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are you working for Larry??? this sounds like a sales pitch!

I wish you the best, Red!!

Lol!

No, I'm not working for him - he's working for me and doing a great job of it. I continue to be amazed by his insights. There were a number of relationship challenges last week that I managed to handle with grace and dignity thanks to one of the techniques he taught me. As a result, I've got WH totally baffled and in Jekyll/Hyde mode - one day totally great, the next totally nasty. All expected and predictable, according to Larry, because I've confused him by NOT flying off the handle and acting like a woman possessed. The changes in him the last few days have been remarkable.

I also FINALLY understand what's going through WH head - something I haven't been able to crack for two years. It's been SO interesting hearing it from a man! Now I can get off the emotional roller coaster, roll up my sleeves, and get to work on repairing things.

Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes as planned. I'll keep you posted...

Red, I would like to know what Larry said is going on in your WH's head! I don't think it betrays Larry for you to share because you did say it is based on each couple's unique history, right?
And if your WH ends the A, that is a testimonial for Larry- he will get some service from your readers!

Newmama, it's actually kind of complicated, but let me see if I can manage it in a nutshell:

My FIL started cheating on my MIL pretty early on in their marriage because that's what he'd been taught by his father, grandfather, and uncles to do when things got rough at home: go get some on the side. It was completely acceptable.

My WH was SO disgusted with his father for abandoning his wife and kids that way that he swore he'd never be like him. And he kept his promise, for more than 20 years.

But in 2005, my FIL decided that he'd been punished enough by his kids for the separation and divorce that happened in the 80's and he wanted to get to know his grandkids. So he and his 2nd wife (married 1989), who had "found religion" in the interim, decided to do a 6-month missionary stint with their church in our area. They helped with the homeless and abused during the week, and spent the weekends with us.

Whatever the sins of the past, I whole-heartedly supported my kids having that grandparent/grandchild relationship, because I'd learned a lot from my own grandmother, my folks died in the 1980s, and we don't get to see my MIL very often (she lives cross-country). It was a nice, multi-generational bonding that lasted for 12 months over two years.

It was good...or so I thought.

The problem? The hate and resentment WH had festered for his father for 20 years dissipated upon getting to know his kinder, gentler (older) dad. Maybe the family tradition of "getting some on the side," wasn't so hurtful after all, because he now got along with his father like he had before he'd left in 1979. He no longer felt the pain of an abandoned teenager.

With a mid-life crises upon him and a willing woman at work, it all fell into place quite nicely. He started up this EA approx January 2007, when his father was in the 2nd six-month rotation here. I distinctly remember my FIL telling me I need to keep WH home more. He saw the signs as clear as day then, but he didn't have the heart to give me the 411. (I doubt I would have believed him anyway, I trusted WH so much.)

Now let me be clear about something: I am NOT excusing anything!

There is NEVER a good reason to bring a 3rd person into a marriage. It only makes matters worse.

But now I understand how it happened. I got involved with the kids, he got involved with work, we drifted apart, the opportunity presented itself, and based on the pattern he'd seen from the significant males in his life, it seemed perfectly logical. 1+1=3.

So right now, he's justified EVERYTHING he's done by placing the blame squarely on me -- as his father did his mother, his grandfather did his grandmother, his uncles did his aunts, etc.. It all makes perfect sense to him. If I'D been more attentive and kept him happy, he wouldn't have strayed. It's all MY fault. He's only doing what ANY man would do in similar circumstances. And now that I've embarrassed him in front of his peers, I'm a liability that needs to be disposed of.

My hurt feelings are of no concern to him. I brought it all on myself. If I'd been "the perfect" wife (btw - there is no such thing), he'd have had no reason to seek solace elsewhere. That alleviates the guilt and fully excuses the bad behavior in his mind.

So...everything that I do that is nasty or derogatory justifies his misbehavior in his mind. Anything I do that's nice or flirty feeds his ego and reiterates what a great guy he his is in is mind.

I CANNOT win.

But I CAN play a completely different game, one where he doesn't know the rules and can't guess them until after I've won. That's what Larry is teaching me.

Hee, hee, hee....

Newmama -

After thinking about it, I'm bogging you down with WAY too many personal details.

Let me see if I can simplify this:

You, your husband, and son - a legitimate family in the eyes of God and state -- are like Barbie and Ken with a baby. What's there not to like?

But Ken has a dirty little secret. He's hooked on cocaine (aka his mistress), and he refuses to give it up. He is NOT himself. Anything he says under the influence of his drug should NOT be construed as truth or his final word.

To get him over this drug, you have four choices. You can:

1. Kick him out the door because of the addiction.

2. Learn to deal with the addiction, hope he overcomes it and returns to you in time.

3. Stage an intervention and force him into rehab (exposure and no contact).

4. Give him a "drug" alternative that's better than cocaine => you! (Larry's method)

Let's be clear about one thing: the addicted WH is not YOUR husband. He may look like him, talk like him, and even smell like him, but he is NOT the man you married. He's an addicted shell of the guy you said "I do" to. If you can drill that into your brain, everything else becomes MUCH easier...

Red, first THANK YOU for explaining the details! I really appreciated learning about your H's family history.




Hmm...so by process of elimination: you are not being cold and punitive, you are not being "the better option," therefore you must be doing something in the middle....maybe mixing it up and "walking away"...being independent, mysterious,unpredictable... drawing your H to you. (AM I CLOSE??)




Oh believe me I know this! And I do not believe he is the man I married and I don't want to be married to this man! What I am fearing is that he has permanently changed and would rather choose his "drug" over S and I. After all, addiction does permanently change your brain.

Hey newmama - glad you enjoyed the tale!

Let's just say that Larry's teaching me to break one of Newton's Laws...which will force WH to respond accordingly. It should be interesting. With just the little I've done, it's got WH confused and doing double-takes. He's even doing a little pursuing, which has ME doing a double-take!

I can't speak to your situation since my WH has not moved out, but I can appreciate the anxiety and turmoil your WH's actions have caused you. Having a new baby AND a WAH at the same time is more transitions than any one person should have to bear. I encourage you to write your story and see if you can get a free consultation with Larry so you can your head around it from a different perspective. Taking out the emotion and inserting the logic has helped my mindset tremendously. Maybe it will do the same for you...

Thanks Red! I want some credit though for NOT using my emotion this whole time or else I would have left WH loooong ago! So I have been suppressing emotion MOST of the time. I really have done my best to use logic and reason this whole time! It has helped me to stall the divorce (all bark and no bite from WH so far) but it also resulted in me staying in limbo.

I will be analyzing Newton's laws on my thread so I don't take over yours on accident!

Hey newmama -

Good for you, injecting logic over emotion!

I'm usually VERY logical, but this whole saga did a number on my self-esteem and turned me into a weepy, grasping fool! The last time I got this emotional was when I lost both of my parents within a year of each other back in 87 & 88. WH helped me through it then, but with him causing all the trouble this time, I lost it.

You're a stronger woman than me, newmama! I was in a daze for 6 months after I had my first child. If my WH had been acting then like your husband is now, I'd still be recovering (she's almost 13). Best of luck to you!

Following your thread with interest, SeeingRed & can't believe how strong you are being! That OW is truly a low life - when the Karma Train comes round she's not going to get a good seat, believe me. In fact, I bet the same thing will happen to her in her future marriage(s). Interested to know how you go after your next session with Larry! Btw, are you still talking to a BD coach?