Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives V1olin's new life without wife

Here is another side note... last weeek in a moment of Do you see what's missing from her response? She did not say 'I miss you too.'

That to me is not a sign of her wavering on the D. To me, that's a sign of her thinking you've given up and will accept just being friends.

It's tough. I went through the DB counseling. Dottie was really, really good and she had me pretty fired up for a while thinking that every interaction with STBXW was a chance for me to shine and rebuild the relationship.

But that also allows cake eating.

I was 'all in' in poker terms. I have enough friends. I wanted STBXW to be THE FRIEND. The one I could always trust, who would always have my back.

She's not so I'm not going to call and talk about my day or ask about her job or her family.

Now, if she calls me and needs someone to lean on -- I'll take it on a case by case basis. I can't say for sure what I'd do -- it depends on my mood. I might say something like 'we're not married anymore. These are problems I tried to help you with for 13 years. When you divorced me that to me meant you no longer wanted my help.'

Or if I'm in a sentimental mood I might listen. But she gets nothing of my life anymore. I thought about this a lot. If I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I'd tell my daughters and family but not her.

Clinging, you make good points and it is what I need to hear right now. It is probably the same advice I would give to someone else. I will have my dignity either way I decide to go but I do not want to keep my mouth shut because I am Afraid, bitter, or stubborn. I want complete freedom to say what I want, do what I want, and feel what I feel.

Well, she may not say she misses ME but... she did say that she misses my meatloaf! LOL

v1olin

First, I think it's cool that you still have feelings for your W. I think you are doing a good job of reading the situations as they arise. My input to you is not to worry too much about the divorce paperwork. Keep focusing on the positive interactions with your W and just see what happens.

You probably have many more conversations and interactions before your W is ready to talk reconciliation. You have been very patient....keep it up.

Hi v1olin-

I agree that the D paperwork isn't all that important, compared to the emotions. You know how my sitch is turning around, and I actually REGRET that I didn't get signed paperwork done last year. It would remove some stress from our current situation, and we could just concentrate on the good stuff that's going on between us. I don't in any way think that signed paperwork would have prevented what's happening now between my W and me. If you're living separate lives, you should have a legal agreement in place. If you can pull back from the emotion, you can see how that makes sense. With an agreement in place, you're no different from when you started dating, two independent people who maybe want to get to know each other (again).

I have decided to enjoy the good times and just sign the papers without a talk about the relationship.

Ahhhhhhh well I don't have good advice here I guess. But I can relate, having been there. Of course my XW was saying things like "I wish there was some way we could work this out," so I was trying to gague if there was something more to say. But there in the end there wasn't much stopping me from saying something like "Are you absoltely sure this is what you want, we can still walk away" - if you're worried about that her solidifying her point of view, there's really not much more solid than that signature. And honestly I was in a "nothing left to lose" mode too, I guess.

I don't think there is any loss of dignity in acknowledging the significance of the moment, and speaking up for your marriage.

Hang in there man, I know what it's like. Good thoughts your way.

Thank you guys, it really does help to read your responses here.

Hi v1olin,

I haven't gone all the way back through the thread, but here's what I gather from what I've read of the last weeks worth of posts:

When your D2 had her accident on you and it didn't phase you NOW as it did previously when your older D did so, shows serious change. It shows that you no longer sweat the little stuff, nor take a moment of being a parent for granted, something that can easily happen when we fall into our daily ruts.

I have said time and time again, and started many arguements, but now have new ammunition DIRECTLY from my (x)W to stand my ground after going through all her and I have: NO mother wants to take their child away from their father, at least from a father who realizes as I just said, they weren't the best parent they could be for some time, too wrapped up in themselves and their own problems.

According to my (x)W, in her words, everything she did, OM, things she did with OM, things said in court during the divorce, were all in her "best efforts to stab" (me). And I fought and fought, at that time not knowing, and I'd stab back, until the day came that my kids begged for no more, and I put the knife down and let (x)W just jab me in the chest. From that point on, I cherrished every moment I had with my boys, and she saw that.

Kind of stinks as in writing all this, I've kind of fallen into some of a rut again while letting the boys have their space as the whole reconcilliation thing IS taxing on them as well. Gonna have to work on that.

ok, I rambled off.

Anyway, I think your stbx is showing signs of remorse. I didn't have much the luxury you have in such interactions so I'm not overly sure how to interpret them. I can say, that when my (x)W was 'warm' for teh few times she was, she was much the same in her comments and demeaner, however the flux of OM kind of distorts that a bit.

I will also say that I would not fret the papework one bit. Does she already know it's all drawn up?

I see from your sig line that SHE filed. Let HER be the one to bring it up.

I held out, all the way up until the moment after everything was signed off on and we were standing in front of the judge (who gets the FINAL say) for (x)W to answer "no" to that infamous question about the state of the marriage. But, she didn't. She stood there emotionaless and cold and declared "yes, the marriage is broken and can not be reconcilled". And.....she was right. Our relationship today, IS NOT about that marriage. That marriage WAS broken. We are still working out problems that pertain to what happened after she left, but concider them to not be part of the broken marriage, and not really part of our current relationship either, kind of a in limbo, but not to be forgotten. BUT, the age old issues, are laid to rest once and for all.

Again, let her come to you about it.

Dday, so are you saying that I should hold off on the signing until she asks me about it?