Ya I know - I get detachment intellectually I really do - but in again - it's practice - so thanks for reminding me.
It's not realistic for me to watch him play because it's at like midnight and I teach that night. Second - I've completely stopped asking him out at all because he perceived that as 'my trying to pull him closer'.
I do - get some touching in - putting a piece of food in his mouth for example
In any case - they're home - thanks so much for responding - it means the world to me that someone would take the time to consider my situation and provide some feedback!
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Wow - I guess there's lot of activity on here after a weekend. Mine was OK. Had an 'incident' and would love to have you all weigh in - On Sat afternoon H took D6 to a bday party. It was a drop-off so while D6 was at the party H took himself out for dinner essentially. Now I'll be honest - I always have a meal prepared for the kids but my H and I often end up eating cereal for dinner. I'm just spent on all of the meal planning + that I do. In any case, on Friday I'd eaten a late lunch so didn't make us dinner and H had cereal. So he tells me he took himself out to dinner and I was really disappointed. I say 'So this means you won't be having dinner tonight'. He gets a bit defensive and says well last night I had cereal and I didn't want that to happen again. In the meantime our two sons are buzzing around interrupting us etc. and I'm feeling really annoyed. I say well I was hoping we could have dinner tonight and he says well I never know if you're going to eat. So I say well perhaps next time you can call me. He starts getting annoyed and then he says - 'OK well if I call you can't start trying to talk me out of going out for food' and then he begins with 'In the past...' I put my hand up and he says - 'What I can't talk about the past'. Then I say something like I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt - and then we just couldn't continue because of the kid interruptions and he said something like we can't talk about this now but he seems really annoyed about my 'benefit of the doubt' statement. I said something like I was just disappointed. In any case, I sulked and was grumpy for a while. I kept fighting with myself about wanting to keep going with the conversation. I wanted to tell him I wasn't trying to control him just felt bad that we couldn't eat together but in the end after the kids went to bed I said nothing and he (OF COURSE) didn't bring it up. Then he asked if I had any interest in exercising with him and I said yes so we did that. It just seems there is so much miscommunication between us and that he is always assuming the worst about me an my intentions. I know why - of course I have been controlling but I am working very hard and making changes. It just seems like that is besides the point.
So my questions are: Did I do the right thing by letting it go? What do you all think of our interaction in general?
As always, thanks for the input. A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
There may have been a chance to validate his decision to "take himself out" so that he wouldn't have to eat cereal again? IF that is what you guys always do, maybe then he wasn't assuming the worst, he was just assuming that was what was going to happen?
Forgive me if I am way off base!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Fud: excellent ... have something yummy? or ... hey, good idea ... maybe next time I'll join you!
K, here it comes ...
He expected cereal for supper based on experience ... he wanted dinner, he bought it, he's a grown up - he can do what he wants. Even if you had made a gourmet meal and he didn't show up the suggested answer above would have been a good idea. You need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Give you the benefit of the doubt??? You confirmed his doubt by complaining about what he chose to do (in response to what you admit you usually do)! Of course he assumes the worst, that's where he is right now and you know this ... and you can't TELL him any different, you have to SHOW him and give him time to notice and trust the changes.
The positives: - You let it go (well you didn't bring it up again, but you haven't let it go yet ... do it) - H asked you to do something with him and it wasn't watching TV
Chin up ... bring back the PMA! Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Apparently the fact that I'm funny - sensitive - fiery - smart etc. DOES NOT COME ACROSS IN PRINT
None of that matters - I'm just in a funk.
I know that there are those of you - maybe most - whose sitch is FAR FAR FAR worse than mine but for me this feels horrendous. I know that ultimately I will have to give my H an ultimatum because he will never ever come around. I know that for some of you that just seems like pessimism but I know my H. He's doing nothing in the service of personal growth and as my IC says - he's conflict avoidant. He could probably do on like this forever. I on the other hand - can't not name the elephant in the room. Naming the elephant in the room is just part of the fabric of my being. The question is when to give the ultimatum and how exactly to phrase it.
In the meantime - I feel like crap and am walking around on egg shells everyday it seems - just worried that I'll say or do the wrong thing. The type of thing that will reinforce his negative views of me. I'm just hanging on by a thread here. I just don't think I can continue like this much longer. For those of you who have done it for 8, 10, 12 months - my hats off to you. I'm just not able or willing to do that. Maybe DB is just not something that's going to work for me. Maybe if I had Michelle as my therapist it would be fine but I don't and I don't have 10k to get her. I did hire a DB coach and while I think it's somewhat helpful, all in all it hasn't gotten me very far.
Just need to get my thoughts out and no real outlet to do that.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Mach - you're right I'm a DB failure apparently. Just for the record though - bomb was a month earlier than registration on this site. Prior to that was trying the approach of Lee Baucom.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
you know, it can feel like this but re-read what people have posted cause there is some good stuff there. i re-read my thread occasionally and it's amazing how you understand things on a deeper level each time you read the advice. also, keep posting, ppl do read!
btw, DB is the biggest test of patience EVER. while there doesn't seem to be a magic bullet, i have noticed two consistent themes for "success." 1 - detaching and having your own life (trust me, i'm still working on this so not saying it's easy!) 2 - small, consistent changes over time are what is noticed by the spouse...nothing you say will help (and some stuff can hurt so it's better to "talk less, have more fun" as my coach told me). there was a post somewhere that said it well. it didn't happen that your spouse decided to leave you overnight...so coming back won't either.
one other small thing to remember, you can't weigh your H's behavior against the "standard" benchmark of how people should act. understand he is in his own reality and you can accept that in all it's weirdness and move on with your life OR keep getting upset at something that truly is out of your control, thereby causing you angst. from my experience option 1 is better for your sanity.
