Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy still separated, headed for D?

Hey Newmom, I think GAL is great--and male attention that boosts your self-esteem is wonderful.

BUT....just in general...they say don't date for a year after a D for a reason. You just aren't in the right place to be picking the next one. It's fun to look--really, really fun. But be very careful for you and for S's sake. You want to have yourself in a very good, very grounded place before you become involved with anyone else. Are you "there" yet?

That's why the affair person is such a terrible choice. What a way to start a R!

Sorry for all the questions, but does it mean you're about to move out if your current house is going to be rented?

I wish I had better advice about the balance of LRT and showing him what life is like without you.

NM...when I talked with my DB coach...she suggested trying to get H here as much as possible (away from OW) to fix things and help with stuff around the house since his name is still on the mortgage....

Gatsby-Sorry! It is like CW's sitch: my H's name is the one on the mortgage of the house we lived in and that I live in now. He never added me and I didn't think about it. DOn't worry, yes I will get money if we sell the house. He would be the landlord of the house- MY landlord. Darn, if we were still together, that would be a funny fantasy scenario!

I will be paying 90% mortgage while I live in the house when I go back to work. It is all fine and dandy and follows the law - he is giving me more than is required based on both of our incomes and based on the shared custody

CW- thanks. That is a good point. I do wonder about mixing signals though when LRT is in place. Like it is good that he is over here to work on the house but I don't want to see him??? What?

But after freaking out about it all day, I guess I will have to figure this one out on my own- hopefully my therapist can help tomorrow.

Laura, I wouldn't be looking for my next husband and he wouldn't meet S until I was thinking of maybe being exclusive. I have heard the arguments for not getting too attached before meeting the kids to see if they get along with the kids yet not introducing too soon because that would confuse the kids.

I do know that my whole being would have no issue dropping the guy like a hot potato if he was not into S.

But all I am doing is being prepared to go out and just relax. Nothing serious. I have been separated for over a year if that counts, lol!

Here is how it went when WH dropped off S:

He didn't knock. He entered the house saying Hello loudly. I was thrilled to see S and took him from his arms. He bought a faucet cover for the bathtub- a fireman duck. I said thank you. He needed to use the bathroom. I start playing with S and when he came out he leaned against the wall watching and asking some q's. I answered but not with enthusiasm. I realized he wasn't going to leave any second soon so I scooped up S and walked toward the door and started playing with him near the door. WH walked down the hall and was making small talk about the weather. I just said "yeah." Then I said "ok, say bye bye to daddy! We'll see you tomorrow in the parking lot!" He quietly said bye and left.

I was annoyed because he was testing me again wasn't he? I really don't want to have to have a discussion with him about my boundaries and asking him to please just drop off S and go.

I don't want to have to tell him that it pains me to see him- I want him to not know how hurt I am. Confusing. Hopefully I can just be consistent and stay by the door from now on, kind of standing there, waiting for him to leave.

Another thing to talk to my therapist- thank God I am seeing him.
I will share what he says of course....

NM,

if you havent tried the LRT yet, then give it all you've got! You have nothing else to lose by trying. But keep in mind, if you find its not working, tweak the rules to what is right for your sitch.

i know from your posts that you are strong enough and wise enough to figure it all out.

im not understanding the tenant/lanlord thing. Are you still living in your home? and H wants you to sign something as his tenant?

Thanks BD for stopping by! Some days I really feel lonely and need the replies like today! - the LRT is what I have been doing since last Thursday but the thing is that it is more dim than dark because we share S.

I think I better not mention the landlord thing anymore lol! Too confusing obviously! :-)

I am here for you! Whenever you feel lonely dont forget we are your friends and will help you through this! Dont lose the faith. We need to revisit The Secret! When i do, it makes me feel so much better and slightly in control of my life.

Dim is as dark as you can get with a child... i understand that! Remember even though he is not showing it or reacting loudly doesnt mean he's not noticing!

Hugs NM. How did it go with your therapist? Did you get some good advice on the landlord issues? Is not wanting him to know how hurt you are part of your DBing?

I am glad you have been able to reach out to us here, as you have been there for us from the beginning. The new visitation routine you have going is hard... it's a big change to how it has been... why don't you see how it goes for a few weeks & reasses. Keep note of the changes taking place in WAH. And then assess that according to your goals. Is it bringing you closer to achieving your goals, or pushing you further away.

I wonder if it would help if you set out what your goals are here for us to look at?

You're doing the same thing I do. Trying to figure it out. Just DB - just do it - and then wait and monitor results. There are no easy answers, the only way you can figure out if "it" works is by doing "it" and waiting and monitoring results.

I'm so sorry you are finding yourself here. Hugs.