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LolaL,Aaaaahhhhh..........

By the way, every time I see your thread name, I chuckle. It's just the funniest one. You should get an award or sumpin....
Oh! Oh! EDIT!
I actually came on to congratulate you for NOT sending that email!
You handled that temptation nicely.

Thanks...

I have a bit of a new problem. XH stopped by to pick up the Tween tonight. Apparently while going through his mother's things, he found pictures of our wedding from 20 years ago.

Just a little history, I was the WAS after ten years of marriage. It was not a decision I made lightly. We had been in counseling. There was a year separation while he was in Korea. We had separated and reconciled several times. All we did was fight all the time. I felt as if he wanted to keep me in a cage. He controlled the money, the bills, the grocery shopping, the car, everything.

While he was gone in Korea, I found my footing. I got a job, enrolled in school, and when he got back, although we attempted to pick up the pieces, I knew it was just enough.

Now, that is not to say it was all his fault. I think at some point I just gave up. I began to realize it was easier to just agree with him rather than argue, and once he was gone, it was easier to just end the marriage. He did not want to end it. I was the one who actually did it.

I have tried several times over the past ten years to maintain a good working relationship with him, at points to the detriment of my own personal life. Even w/ the SG, sometimes XH's work schedule would cause problems because we could never plan anything.

Now, that all being said,he comes over to pick up the Tween, and pulls out these pictures to "try to make me feel better." And then proceeds to remind me of a particularly brutal argument we had about 12 years ago. And THEN proceeds to tell me that I am the only woman he has ever been attracted to.

This has frankly left me in a very uncomfortable position. I know that because of the events I have dealt with, not only in the past year and a half, but particularly in the past week, I am vulnerable emotionally. I don't want to reconcile w/ XH. But now I feel this increasing sense of guilty because I know how much I hurt, and here is this guy who is still stuck in a marriage that ended ten years ago. It has left me feeling very uncomfortable.

I tried to be supportive b/c his mother died. If I try to attempt to be cordial with him for the sake of the Tween, he seems to take it as some mystical sign. I don't want to be a bitch to him, but that seems to be the only time he gets the fact that I don't want to be with him.

I have tried explaining to him that I don't love him. Although we tried very hard, ultimately the marriage ended. I thought, just for a moment, what it would be like to be back with him tonight. I could see it again, being where I was ten years ago, fighting like hell to reclaim my own identity and figure out why someone who "loved" me so much could try to control my every move. And now, I find him beginning to try to do it again.

Can I please get some opinions on how to stop him without resorting to becoming superbitch again?

Controlling can take many different forms and reasons, in lots of situations people that act controlling are simply afraid of losing something/someone they don't want to lose. It's their defense mechanism to prevent it from happening. Unfortunately it doesn't work and in fact makes them repulsive in the eyes of those they're afraid to lose.

You can tell him that you understand how he feels but the feeling isn't mutual. Ask him if it would be helpful if you and him maintained a no-contact relationship unless it was an emergency. Just tell him you don't want to hurt him but you and him are just not possible.

It's pretty sad though...I can almost see my STBXW telling me stuff like that and me feeling god if she would just tell me what she wants I'd be willing to get her the moon. Sorry, if this making you feel worse I just felt a connection between where he might be and where I am.

LolaLSpringing something like that on you, knowing what you're going through right now was cruel, downright cruel and...controlling! "Mystical sign"! Lame. He knows this. Thankfully, so do you. Well then that should be the end of that. Period.My friend...Stop. That. Right. Now.

It was nice of you to be sympathetic but you owe him NO explanations. Heck, you owe him nothing at all. Don't be a Superbitch- unless that is truly your last resort. Write down and memorize a firm, no-nonsense boundary on this. Memorize it word for word and be ready with it for the next time. And it's a boundary that should be followed by your front door closing on him or your hanging up on him.

And hold onto that thought - that REALITY - of "what it would be like to be back with him tonight. I could see it again, being where I was ten years ago, fighting like hell to reclaim my own identity and figure out why someone who "loved" me so much could try to control my every move."

When you feel vulnerable about this run-don't walk - to your IC, best friend, confidante, this board, whatever it takes.

You deserve better. Period. And it ain't him.

You, like all of us, are on the verge of a new beginning, a new adventure, on the cusp of something really good. And really healthy, given all we've learned here throughout our sitches.

Be strong.
Because you are.
(((LolaL)))

I agree, do not even think about reconciling with him. I am sure you aren't, not seriously, anyway. But I know guilt can make us crazy!

Wow, I see a little me in your xH I am embarrassed to say. I am sure Dan feels just as uncomfortable when I bring up reconciling and he is so not wanting that...

Sorry the ex is making you feel uncomfortable. It is unfortunate that your marriage didn't work out, but that was years ago. You shouldn't have to revisit it now...

Hugs!

Thanks to all of you. I have not considered a reconcilation with XH at all. Although I am stinging right now with the latest development of SG, I know that I cannot go back. Either way. It is funny, through all of this I too kept thinking if SG felt the same way about me that I feel about XH.

I know this is a control issue. I am linked to XH because of the Tween, but that is the only reason. It was that we really did not speak other than discussing her, but after XH's mother died, I tried to be a friend because I know how hard it is to lose a family member that you love. But this did not mean that I wanted to reconcile with him at all, and I believe I need to make that very clear to him. I did not give him any indication or reason to think that was even possible.

Now I realize that we can only be parents to the Tween. I don't want to be a bitch to him, but realize I am going to have to make it very clear that this is not something I want. On the flipside, had the SG come to me spouting words like this, I would have taken him back in a heartbeat. However, I also know after the latest news that it would have ended in heartache again, and so for that I am grateful it never came to that.

It kind of reminds me of that old Aaron Neville song "Everybody plays to fool." I realize that in this life, there are times when we all get our hearts broken. It is how you handle it after that will determine what kind of person you are. I could lay down and give up, like the XH seems to have done, or muster up the strength to carry on. I am not about to go back into a marriage where I felt my every move was controlled, manipulated. XH was not physically abusive, but I think he had a crystal clear image in his head of what a marriage should be, and that was not the same image that I had. Marriage should not be about one person controlling the other, but a mutual joining of two people based on love and respect. That definitely did not exist. I have grown too much and come to far to allow that kind of relationship to take me over again.

I don't want to be alone forever, but for now I am content with grieving the final stages of the end of my marriage to the SG. I want to be able to move on, and now I can start doing that. It will still take some time. I think XH feels like if he can be "strong" for me, that I will see him in a new light. That is not going to happen. This is MY journey, not his. And I am content with walking in the direction I am, with complete faith in God that everything happens for a reason.

BBJ: I had to comment on what you said about Dan. The thing is, XH and I have been divorced for 10 years. During that ten years, I have dated others, and even married someone else.

Most of us on this board are pretty fresh. I don't think the conversations you have had with Dan are anything like this. It has been TEN YEARS, and Mike still cannot get it through his head that the marriage ended a long time ago. I don't think anyone on this board is still pining after their ex from ten years ago. And if they were, I am pretty sure we would smack the ever loving shiznit out of them with a 2x4. That is part of this board, when all is exhausted, to help each other learn how to heal in a healthy manner, and move on.

So I don't think you can really compare. You are in a normal stage. Mike isn't.

^^This^^ Amen.

Good stuff, Lola. You are definitely moving in the right direction...

Thanks. It's about f'in time!!!!!!!