Still I am sorry but I felt the need to post to you again. I feel for you dude _ I really do. I have been where you are at. As Jack pointed out...I really want to help you NOT touch the damn stove.
Do you know what I mean? Let me help?
You Afraid of/that…
…that you are losing your W. Sorry to say…she is already gone. Does that mean gone forever? Who knows, only she does.
….That you may have to accept that you can’t talk your way out of this one. Yep..no talking..no reasoning. The spin will not work this time.
…..You’ve finally F-up enough that this may really be over.
…..of what the children going to think.
….that for the first time you may really need to look at your role in this
….that financially you may not be able to make it…
…that you may get screwed in this process.
…that you may be alone…..
All of that fear…well that sh*t is something that YOU will need to deal with. That’s right…I’m not gonna pus*y foot around this. So why the hel* am I posting to you….Cause I want to help you avoid the pain. I want your M to survive. The only way this will happen is if you really…and I mean really….stop trying.
Okay now your gonna say your not trying... Yes you are! YOu are trying to impose YOUR will on her. Yeah I know...but you love her...I get that...If you love her than let her go. Love her enough to give her the space that she wants. That my friend is love. Does that mean that you lie down and take it in the.... NO! It means that you let her go. That you become what you always wanted to be. AND YOU DO THIS FOR YOU.
Mach’s post was spot on! Stop f*cking trying.
You buddy are gonna F this up if you do not give up. Yep…give the f-up.
Look man…let me ask you a serious question….take the kids out of the equation…take the financial stuff out of the equation. Would you want to be with your W right now? Would you feel comfortable sleeping in the basement?
DO you want her back? I think you do? Do you really know if you do? What if she was sick and on her death bed? What would you do?
Feel free to go bounce around other web sites trying to find the magic pill that will “turn her around” – guess what…maybe you find something…maybe it works for a season…
I don’t know about YOU my friend…I want someone that wants me…not “needs me”…wants me.. I want someone that loves me for Me. Why - cause I have become what I always wanted. Guess what...I am one hell of a DAD...know this...YOU WILL TO...if you let go.
Finally – READ MACH post again…read it again and again…
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce.
Spot on!
Still,
When I say you need time to detach, I don't mean a few days or weeks etc. What helps move it along is the work you put into you.
Please be QUIET. This is HARD and it takes guts to get through it regardless of the outcome. Looking at oursleves and really seeing who we have become and that we fell short of who we wanted to be is not easy and it hurts.
If it helps to print this stuff out and re-read it every 5 minutes. Do it. You will get to where you can focus on something else for longer periods of time. Use it wisely and focus on you.
Sorry for the hijack but I figure stillt will benefit from the answers too ... feel free to come post on my thread instead, if that's more appropriate ... thanks!
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
I get that this is detachment ... but I guess I'm struggling with how ... I thought I was doing better with detachment but then I wonder how do I accept, one hundred percent, some of his actions and words? How do they not make me sad or hurt? Even if I understand where they are coming from, how do I fully, 100% get OK with them?
Originally Posted By: Mach1
And watch them improve themselves.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage. ....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."
Again .... how? I get it in theory, but in reality how do you agree with someone without resentment building over the fact that now only THEIR needs are important. It seems like it can only be one or the other, and since the needs are opposite I suppose that's true ... but didn't my H's resentment build out of him not getting his needs met? How do I avoid having the same thing happen?
We have kids ... what about their needs and rights?
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."
I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."
"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"
"Yeah, I want her back."
"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
I very much want to reach this level of detachment but am at a loss as to how to get there from here. Any help you can provide on how to actually move towards that place would be appreciated. I find a lot talk about needing to detach but specifics on what works might be helpful.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I get that this is detachment ... but I guess I'm struggling with how ... I thought I was doing better with detachment but then I wonder how do I accept, one hundred percent, some of his actions and words? How do they not make me sad or hurt? Even if I understand where they are coming from, how do I fully, 100% get OK with them?
When you can honestly understand that you are not part of this trip that he has to make.
Detaching is not a physical place....it is a state of mind. It is when all that you have learned , and the true reflection of yourself starts to shine, meet.
Everything that you are reading ( or supposed to be ) is to help you with understanding this monster called MLC. It is the accepting of that monster that brings one to a place of peace....called detachment.
It isn't easy, and it doesn't happen overnight. Any real change takes time.
When you can realize that you get to take the same trip of discovery that he does, only with your rational thoughts intact. Things begin to open up for you . You really DO NOT want to be in his head right now if he is MLC.
MLC is a long road, filled with bumps and unexpected turns that can throw you around like a rag doll if you let it....the key is .....Don't let it.
Take the time and do the work on yourself. Become who you want to be, the you that was lost underneath the marriage.
Detachment is hard to describe...
The best way I have found is....
When one does the right thing, not to induce a reaction, rather,regardless of the reaction.
Originally Posted By: PEImom_of_3
Again .... how? I get it in theory, but in reality how do you agree with someone without resentment building over the fact that now only THEIR needs are important. It seems like it can only be one or the other, and since the needs are opposite I suppose that's true ... but didn't my H's resentment build out of him not getting his needs met? How do I avoid having the same thing happen?
We have kids ... what about their needs and rights?
Easy there....
Kids have a way of making us Martyrs in their eyes...
Unless it is a dire emergency, and you CAN handle it......
Then handle it.
You may think that it needs his attention, it will more than likely be viewed as pressure, and guilt.
Originally Posted By: PEImom_of_3
I very much want to reach this level of detachment but am at a loss as to how to get there from here. Any help you can provide on how to actually move towards that place would be appreciated. I find a lot talk about needing to detach but specifics on what works might be helpful.
Then read.....read all that you can about MLC....Absorb what you read, take the time to work on yourself, and be patient with yourself.
If you can be patient, and learn......Detachment just kinda happens.....
It is truly a state of mind.......and a very peaceful one at that.....
I believe I have a WAW. After a big bunch of looking at myself and some of the prebomb mistakes I made and the attitudes I carried, I simply have to accept that. My W justs fits too well into the prebomb stages Mich describes, and what I see on the WAW forums vs what I see in some of these threads. There may be abit of MLC thrown in just for s#!^s and giggles, but I think my spouse is a WAW.
Not positive but fairly confident there was or is an EA at the least.
Just watched the last episode of LOST...sheesh, if you saw it and know what a LBH goes through or any LBS, I guess, then you may know how that episode ravaged me. (No spoilers, but if you know you know).
Going to bump over there now and concentrate on getting myself right in ways that are good for me. Still have that damn rope to drop, but I am trying.
I will check back as I have found your advice and stories both inspiring and helpful.
Kids have a way of making us Martyrs in their eyes...
Let not forgot OUR eyes.
Kids have a way of making us martyrs in our own eyes.
"How could they do this to the kids?" (Whine whine whine, with rising indignation bordering on rage)
ACTUALLY means:
"How could they do this to ME?" (Which I am not supposed to say but since I have kids I can get away with it if I just substitue some words)
Still,
find advice and inspiration where you can, and good luck. MLC advice is...long term goal oriented. I BELIEVE it can apply to almost any relationship situation but it is a heavy time investment...and some tactics have a chance of working quicker in different situations that are not MLC.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
