I am supposed to say OK, because I don't want to say that. I want to continue DB'ing if I can but just not sure what to do next. (Aside from GAL & PMA). What do you make of this?
No, you do not have to tell him okay. Something along the lines of, "H, I hear you think you want a D. My preference would be to work on the M before we make such a huge decision. However, I cannot stop you if you choose to go this path. But it's my preference to work on the M." And leave it at that.
You can't fight it if he really wants it, but you do not have to help him file or feel better about his decision. My H was considering moving out back when we were in the thick of things, and I used the script (above) substituting "move out," instead of D. He ended up moving into another bedroom for an in-house S, and it worked out in the end. I wish I'd thought of it, but the script came from Cherrisher, and I try always to pass it along.
You keep working on you. He was shocked you didn't react poorly; that's a good thing. Anything that doesn't fit in his mental plan will cause him to question his actions little by little.
Living with his buddy will wear on him after a while, especially if you're looking upbeat and okay and happy without him. Even if you're dying on the inside, Act As If. Your life is freaking wonderful...so busy, so interesting, etc. Now, you have to go out and make it so--when this all happened to me, I found free concerts to go to, made new friends (we'd recently moved 2000-miles away and I didn't have any close friends here), joined a writer's group, read stacks and stacks of books, danced in my underwear (H caught me one time as I was dancing, getting ready to go out, and I KNOW he couldn't understand why I wasn't a puddle of unhappy goo)...do you see?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Yes I do! SD, That's just the kind of info I was looking for!! This is perfect, & it's just how I feel. Thank you for that gem of wisdom, Cherrisher too!
I am glad you were able to avoid an S. I hope things continue to improve for your R. Hearing your experience is incredibly helpful. This is tough, but I'm going keep at it. I need to keep remembering to work on me- you & others on this board are helping me to do that. :-)
There was a LOT of wisdom that just came from SD Found Girl (and many others)!
SDFG offered great advice on stating to your H your desire to work on the M, but acknowledging you cannot control him. That gives the issue back to your H to decide & put energy into the idea of pursuing a S or D. I agree that any steps you choose to take to make this easier for your H is not helpful to you, the M, and even to your H.
Also, I admire your ability (LFA) to maintain your composure in the midst of a very critical talk!
Take care, Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
L, Thank you for that input. I realize I made a mistake last week as I was leaving, by telling him we needed to talk some more maybe this weekend!! ugghh! (was trying to buy some time since I didn't know how to handle it). Well now he's just emailed me to set that up! I read on a wise post today NOT to give a time when to talk about D. But for sure I have some very good info thanks to you & SD, BillM & others who responded. Thanks for taking time to reply!! LFA
Hi LFA, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing, if any more D conversations have come up, and how you are handling them?
Thanks for posting on my stitch. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders in your situation, and are handling it very well. So hard to stay calm and composed when all you want to do is cry and beg. Sometimes I wonder if crying would make them give in or open up more, but sounds like common consensus is no, keep it together as much as possible.
Hi H, Thanks for checking in. Unfortunately no, I'm not having a good weekend, I may be in a crisis. But thanks for asking! Today H called me on his way over, saying he wanted to cut the grass. I had to be home to bathe one of our dogs so even though I didn't want to see him, because he'd want to "talk" again, said I'd see him later. Friendly, he asked if needed anything from store & was picking up dog food to bring over. Helped me bathe dog, etc. Unfortunately I played into his request to talk again, which as last weekend was more of the same. When I said I can't stop you but I prefer to work on the marriage, he said I know you do. But this is what I want. I held my line, kept emotions in check. Then he said he "informally" saw an attorney. Well, that kind of knocks it up a notch. My DB coach said in these conversations to put it back on him, not to help or make it easy. So I did not ask, what did he (atty) say? I just said well I have not. He pressed on - we need to talk about stuff, the house, the dogs etc. And can we talk tomorrow morning?? Nothing like trying to ruin my entire weekend!
He is trying to rush this, and frankly I'm not sure I should be talking to him about "stuff" if he's talking to an atty -informal or otherwise. Can anyone help? I need to stop agreeing to talk to him I know, but he's starting to really push this & I need to know if I have to get an atty. now. My heart is breaking but I'm also really worried about the next move. Anybody??
H, have you read the Divorce Remedy? If not, get it from your library or order used from Amazon. Keep posting & reading - there are some very helpful people on this board. I'm pulling for you!
It can never hurt to talk to A's. Most will have free consultations and you can get an idea of how these A's would handle your case if you need to retain one. And if you talk to an A, he should not be able to retain that one due to Conflict. Talk to as many as you can. Never going to hurt you.
Absolutely. Try to find the baddest A you can find and see if they offer free consultation. Most the time it just needs to be one in the same office and that's enough.
I am really down. When I said I wanted to work on the marriage he said there was nothing to work on. I am trying not to be discouraged but it's really hard. I wish I could buy some time but he just keeps wanting to discuss details. The timing is unbelievably cruel. Next weekend will be our 11th anniversary - we were married on a Sun. & next week our anniv. will be on a Sun. Trying to forget about that. I will keep repeating my mantra but I'm having a tough time.
