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Journaling, played in a softball tournament Saturday and Sunday morning and it soaked up a lot of time -- five games all in hot sun so tan/red.

The only drawback though was I was going to swing by church at 6 p.m. last night to say hi to one of the ladies from my church growth group.

She's extremely pretty and a former cheerleader, but she's been working in a quiet cubicle for eight years and now finds it hard to put herself out there in front of others.

In any case, I had a game at 5 p.m. and couldn't stop in to see her so yesterday I sent an email asking how it went since I don't have her number.

I did make it out Saturday night for a while, meeting one of my former co-workers at the same bar that has kind of become our place.

I have my girls next weekend and a cookout in two weeks with the church group, then the girls two weekends after that so pretty quickly the summer is filling up.

Sunday afternoon and this morning are really quiet though. I should be doing something. Last night I mostly rested. It's amazing how much five games of softball takes out of me now.

Ten years ago I could play in a tournament, come home and go swimming or do yardwork. Now, I laid down for a long time to let my feek, ankles and knees rest.

I'm still having difficult thoughts occasionally. The first one is motorcycles. I hate motorcycles because of my friend seeing STBXW getting on one with a guy last August. She said he's just a friend and that turns out to be the case, but he's part of a gang of people she hangs out with in a small town 30 minutes from here when she gets a chance. It's the same group she's going to Sturgis with in August and dumping the girls on her mom for a week.

I wonder if, even after I find someone else, that's always going to bother me?

Finances are worrying me a little. The fact I didn't work this weekend will hurt. That extra paycheck was going to take care of June and lead me into July in decent shape. Now? I'm going to have to really watch my pennies when girls aren't around.

I'm still struggling with "what's next?" This past week was the first time since early February that there were no D developments. That little 1% part of me that just won't give up wonders if that means the D train is slowing. The other 99% remembers the blowup on Tuesday and says I wish this was getting done faster.

I'm going to have lots more free time for a while. My Monday, Tuesday and Thursday commitments are over. I'm hoping to be able to pick the girls up from camp/daycare a lot and see them for a while. But there are going to be weeks that doesn't happen. I have them for three. STBXW has them for two, the MIL has them for one and the other four they are in camps or daycare.

The week MIL has them they'll be out of town and I may go down and see them one night. That's the week STBXW will be drowning herself in alcohol in Sturgis with her best friend and our maid of honor.

I think I've said before that I really trust our maid of honor. I've been friends with her longer than STBXW and I believe that if STBXW showed any hesitation then the best friend would tell her she's being dumb and should work things out.

I guess my standards are increasing though. For so long, if STBXW had given me any chance I would have rushed home under the old tensions and coldness and done my best to work things out.

Now? I think I'd have to see a real change, a real sense of she's been wrong all these years and wants to get help. She needs to get help or she's going to be a lonely old woman clinging to her daughters for friendship because she's closed herself off to the world.

I also am struggling with forgiveness and having vindictive thoughts. I walked by the house yesterday. It's supposed to go on the market soon and I'm looking forward to it for mean reasons. You have to keep the house and yard spotless to sell it unless it's going as a foreclosure. It's nowhere near ready and I laugh to myself when I think about STBXW having to make sure the house is show ready EVERY day in case there's a showing. I've talked to people who have had their house on the market for 12 to 18 months and it's exhausting.

Is it wrong to enjoy the fact I'll be doing things this summer while STBXW slaves away trying to sell our house?

CTHThere's no better way to teach. They will, eventually, follow in the footsteps of the even-keeled parent (after the usual trying, exasperating teenage years are over, though )

CTH,No. Though my answer reflects my enjoying it vicariously through you while I'm in the opposite position of slaving away to sell the house while X enjoys la-la-ing in la-lal land.

CTHI went to the first Sex & City movie with X and stepson. I looked around the theatre and saw about a hundred women and maybe ten other men. I pointed this out to stepson saying, "we're the only men in this theatre who weren't dragged here to see this!"

My actor S,31 was in it.

After my son's scene, stepson said, "is he in the movie again at any point?" "No," I replied.
Stepson promptly got up and left the theatre

Good! I think none of us would want to go back to the exact same R we had in the past. We've worked on our issues, and the WAS would have to also.

Is it really vindictive? Isn't it more like enjoying seeing that your WAS will have consequences for her actions? I think it's perfectly normal.

CTH, I'm just following along as usual and don't have much to add...sounds like things are going OK for you.

Oh and I'm with you on the forgiveness part...after what the WASs have put us through we deserve to get at least a little bit of satisfaction from seeing them suffer even if the suffering is really just a bit of inconvenience. Unfortunately, I don't think they'll ever suffer (and thus will never know) as much as we have.

SR, the last line -- I don't think they'll ever suffer as much as we have.

Who's to say? I feel so much better about myself a year after the split and looking back at how much she'd withdrawn I realized I was getting ZERO out of the relationship other than getting to see the girls every day and retaining the right to call myself married.

So if I'm patient and don't make the same mistakes -- finding someone who needs fixing -- then eventually I will be perhaps happier in a relationship than before.

The pain that will never go away is not putting my girls to sleep every night. Every day we are apart feels like theft -- like STBXW is stealing their childhood from me. That was what I was crying about a little yesterday. I was watching a movie where the oldest daughter dies of Leukemia. I just lost it. I'm not sure why. They are both healthy. It just got me thinking about how you can't get childhood back.

Looking beyond that. I look at where I think I'll be in five years and I have confidence that I'll be OK. I have my financial plan in place. I have a career I love and have job security. My romantic opportunities seem to be getting better and I'm not even divorced yet. I have lots of friends looking out for me. I've reconnected with family members I'd shut out as the marriage went south.

STBXW? She was being treated for depression in 2008 but stopped, apparently convinced I was the source of her unhappiness. The hard truth is she's always been unhappy. There always seems to be something missing from her life. Until she deals with that she'll only find temporary fixes.

Financially. She's never known how to handle money and is in serious trouble. When she finally sells the house she has this dream that she'll just buy a smaller one. She doesn't understand down payments and credit scores and all that. She'll be lucky to find a nice house to rent -- and that means no pets and she'll have to break it to the girls.

Socially. She's always been a wallflower who needs someone to hold her hand and walk her to the dance floor. It's not me anymore. Instead it's her best friend. I love her best friend. She's a fun and very nice person. But she's horribly overweight, has a huge drinking problem and only is comfortable in biker bars in a tiny town 30 minutes from here. So that's STBXW's new hangout -- and she can have it. I'd rather live alone the rest of my life than hang out in that town.

So will STBXW ever feel as much pain as I did? In a way, no. She never got to feel the deep rejection, the pain of putting in 13 years only to be cast aside. Will she suffer for her choices. I think she already is and I don't think it'll get better. I think someday she'll start seeing someone seriously again. But unless she gets help for her underlying issues I doubt anyone will put in the effort that I did to get through that wall that she's built around herself.

I hope someday I can get past the pain of abandonment to have normal conversations with her without the pain coming to the surface. I may not. I may always hurt and have to keep as much as space between us as is possible with two daughters.

I have to be better in a lot of ways for D7 and D11. Will she suffer as much as I did? Hopefully, I'll get to the point where that isn't important.

I can now tell you that, having had my XW move out with the kids, that, I will survive. And so will you CTH. I spent my first weekend holiday with my kids ALONE. It was WONDERFUL. No eggshells.

Granted, I will now have to face a five day stretch without them, but, I know my kids still love me.



As far as having our wives feel some of the sting, that's the 'little boy' talking inside and should be extinguished. No matter how terrible this is, there is ALWAYS a contributing factor, at some level from BOTH spouses. When, as a man, you can step up to the plate and say, "I feel terrible that I did this", or, "ya know, I did spend too much time not paying attention to her"...or, "I didn't listen well", then, you are truly on the way to healing and being able to forgive your WAS. There is no one here on this site that was a perfect spouse. Most of us probably chose the wrong person to marry or married for the wrong reasons.

One of my buddies who went thru a tough divorce said to me, "I'll never forget what she did to me but I forgive her." It's the best way to heal and move on. In the pdf I read that I have quoted on my own thread, the author says that the line you sometimes hear, "she did you a favor", is ofttimes true.

Detaching first, then accepting your own contributions and then letting go of self-blame....are key to moving onto forgiveness. It allows you to let go, grow, self-focus and go forward.

FIB

I understand CTH. At times, I just wish H would have a rough time because of all he has put me through, but then again I am happy that he has finally found some happiness in his life. There are a lot of things that, although it seems like he has everything going well for him right now and not a care in the world, I know he is ridden with guilt (it shows through his health).

I agree also with FIB because as you are saying there are potential romances around, you need to make sure you have dealt with the anymosity towards STBXW so you don't carry that into your next relationship. The forgiveness book I talked about a long time ago said how you are destroy current relationships because of unforgiveness towards another person so you will want to work on the things FIB says so you can freely find someone new and have a healthy, strong relationship.

Made it through the weekend unscathed. Lots of laying around time. Funny thing this morning. I got a text at 7:30 a.m. that D11 was just getting up. Her ear was hurting all night.

I texted back asking whether she wanted me to take her to school.

She said yes because she was meeting with D7's principal to find out why he hasn't talked to a girl that D7 is supposedly scared of.

I see D7 every day after school and she keeps talking about this girl but she never said she was scared. They just don't like each other. But, hey, STBXW loves to make mountains out of molehills and I just let it slide.

I go to pick up D11 and I find out what happened. The three of them were at the MIL's campground, which has a beach and a pool, but STBXW forgot earplugs for D11 and was too lazy to drive 20 minutes back into town to buy some.

So she let D11 swim without them for two days and now she has swimmer's ear. D11 has ear, nose and throat issues like I did as a kid. I never go swimming without ear plugs and I never let D11 swim without them either.

I had to laugh because if it were me that took her swimming without ear plugs and she developed ear troubles there would be hell to pay.

FIBs and Awest, I know I need to somehow forgive. I feel I've made tremendous strides in just about everything except forgiveness.

Here's the issue. I'm sure in STBXW's mind she's thinking I should be thankful because she's not fighting for every bit of child support and over time and access.

But in my mind I can't be thankful because this D makes no sense and it reduces me to a 45 percent father and she's going to get about $90,000 from me over the course of the next 10 years.

That's a real struggle for me.

FIBS, I'm glad you had a good weekend. I actually enjoy my weekends with the girls more now because I'm not constantly worrying about STBXW's mood and what she thinks we should be doing. She always complained I packed too much into the weekends for the girls. She wanted to just sit around and let them find their own fun.

There is a point to that -- but my feelings were the spend most of their time in school and weekends and summers are the time to get out and enjoy life. Pretty soon they aren't going to want to spend time with us.