will be very proud of your efforts years from now.

I know forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I guess I'm kinda stuck and wanting and willing to forgive if she admitted she wanted or needed forgiveness. That's not how it works, I know, but that's where I find myself right now. I know I still need a lot of work on myself. Hopefully I can continue the work in MC and can get on with forgiving even if she doesn't ask for it.



By God, yes, it is moving forward.



I do pray often and have thanked Him for the chance. My children are my pride and joy and I want them to be proud of me.

Believe me, as much as I think she needs help , I know I do too. Together, there is nothing we can't handle. But, we're not really together right now and I have to be more willing to do more of the heavy lifting if I want to save this. I still do want to save my M. I will be okay if she goes. It can't go on like this much longer.

Keep the positive momentum going my friend