SecondChance, I don't believe a word that has come out of his mouth. In his mind, he thinks that he's reconciling. They talk about working on the marriage and relationship and yet, they do nothing about it. He's still in the fog and can't paddle up stream even with a lantern.
I would do what you need to do to protect you and your family financially. If he wakes up and can get his head screwed on straight, you can the reconsider getting back together, but unless he can show you that he is working very hard on reconciling and proving himself to you, i.e., doing all of the right things, etc., I wouldn't believe him right now. He means well, but his good intentions are not taking care of you and your family.
You have to be the grown up here...and do what you need to do to protect your assets/finances.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It just feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen. I can't do ANYTHING to fix this. So the days go by, and time passes, and he moves on, and the processes go forward, and the relationship we had continues to disappear.
He said we should "date" like we did in our second year of dating, BEFORE we got married. I was so young, and I had no kids, or job, or responsibilities. He can do that because he has no family obligations now, but how can I?
And yet he insinuates that if I don't do this, how will he know if he wants to be with me? Because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is not there for him (which I'm not, because I live in a different city and raise our kids and work full-time).
Second Chance, If he really wants to be with you - YOU WILL KNOW. He will do anything to be back with you. From what you are describing, he sure is not acting that way now. For now don't believe anything he says or does. Protect your interests.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you, Mila. How can you tell that from what I wrote? I see totally conflicting messages in what he said, but on the other hand, he's not trying to "close the door".
I read over your sitch just now too. Alot of similar things, our house also was the one where all the kids friends came to. We knew each other since forever. People would always think fro the outside that we had a wonderful relationship and family.
We were still very intimate when the bomb dropped. How weird is that?
But different too, we don't work together, that must be really tough. You are quite clearly a very strong person. He must respect you for that.
I also wonder if the distance thing works in your favor, he's not really going to move to a far away city is he? She's really not going to leave her kids so far away is she? They can't really see each other much now. And you seem to be getting really good advice. I don't really know anything about DB, being in this place for all of several months now and very confused about it, but it certainly sounds like there could be some things about your sitch that work in your favor!
Why do you think that he thinks that he's reconciling? Are you sure? Or is he just playing games to promote whatever best benefits him? He "seems" so sincere when he's standing in front of me. But then he goes away, and I can feel in my heart that he's not there.
I'm guessing from your post that you don't think he's coming back. When you say "If he wakes up... you can reconsider getting back... but unless..." and so on. Or am I just reading too much into this?
I have read just about every book in the bookstore, online, websites, posts here... sort of my personality that when I get involved in a topic I kind of immerse myself in learning about it. Doesn't really make anything change though. Makes me think about it too much, maybe, lol!!
What happens if I don't want this gift, to make me into a better person? I already went through my own personal struggles to be a better person in this second half of my life, and I did it without having affairs or breaking up my family. I liked me. I liked us. I liked my life. I don't want to date other men, search for someone new, work myself crazy and raise the kids on my own. I hate that they don't have the experience of growing up in the loving family that they had. Why would anyone do this?!!
Why "oddity"? It certainly doesn't seem so rare around here, and given the commonalities in all these posts on the board, far from odd!! What do I know though! I don't get it at all. I could never do this to my loved ones, my family. Maybe that's the secret. Maybe they really don't love us anymore. Still amazes me that you can go through that much of a life adventure with someone, then hurt them more than anyone else in your life.
Why should I keep him in my prayers? Is that going to fix any of this? Is that going to return my husband to me? Can I ever forget all this? Will my children ever forget seeing him leave, and leave again, and break apart everything they thought was warm and secure? His family says he is a good man, then cut off all communication with me. Nice!
Thanks, peacetoday! I think I'm out of rants, I didn't mean to rant at the people who responded, I'm just so angry and frustrated and sad about all this! My H has gone through an unbelievable amount of cash getting a luxury place to live, then decorating it in designer furniture, for his new life I guess. We have the old ratty couches and mismatched pieces of furniture. The only thing he took after the house sold was our kitchen table and chairs, then he sold it to the movers for $10!! He says it wouldn't match where we live now anyways.
Hi SC...you are not ranting...you just want to know what the heck is going on? What the heck happened to your life as you knew it....I too, thought all was well in my M!!!
Sounds like you have been doing lots of reading and that is good! I needed to do that too!
You do need to protect yourself financially! You have to think of yourself and your children. Read the resource threads that OP sent you...very, very good!!! You will get thru this!!! You sounds like a strong woman!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
It's helping, sort of, at least it sounds a bit more rational then everything going on around me!
It's good to hear from other people who have gone through some of this, because no one around me has, and they don't understand, and even make it worse sometimes.
My family, for example, every event they plan they just do so, and lots of times I don't even have my children on those dates or times -- they are with H. And they don't seem to care, they just don't get it. So when we should be getting out around family and support, my parents and sibs are all doing things without us, my kids are excluded, and I am alone. Yuck.
