Why would you want to be with a man who is mean and verbally abusive? Who has/is/will continue to cheat on you?
Start working on yourself and your self-esteem. Until you become the sort of woman who wouldn't put up with this sort of treatment, you have no hope of a good relationship with any man.
Are you in IC? If not, GO. We have to fix ourselves first.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Today is your anniversary......wow. That sucks....
We hear your desparation for help, and if you will stick with us....we will stick with you, okay?
First, get through today. I know in your heart you will want to hear from him. You will want him to recognize the anniversary. But, I doubt he will do anything b/c he will not want to give you any hopes for the future. So prepare not to hear from him.
Second, don't contact him. Hard assignment, I know. But he is expecting....and dreading that contact. So surprise him by you not pursuing him about the anniversary.
Third, do something very nice for yourself today. Be with friends and go somewhere to have fun. Don't hang out at his old haunts.....go where you won't run into him. Tell your friends that you don't want to discuss him or any of that stuff today. Try to relax and tomorrow we will get into the meat of this DBing.
Please don't sit at home feeling sorry for yourself today.
I think your H has some problems that would be hard to resolve....but not impossible. The hardest part for him would be to have the "want to" and he isn't showing any of that.
I must have misunderstood about the baby situation, but compared to the other things about him.....it is hard to see him wanting to "settle down" and fit into that picture of being a daddy and raising a child. But we will get back to that later.
I believe you are going to have to apply "tough love" with him, and we'll talk about that also.
Let me give you the link to the thread about boundaries vs ultimatums. If you have time, read the first couple of pages on that and it will clearify some terms. It is an important read.
i know, the thing is he stopped enjoying going from woman to woman and now wants to settle down inspite of his womanizing tendancies. and he did try with me, he just has some bad habits. The porn wasn't really something he did all the time. he did it three times without my knowledge. i couldn't sleep last night at all. after seeing him and letting him tell me for an hour about what a horrible wife i was and hash up every single detail with rage while i just sat there and tried to calmly tell him that i changed and i wanted to focus on now, all i could do all night was be haunted by how bad i was. i feel like today i'm as low as i was five weeks ago. i feel so bad right now, so alone. i don;t see any hope. i know when he moved into his new appartment we will be done. i know he'll find someone else. i do have plans today, to go horseback riding with a friend and then to have lunch with another friend, but i know i'll just be going through the motions, becaus ei feel so absolutely dead inside. i messed everything up and not only is he leaving me, but he'll never regret it and he doesnt even miss me.
I know you are scared that he is done with you, but you will not change his mind by putting pressure on him to give you another chance. The more you beg & plead, the more it turns him off. You be a lady of high class and dignity and when he decides he made a big mistake in leaving, then if you still want him.....make him chase after you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know it sounds awful, and it feels awful--but just do it. My H had been in a very bad mood for several years & made a habit of yelling at us & being snarky. He has been gone for two weeks now & I am starting to notice how nice it is without all of that negativity.
Do yourself a favor, take this opportunity to just enjoy the peace. You don't deserve to be treated like that.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
You need to back away and leave him alone. He is going to do what he wants to do and all the pleading is not going to stop him. It is making things worse. Men really hate that and see it as "nagging".
Your best shot at a second chance is to work on your self improvements, becoming the woman "you" want to be. Focus on your education, etc. Find information in how to be a woman of confidence and then apply that in your daily life. Men find women who are confident very sexy.
This will not come about over night b/c your H needs to be away from you and to miss you. When he hears about you through friends, or he runs into you at a bar or whatever, he will discover you really have changed from your clingy ways.
When you immediately stop contacting him, he will probably be relieved, but he may also wonder why you pulled back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
