Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis And here I am .... H's MLC ....

Also, I think if you are honest, after the 1st call when you didn't hear back from your H, you were using the sitch with your son to make a point. I will tell you flat out, I did it with my D's. The "I need your help and it's about our kids!"

You need to be a big girl here and go get your own straw to suck it up. If something happens, of course call. Don't expect a response. See yourself as a single parent with a friend that's really into your kids. Would you be angry at that friend under the same circumstances? I know I wouldn't.

Just sayin'. I've been there done that and bought the frickin' tee-shirt <sigh>.

HUGS

PEI

First off cut yourself a little slack. This crap is hard. and yes...


We all do.


I agree with the others that you used the sitch with the kids to allow you insecurities to show. Maybe you did subconciously maybe not. Either way, what is done is done.

Your probably beating the shiznit out of yourself right now. Dont. Learn for it.

Why do you feel insecure. This is the question that ONLY YOU can answer. The answer is somewhere in you.

In terms of how do you detach? Slowly...in time...with mistakes...

YOu will feel like you have detached and then all of a sudden you will slip and fall back into the old patterns. You know what thought...YOu realize this which is a very good thing. You may not see it now and you probably dont feel it now...but you are growing..

Deal with the insecurity...as hard as it is stop thinking about OW.

You said that you are GAL'ing, you have said that you enjoy time with H. Enjoy what you have right now. Take the GAL activity to another level one that will really make YOU feel good. Once you feel good you may not feel as insecure.

You can do this.

God Bless,
Eric

It's the HOW I'm having trouble with. Knowing I need to do it and knowing how to do it are so far apart.


I felt S2 needed tylenol and we didn't have any. Can't leave all the kids home and go to the drugstore so I called H to see if he would pop over so I could go get the meds. The subsequent calls weren't necessary but I got on the crazy train and didn't know how to get off.


Yeah. Problem is she belongs to his 'group of friends' so realistically it's not like he'll ever have NO contact with her. Maybe I'm a fool, but I believe his intentions. At this point, I do not, however, believe he is being honest with himself about what he hopes to gain by 'being friends' with her. I think he's still pursuing (at least in his head) because she feeds his ego and meets those validation needs that weren't getting met. I guess I'm afraid that if I go dim and pull way back there won't be any chance of him realizing that those needs CAN be met at home.


Yeah, it's my issue ... but after spending time in the newcomers thread and hearing about how you NEED a transparency plan and NO contact to build trust I guess I'm not sure how to handle this. H says he wants me to trust him, but he's not working on the marriage. How do I trust him if he won't participate and if I can't/don't/won't trust him then how to I beat down the feelings of insecurity? And yeah. It is pressure isn't it? Bleh. This sucks.


I HATE feeling like this.


I guess I just need to figure out what better is. Do I go dim? Do I just carry on as I was but try to push all of it out of my head? Am I even capable of detachment?

This is TOUGH stuff pei.

When/if he wants this M then he will not have ANY contact with OW.

Period.

BUT (intentional BUT because H is living in the land of the BUTs)

until HE decides this

YOU have to live YOUR life.

Detach. And you do know how to do this.

I am not going to argue what you should do in caring for your children.

What would you have done if you were a single parent?

No excuses here PEI. YOU have to do this. YOU know when you are not detaching.

You feel pain.

If you have an expectation of action from H you are not detached.

This is a process and you will keep putting your hand on the hot burner until...

You don't.

Thanks. So hard.


Absolutely. First phone call was just an innocent call for help, after that the insecurity monster took over.


Yes I am. Ok. <deep breath> Will do.


So many reasons - a lot of which I outlined in my 'get real' post to Jack3Beans on page two of this sitch (#2010270).

Also ... I completely trusted him. Defended him to everyone, thought he was incapable of lying and now I just feel so ... unbalanced. Like how could I have not seen through him then? And would I see through him if he lied again? If he hid it once then he could do it again? Does he really want to be trusted? Is he really trying to be trust worthy?


I'm gonna take your word for it If growth hurts, then yep! I'm growing. No pain, no gain right?


I would LOVE to. How? I was doing ok, then her friggin' phone # shows up on my phone when I hit redial and 'BAM' there I am again! As an aside ... mutual friend B thinks that OW and I need to talk to 'clear the air'!


Thanks for the reminder ... it is what it is and I should enjoy whatever that is. No more, no less. I think I need to get dimmer during our interactions ... maybe try harder to have the boys closer to going out the door when H arrives in the morning so he's there less time. I am NOT going to initiate any texts, emails or phone calls. I will only respond to ones that actually require a response IE. direct questions. I will not be cold, just distracted and busy. I am going to use family time as a chance to showcase the new me ... absolutely NO R talk ... if he initiates, I'm going to listen and shut up! Then change the subject.



Thank you
PEI

Is it ever.


Yeah. But we live in a small place, I don't even know if that's possible. Moot point right now though because as you've said ...


HE hasn't decided. I thought I was ... this whole thing sent me back. I thought I was further ahead than I am I guess.


Do I? Doesn't seem like it. I feel like I'm walking through the motions but it's not working. I still care way too much and hurt way too much.


I tried Mom and my sister first ... no dice. Like I said, first call was innocent after that ... crazy train!


Yep. All true.


I'm having a hard time not 'expecting' certain things from him ... especially as their father.


Yeah. I know.

All this typing sucks. Wish I could actually talk to some of you guys! Would make for getting a point across much quicker eh! Oh well ...

I am very glad you are all here.

Here's another 'what if' for ya ...

What if he's a WAH and the MLC thing is part of my imagination? What if those 'symptoms' are just part of what he's feeling as his justification walking away?

Should I be doing anything different if that's the case? I know that GAL, 180s and detachment are part of both ... I'm just asking ...

Morning PEI,
Oh I'm sorry you had such a distressing interaction with your H. With regards to your question about detaching, any amount I've ever been able to achieve has had to do with how much I'm GAL. What kinds of activities are you interested in? Now I'm thinking with 3 munchkins all under 6 (yeek!) you don't likely have a lot of time for that?!! But still important. Even one special thing that you love to do, just for you. Something that makes you feel calmer, more centered and fulfilled?

Hi PG ... thanks
I'm out of the house 3 nights/week based on our arrangement. I have a part-time business so one evening is dedicated to that (I go with others for a drink and munchies after our meeting though and really enjoy that). The other two nights I should be having appointments for my business but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that right now. I used to love to scrapbook, but I have no space at home right now and am afraid that going through boxes of pictures - a lot of which would be 'happy family pics' - isn't a good idea right now. I've got a massage treatment booked for this Friday (a gift from a friend) and I discovered a new hobby (geocaching) that I think I could really get to like. I love TV and movies ... watching some but can't afford to go to many movies right now.