Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Well here's mine

She said that for the first time she understands where my wife is coming from. She said we should talk more about everything in the letter and that I need to make "amends". She suggested the AA twelve steps, even though I have been sober for 4 months. The worst part about the letter is that everything she brought up in it is true. Granted there was never any infidelity, abuse or anything else like that.....really just imaturity and negligence on my part.

I want to validate her feelings but don't want to be a pushover either

HELP!

bad, bad day

I'm so sorry you've had such a bad day, Barkley. Don't let the letter discourage you and the work you are doing to try to save your marriage; instead, use it to empower you to keep becoming a better person, both for yourself and for your family. Congratulations on being sober for 4 months; that is a huge success. We've all made mistakes in our marriages that could take up several pages of a letter. The important thing is that you are aware of what areas you need to work on! Keep your chin up!

Thanks 10...it's tough as you know. some days you just feel like giving up

Hey Barkley, I know how you feel. In fact, I might very well have given up by this point if it weren't for the kids -- they're why I wake up every morning and keep doing what I need to do, no matter how little I actually feel like doing it.

In a way, it's amazing what we're capable of in (beyond) difficult circumstances. Somehow, we manage to find ways to keep moving on. Just have to keep doing that one day at a time and hope things eventually start feeling not so bad.

Thanks SilentSpring. GOD, and the kids are the only thing keeping me going right now.

This is a gift. It also means your wife is still engaged in your marriage. She wants you to "hear" and "see" her. She wants you to lead the family. Do not defend yourself this is how she feels. (unless she mind-reads, tells you what you think/believe/feel).

What did she write? How can you address her in a positive way? This is a big clue on what she needs to feel loved.

Thanks Coach....I don't want to read her letter becuase I am too embarrassed. I will read my response though. Please tell me what you think:

I have read over your letter numerous times and even though we discussed somewhat the other evening, I felt like I needed to respond in writing after getting my thoughts together. For the first time, I think I truly understand where you are coming from. I always knew that I fell short as a husband and father sometimes, but when you put it all on paper, it really hits home. Please try and remember, as ridiculous as it sounds, that the severity of the whole situation honestly took me by surprise. Until February 2010, In spite of my shortcomings I honestly thought that you were happy with your life, our marriage, and our family.

When “the “done” bomb was dropped, I looked back over the last year and thought, even though I did need to change, that it couldn’t be “all” me. In my mind you had been showing all of the classic signs of a mid-life crisis for months (going out until 2-3 in the morning once or twice a week, new boobs, excessively working out, etc.). Many of our friends noticed the changes in your behavior as well which further helped me rationalize this line of thinking. I thought that by permanently stopping my drinking and helping out more around the house that I could fix the situation. When we weren’t getting any positive results, I got frustrated and a million different things started to go through my mind. I truly started to believe that this was more a MLC than anything and that another man might even be involved. As such, if others chose to believe along the same lines, I let them run with it. Who wants to be the “bad guy” right? In any event, after hearing your letter and talking more the other night, I now realize that you were simply trying to get away from the unhappiness and pain that I had caused you over many years. I have been negligent, immature, and selfish, throughout our marriage. When we made our vows, I promised to “Love, Honor, and Cherish” you. I have always loved you, but have fallen WAY short in the honor and cherish part. I understand that you are human, and that a person can only take so much. This whole mess is a direct result of my actions over the years and I take full responsibility for them. I wish, with all of my heart and soul that I could go back in time and change them, but I can’t. At this point, all I can do is continue to maintain the changes in my behavior I have made and to move forward. I hope and pray that you can forgive me someday.

I feel like crawling in a hole and dying right now

I'm so sorry about how you're feeling right now, Barkley -- I know how bad the hurt can get. (Just crumpled up in a sobbing ball myself an hour or so ago.) It takes a lot to write such a brutally honest response ... I hope your W appreciates that.

Hoping and praying for you.