I want to go back a few pages on these posts and ask you all a philosophical question… thinking of this today – regarding the MLCer not using “We” or “Our” – do you think it’s best if we continue to use our and we? – I was thinking of this today b/c it’s so apparent when I say “our” house and H says either (alternately) his house or my house. I wondered if me continuing to interject reality was a good or bad thing. I can’t make up my mind on that one. I’m trying to let him have space and so perhaps if I stop using those terms, he’ll feel better and more “spacier.” LOL
Quote:
Their love for the lbs never truly dies...it's buried so deeply while they are in crisis, but as they awaken and the depression lessens, their feelings begin to thaw out. No matter that you are separated, divorced or completely moved on, the feelings that they had will always be there in some form. Some have too much pride to admit it and others will freely admit it. It all depends upon the person.
AND going back again a few days… I’ve been reflecting on this. I think I’m starting to visually picture their MLC as having a component of bubble wrap and boxes. They compartmentalize their lives, and we are put in bubble wrap – along with their love for us - and into a box, and taped shut. But they forgot to put air holes in so every once in a while, we pop up for air and they get annoyed that their nice wrapping job gets wrecked. In any case, I’m rambling… but I like the idea of being in bubble wrap b/c it means that one day they’ll see that box and wonder what’s in it and when they open it up, the love is still intact because it’s all wrapped up nice and neat.
In other words, because they run so hard and so fast from us and their feelings in the beginning, they don’t actually do any real work at KILLING the love. Instead, they push those feelings to the side and ignore them, leaving them right where they dropped them. Which is good for us because it means the love will still be there and able to be rekindled since it wasn’t really killed. It’s like the cactus in the corner, it can survive a long time while you forget to water it, but one day, eventually, it will die. However, we have a long, long time before that happens.
And lastly, re: the children – your daughters will become stronger for this, and you’re right not to teach them detachment. You don’t want them jaded, just wiser. They will eventually forget the feelings attached to this time, but if they – God forbid – have to go through it with their own H’s one day, at least they’ll remember you example and have an inner strength from it. My SD16 and I call it poking the tiger and she does it. She knows I cannot and we’ve discussed giving Daddy space and not being mean. She just lashes out at him sometimes in anger, and sometimes I just let it go. For example, when he takes off for two days and she asks where he was, he ridicules her and calls her nosy in a nasty tone. She doesn’t lose her composure, she has been baby-sitting for so long, she knows how to handle a toddler… and she does so well. I’m proud of her, she’ll just keep calmly asking and then come to me and we laugh about it, but not in a mean way, just in a “daddy’s so weird” kind of way. It makes her feel better to let him know that he is not pulling the wool over her eyes, although he still somehow pretends that she doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s really strange how he can deceive even himself. Guess common sense goes into that bubble wrap box, huh?
M&H - love your "rambling" I like what you wrote about the bubble wrap, very clever.
It's very true that they compartmentalize. My H even told me so. When he was moving out he said "I sure will miss my office". I couldn't believe what he was saying...he is leaving me and D and everything that was once dear to him and all he thinks about is that he is going to miss his office? I asked him about that and he said "I separate everything into little boxes in my head and my office is in one of the boxes" It didn't make much sense to me at the time, but it does now.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I heard the same types of things from my H as he was moving out.
Men seem to be very good at compartmentalizing things. Wish I could get the hang of it. I have trouble separating things as when I try I find they're interconnected for me, and one thing leads to thinking about another. I can get trapped going around in circles.
I'm looking for the boxes in which to put my memories in and then the shelves to store them on.
I like what you wrote about the bubble wrap, very clever.