Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

Dang, he's really fast! I didn't even see that post!

Okay, I'm off to read. I get the feeling I'm not going to be cleaning my house again today.

Wow--y'all are fast! I hadn't even seen half of the posts here. Thank you so much for responding.

Am I sure I want this to be over? Emphatically...no. I still love him & want to stay married. And then I wonder *why?*. I don't even like him right now--but I love the man I married. I miss that man so very much. I think part of the reason I'm giving him the six months is that I'm consciously having a hard time believing that I want to stay married to a man who treats me this way. Having survived one abusive relationship, I always promised myself that I wouldn't endure another. Now here I am, feeling like I'm making excuses for someone who is going out of his way to hurt me.

By the way...I can hear all those bells going off in your heads right now. lol Yeah, I know I have issues. I've never denied that. In my other thread I addressed some things I'd done that contributed to H's current state. Or at least to the sitch that led him to the starting point.

So honestly...my head says "run", my heart can't say much of anything because it's just shattered. Saying "I think this is over" is just a way of protecting myself.

If I really thought this was over I'd file tomorrow & not bother with links & threads & books & forums.

I'm supposed to be acting "as if", so I'm acting as if I'm smart enough to throw in the towel. Truth is, I'm heartbroken, terrified, and very, very confused.

Hows that for a confession?
(trying to lol, but it's not working)

The beauty of this board is we've all seen and heard the same things you have. It's a long road, but you're not alone.

Hey there Shelbel, You are getting some fabulous advice over here.

I just want to comment on the abusive talk. You can not change him--that's not happening. He tries to engage you so he doesn't have to deal with his problems.

How to deal with it requires a change in you. You must learn to have a very neutral "script" or expression and you must leave his presence. Walk away and get busy--if he follows you, leave the house. If you are on the phone, say in a very neutral, quiet way, "I can't hear you when you are speaking to me this way. I hope we can have a better conversation later" and hang up.

If he says something like "You are so selfish" or "You are such a b*tch", my FAVORITE script is to say "Sometimes I am, and sometimes I'm not".

That stopped my H DEAD.lol. Love that one!! I only got to use it 2 times and it was so powerful he has NEVER said that sort of thing again!

Here are a few more:

"H, I don't like where this conversation is going and I am not prepared to discuss this".

"H, I need sanctuary now, please do not come in here again until you have calmed down."

"I need to cool off before we talk about this any further".

Be completely prepared to hang up, leave the house, or get busy doing other things. It is going to be tested--especially if he's gotten away with it for a while.

Your "list" of things is too controlling. You leave HIM to "think of the solution" by giving him what YOU need. It doesn't really matter "how" he gets those things to you, as long as you get them. (hitting himself in the head with a hammer, if it gets you what you want, is an option!lol)

"H, I need a man who takes care of himself so he can be a good father and husband"

Say it often--I tell you, it sinks in--always walk away though--don't let him get a hint of anything to focus on in you--let him only have THIS THOUGHT to focus on. Never say it where they can engage you in an argument about it. I say mine last thing before I hang up the phone or walk out the door.

Hope is a powerful thing--I pray you'll get some here. You are a nurse, think of him as being in a coma. How long would you wait for him to wake up?

Another fabulous book to add to your GREAT list, is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Very easy to understand, very powerful stuff.

While I feel that you are partially correct, don't dismiss the fact that you DID play a part in the breakdown of the marriage.

This is the mirror work that is hard.

Those are the things that YOU can control. Recognize them for what they are and deal with them on an individual level.

This statement leads me to believe that you did nothing wrong...

And no one person is perfect.


The "but" thing.....

Makes YOU an exception to the rules.....

Gives you an excuse to not do better.....





Really ?

And you have been reading up on MLC ?

Maybe you should read some more......

This timeline thing is bamboo under my fingernails Shel...

There is no timeline in MLC....

And the part that bothers me is....You rang a bell, that can't be un-rung...

You set a boundary that you may or may not be ready to enforce.

And now.......you have to , or it is the same old same old....

MLC is a different monster than you have ever faced down in your life...

Right now, if he is MLC, you are trying to have a rational discussion with a person incapable of rational thought and action.

You are dealing with a teenager......




Ya think ?

Was being controlling one of those issues ?

Shel,

Start with the resources that OP pasted for you....

You may have a different outlook after that....

I just really see you trying to control this whole thing still....

I agree,

You're setting the stage for failure with a timeline. I really hope read and learn a lot more about what your dealing with.

I'm all for boundaries, IF you are in a place to enforce them NO MATTER WHAT. If you're really ready for you're relationship to end when they are crossed. What you've written below tells me you're not.




This is where your focus needs to be placed.

You left out the part after that big *but* Mach...



I know there is a lot to read in the thread, as well as the last one, so I'll just briefly summarize what I've found out about me...

If anything, I'm placing too much of the blame upon myself. With the best of intentions, I led H down a path I thought he would be grateful to be on. I know I would have been if someone had done that for me. I ended up just putting more pressure on him when I honestly thought I was helping. After that first domino--the rest of it fell into place. I've done the mirror work. I'm trying to work on the healing part.







Ummm...no. Again addressed earlier in the thread--I'd been in the newcomers forum the entire time I'd been here & only just realized that this is, in fact, what we are dealing with.


I won't bother with anymore of your quotes because, quite frankly, the snarkiness leaves me unable to read them over again.

I came to the forum humbled, confused, having made a mistake and asking for help. What I got from you was a condescending, childish reply that really does not help at all.

I've been reading the resources page that OP gave me all morning. I'm am realizing the magnitude of my mistake. How is slamming me
helping at all? I've been lost in introspection all morning. perhaps you should dig deeper and figure out what about my post and sitch pushes all of your buttons & makes it necessary to respond with such an attitude.

Controlling enough for ya? I have real issues here. None of which include going out of my way to hurt a total stranger.

I'm going back to the resources list. There is real info there.

And thank you for that, OP. I do appreciate it.

And just for clarification purposes....

Failure means for YOU.....not your marriage.

You set yourself up full of expectations that have no chance of becoming real...

Then YOU feel like you have failed..

If you choose to do the work, there is little chance of that happening, regardless the outcome of your marriage.....

Buts are asses; Asses are mules (amongst other things). Mules are stubborn. Stubborn can be good, but only if you the to stubborn to lose type. If you are too stubborn to learn...

ehhh...you'd be better wasting your time elsewhere.

Alot of people noticed the 6 months.

: )

Tell you what.

No one here is really a professional marriage councillor.

Not every here saved their marriage.

But almost everyone here is a success.

And when a majority of people say the same thing, it might be in your best interest to REALLY listen...that goes for anything that is said that 'stings' you a little.

For example, if you are thin, and someone calls you fat?
That shouldn't sting.

If you are fat and someone calls you fat, but you are ok with your body? That won't sting either, and they are just a jerk.

If you are fat, don't like being fat, and someone calls you fat, it is going to sting. And THEN you need to figure out why...besides them being a jerk...if it bothers you being fat, then do something about it.


6 months...

IS a stupid timeline and unrealistic. There are no guarentees here, none. But I got money on one outcome if you only give this 6 months. : )

Any takers?

So much for actually reading the entire thread. Picking and choosing what you hear has worked well for you?

I have another thing to add to my list of mistakes apparently.

You should be proud. Well done.