I was doing research on being a cuckold. In some cases the cuckold becomes a cuckold because he accepts that he is not good enough lover to be with his wife. In other cases his physical attribute is not prominent enough. Cuckold's get their pleasure from the humiliation of being with a cheating wife.
I don't think captain or many of us have a problem in that we were or are not good enough lover for our spouses. It may be the spouse is too selfish or self-absorbed for considerations outside of their reality, many of these realities we helped to manifest.
The truth of this and I heard the statistic in church... 98% of marriages fail due to selfishness.
Through DB and other techniques we hope that our spouses will stumble to discover the error of their ways and their thinking. If they do not, we should be free to pursue happiness in our lives without them.
Whether you actually believe it or not, if it's true that your wife thinks you don't measure up, and you know she thinks it, and you stay in the marriage and don't attempt to fix it, then you are tacitly saying by your actions that you agree with her. Your actions will drown out any words to the contrary. And people don't know what you think; they know what you say and what you do, and that's it.
Imagine a man sitting under a downspout having his morning coffee. The water is pouring on his head, and it looks uncomfortable. He complains and curses the water, the rain, the gutter, the step he's sitting on. But he doesn't stand up and go sit somewhere else.
What does that say? Does he want to be there? Does he like having the water pour down his face? His actions say he does.
Now imagine another man. Same situation, same complaining and cursing and whatever else. But this guy stops complaining, looks thoughtful for a couple of minutes, and then gets up and walks away. What does that say? Did he want to be under the downspout? Did he like having the water pour down his face? His actions make it pretty clear.
Our wives can read our actions as easily as anyone else does.
Whether you actually believe it or not, if it's true that your wife thinks you don't measure up, and you know she thinks it, and you stay in the marriage and don't attempt to fix it, then you are tacitly saying by your actions that you agree with her. Your actions will drown out any words to the contrary. And people don't know what you think; they know what you say and what you do, and that's it.
Imagine a man sitting under a downspout having his morning coffee. The water is pouring on his head, and it looks uncomfortable. He complains and curses the water, the rain, the gutter, the step he's sitting on. But he doesn't stand up and go sit somewhere else.
I too came up with the analogy of the position we are in with our spouses being akin to a "seat". Sometimes the spouse says to us that we're with them, this is the seat, and if you are with them, you are going to get the treatment that you don't like becase thats your seat.
Originally Posted By: SillyOldBear
What does that say? Does he want to be there? Does he like having the water pour down his face? His actions say he does.
Now imagine another man. Same situation, same complaining and cursing and whatever else. But this guy stops complaining, looks thoughtful for a couple of minutes, and then gets up and walks away. What does that say? Did he want to be under the downspout? Did he like having the water pour down his face? His actions make it pretty clear.
His actions said that he's not going to take that. By our actions we may indicate to onlookers that we actually like the seat we have been given by our spouses. The best thing we can do for ourself is not to complain about it and go find another seat.
Originally Posted By: SillyOldBear
Our wives can read our actions as easily as anyone else does.
Its really blowing my mind now to imagine how much our wives elevate these single males outside the relationship, whose sole purpose was to get laid. Many of them are thinking married wives are easier lays these days, as in the biggest sluts. How do we counter this?
This is a gross generalisation. How do you know what the collective group of "single men" think of the collective group of "married women"? And to label a woman as a "slut" under any circumstances is unacceptable.
I could make the same generalisation about how it seems to me a lot of married men in unsatisfying relationships spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find women (single or partnered) who they can get a bit on the side with. That would be grossly unfair however given while it’s my experience in RL I read a lot of men on here who would love to connect intimately with their wives and are absolutely not about that.
[quote]How depressing to think of it this way. The marriage belongs to the wife and a husband is simply a prop in the situation. Are we supposed to look at it as a job? [quote]
You can think of it anyway you like – but only you have the power to change something if it’s not working for you.
In the situations you guys are talking about, where you claim that your wives are just not going to compromise to meet your needs … well that’s all on you. If your business partner was taking all the profit while you did all the work would you tolerate that?
I’m surprised at that 2/3rds of women would prefer root canal to having sex with their husband. That’s not my experience, nor the experience of my girlfriends, colleagues and sisters. I think most women, just like most men, want passionate, intimate, committed friendships with their husbands … the thing is all the stars have to align for that to happen and it’s hard work.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
The best thing we can do for ourselves is not to complain about it and go find another seat.
Sometimes. Sometimes you can fix the problem instead. You have to decide whether it's: a) worth your time and trouble and risk to fix it, and b) possible to fix it.
Notice that the possibility is listed second; that's because if it's not worth it to you to fix the problem, there's no reason to bother going through all the work of trying to figure out whether it's possible.
My advice here has been and is to decide whether this kind of marriage is worth the pain it's causing the Captain. So far, he has decided that it is. If he ever decides that it isn't, he still has a choice to make. He can try to fix it (like moving the downspout so it doesn't pour on your favorite spot) or he can move on and find a new "seat." Or no seat. Whatever turns out to make him happiest. I'm not saying to leave, I'm saying to admit that leaving is a possibility and start thinking about what it would take to leave, what it would take to fix this, and which one he honestly prefers.
If you decide it's worth it to you to fix the marriage, you don't have to decide right away whether it's possible. You can start working at it and hope that it turns out to be possible. Much depends on her and whether she eventually joins you. But she has conditioned you for years to think she doesn't care about the marriage or about you, or at least not enough, so if you had to decide right away, you'd be likely to assume that the marriage can't be fixed. That's another reason you have to be willing to face the end of the marriage; if you want to fix it, you have to be willing to take big steps that could possibly lead to the end of the marriage if they go wrong. And you don't have complete control over how things go, since she'll have to make so many choices along the way, too. It's terrifying, but it might work. Sitting tight almost certainly will not work.
Virginia, I've been ignoring that study, but without having read it, let me just point out something that we should all keep in mind: any time you see a news story about a study that proves something about human behavior, especially sexual behavior, and most especially a study that purports to prove some link between modern behavior or stereotypes and evolutionary biology, do not trust it. Reporters are notorious for taking what a scientist says and exaggerating and simplifying it until it means something completely different. Surprisingly often they take the actual result of a study and write a news story with a headline proclaiming that "science has proven" the opposite of what the researchers actually found.
[img]http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quantum_teleportation.png[/img] Don't buy the hype. Either read the study or ignore the article. Without having read it, I'm going to go ahead and predict that it's not as clear-cut as the headline suggests. You've already pointed out that it defies common sense and your own experience. It's not impossible that they found a result that contradicts both those things . . . but combine that with the fact that a news reporter wrote a sensational headline about it, and I'm suspicious.
Its really blowing my mind now to imagine how much our wives elevate these single males outside the relationship, whose sole purpose was to get laid. Many of them are thinking married wives are easier lays these days, as in the biggest sluts. How do we counter this?
This is a gross generalisation. How do you know what the collective group of "single men" think of the collective group of "married women"? And to label a woman as a "slut" under any circumstances is unacceptable.
A slut is a slut. Look it up in the dictionary, a male can be a slut too. I talk to alot of single folks. Many single men believe a complaining wife is one of the easiest lays.
I could make the same generalisation about how it seems to me a lot of married men in unsatisfying relationships spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find women (single or partnered) who they can get a bit on the side with. That would be grossly unfair however given while it’s my experience in RL I read a lot of men on here who would love to connect intimately with their wives and are absolutely not about that.
[quote]How depressing to think of it this way. The marriage belongs to the wife and a husband is simply a prop in the situation. Are we supposed to look at it as a job? [quote]
You can think of it anyway you like – but only you have the power to change something if it’s not working for you.
Originally Posted By: Walking
In the situations you guys are talking about, where you claim that your wives are just not going to compromise to meet your needs … well that’s all on you. If your business partner was taking all the profit while you did all the work would you tolerate that?
Who can have a relationship without any compromise? What if our wife, the business partner is not a business partner at all, but someone who has leveraged their way into a "power boss" of us. It happens.
Originally Posted By: Walking
I’m surprised at that 2/3rds of women would prefer root canal to having sex with their husband. That’s not my experience, nor the experience of my girlfriends, colleagues and sisters. I think most women, just like most men, want passionate, intimate, committed friendships with their husbands … the thing is all the stars have to align for that to happen and it’s hard work.
The stars don't need to align at all. All we have to do is equate our maritial partners happiness with our own. Things go awry when we think we are more clever than our spouses and cheat on them.
A slut is a slut. Look it up in the dictionary, a male can be a slut too. I talk to alot of single folks. Many single men believe a complaining wife is one of the easiest lays.
Lol. I’m not sure why this is pushing my buttons today and I’ll reflect on what’s going on for me that makes me feel so reactive – but …. there are a lot of undesirable words in the dictionary. There are racist words, sexist words, homophobic words. Would a racist word that was in the dictionary be acceptable to use?
Slut in normal usage is a derogatory term (according to dictionary.com) for
1. a dirty, slovenly woman. 2. an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.
In this context I can only assume we are referring to def 2 – an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.
I kinda take umbrage at the use of the term for a woman who commits one act of adultery. It’s a long way from taking a lover to being an “immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute”.
It’s perhaps not a moral choice, it’s certainly a selfish choice, it is probably a cry for help from a very unhappy woman … but a slut? I don’t think so.
I’ve slept with 3 men since my divorce 4 years ago. Am I a s? Depending on your definition, it’s possible I’m more of an s than our hypothetical sister because I’ve slept with more men … she slept with one man but she was married. What a horrible and alarming (and hideously anti-feminist) thought – there are degrees of slutness!!!!
It’s just not a nice word. That’s all.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
When I said "nailed" I did not mean it in a sexual way...I meant it as the spot-on observation:
The co-worker was female and my wife was chiding her for her sexual flirtation with another person (suggestive writing and dress for a male that was not her husband) when her coworker made the observation that my wife "used sex" to get a husband.
I hope that clarifies that point.
As for the beach. Well, it was not just any beach. It was a very particular beach and a very particular area of that beach (and one that I had not visited for many years). If I was not dealing with my current situation AND had my previous marriage not seemed to take a rather strange turn at this beach just months before my ex-wife's affair was revealed, my awareness of this location and the signifcance to my life probably would pass with little notice.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
A slut is a slut. Look it up in the dictionary, a male can be a slut too. I talk to alot of single folks. Many single men believe a complaining wife is one of the easiest lays.
Lol. I’m not sure why this is pushing my buttons today and I’ll reflect on what’s going on for me that makes me feel so reactive – but …. there are a lot of undesirable words in the dictionary. There are racist words, sexist words, homophobic words. Would a racist word that was in the dictionary be acceptable to use?
Slut in normal usage is a derogatory term (according to dictionary.com) for
1. a dirty, slovenly woman. 2. an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.
In this context I can only assume we are referring to def 2 – an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.
I kinda take umbrage at the use of the term for a woman who commits one act of adultery. It’s a long way from taking a lover to being an “immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute”.
It’s perhaps not a moral choice, it’s certainly a selfish choice, it is probably a cry for help from a very unhappy woman … but a slut? I don’t think so.
I’ve slept with 3 men since my divorce 4 years ago. Am I a s? Depending on your definition, it’s possible I’m more of an s than our hypothetical sister because I’ve slept with more men … she slept with one man but she was married. What a horrible and alarming (and hideously anti-feminist) thought – there are degrees of slutness!!!!
It’s just not a nice word. That’s all.
I think a slut means someone who is overly loose with sex and sexual morality. I don't think your a slut by that definition.
If you where cheating on your husband with one night stands met at bars and parties, allowing the deepest sexual sympathy with people who you do not know, you have banged multiple male co-worker in the same office, and peoples husbands... Thats a slut.
I don't call a slut a prostitute, although it may be. A whore is a prostitute and that means sex in exchange for goods and services or money. A whore will lay with people they do not like at all to exchange sexual acts for compensation.
It is what it is, and its why we come up with words that describe things and behaviors.
