yes, i am angry at myself for not speaking up. and now it's too late. there were no boundaries. i don't like having to deal with this mess.
Your choice. You still got the mess either way you go. Sucks to be you.
Quote:
i don't understand - a sign that i'm not done?[quote]
Right you are not done. You would be numb beyond detached. You can't stop thinking about him. Get out of victim mode. Do you want to try and fix this is? What's better for you?
[quote]because i haven't said my piece and i'm ready to let it rip during mediation?
How does that help you?
Quote:
i wasted my time on an a*hole. and i hate myself for having done that.
OK, that's how you feel, I get it. How long you going to stay stuck there? How productive is feeding these feelings?
You are confused because you lack vision. Leaders have a vision on where they are going. Tell yourself something positive today. Make yourself happy. Trying loving yourself instead of hating yourself.
You are the only one who can get yourself out of the mess. You can stay in it and spread it or rise above it. You get to choose your path.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
i would no longer be the victim. i would stand up for myself. it would make up for not having spoken up during the marriage. setting boundaries and speaking up would have ended the marriage anyway. what do i have to lose now by tearing him a new one? i've already lost my m. he hates me because he thinks i'm a gold digger. what more can i lose? nothing.
i can see myself going off on him in the mediation session. and at that point, not even my L can stop me from shooting my mouth off.
Quote:
You are confused because you lack vision. Leaders have a vision on where they are going. Tell yourself something positive today. Make yourself happy. Trying loving yourself instead of hating yourself.
i had a vision. i wanted to buy a house and have a baby. "well-meaning" friends have told me to wait because it's all based on emotion. like i said, he could be doing things based on emotions. nobody is stopping him. i don't see why i can't do what i need to do even if it is based on emotion.
i just know i can't sit here and do nothing. i've been asked several times what i want. i want equity. at first, i wasn't sure if i wanted a family. but then i don't see why i should give that up. i'm 37 and no spring chicken. i need to do this now. this is how i plan to move on. i wasted my best years and hard earned money on an a*hole. i don't need people to tell me to wait because the longer i wait, the less likely i will achieve my dreams. maybe this d is a blessing. <-- there is my positive for the day. i'm not going to waste any more time. life is too short. i've never had a casual relationship before. in this day and age, serious relationships don't exist.
Quote:
You are the only one who can get yourself out of the mess. You can stay in it and spread it or rise above it. You get to choose your path.
i'm trying to think of a way to escape. i don't even want to go home. maybe go home with somebody else. i just know i don't want to be here.
i just know i can't sit here and do nothing. i've been asked several times what i want. i want equity.
What exactly does that mean to you?
Quote:
maybe this d is a blessing. <-- there is my positive for the day.
So how will this experience help you be in a better place?
Quote:
in this day and age, serious relationships don't exist.
BS.
Quote:
i'm trying to think of a way to escape. i don't even want to go home. maybe go home with somebody else. i just know i don't want to be here.
So where do you really want to be? Here is your escape for the night- go pick up a copy of "Oh, the Places You Will Go." by Dr Suess.
I'll ask you again. What are you doing to reconcile or get yourself in a stronger position if you D? Escape or do the work. Your choice.
Cheers
ps 37 is not old.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
it means my hard work has paid off. i work hard. and i worked hard for a long time. i wanted to be a homeowner even before getting married. i have something to show for after all my effort. i can be proud of it. it's a milestone in my life. what do i have now? i have nothing. i'm 37. i don't have a home, i don't have a m, i don't have a family. what do i have? i have nothing. this is not me.
Quote:
So how will this experience help you be in a better place?
i certainly wouldn't do this again. i would shut the door on that ever happening again. who needs that kind of drama? i don't have another 15 lbs to lose. otherwise, my organs will begin to shut down. my focus would be on other areas of my life. mainly work. just work hard, be financially independent.
Quote:
I'll ask you again. What are you doing to reconcile or get yourself in a stronger position if you D? Escape or do the work. Your choice.
the question is really whether i want to reconcile. i am so full of anger that i don't think reconciling is an option. i'm not being given an option to fix it. i don't have a choice. he's checked out and way ahead of me. what would be the point of reconciling? what bugs me most is that when i say things like "he thinks ...." you tell me to stop thinking for him. when he dropped the d-bomb on me, he basically came to that conclusion by thinking for me. he told me that intimacy was neither a priority or passion. how does he know that? he isn't me. yet he made that conclusion himself. he also told me that if we didn't have children, i would resent him later on. again, how does he know that?
if intimacy is a theme here, then how do i prove that intimacy is not a problem for me? should i really go out and find someone to prove that it isn't a problem? i can't prove it with words. i have to prove it with my actions.
i don't see a window of opportunity to fix it. if he's way ahead of me and he's "checked out". then why am i bothering?
how am i making things better for me after d? the house. the baby. i won't let things like a d stop me from living or achieving what i want. emotions-based or not. if i stopped living, then he will have won. i wasted so many of my years on him. trying to have a baby with someone who probably couldn't. and didn't have the guts to tell me that the problem was in him. i wasted all that time on him. if i didn't have a baby, then he would have won. i don't want to rely on someone in order to have a baby.
i did something to cure my frustration. i joined a new squash club. i can go 7 days a week now. i don't have to think about filling my time with stuff. it's been filled. i played tonight. i had so much fun. it took my mind off of everything. i played hard. met new people. and yes, i smiled.
it really does straighten out my mind. better than yoga. yes, it's late. but when you're tired out from squash, it might even help me fall asleep.
I take full responsibility for my actions here.. in this post. I know.. they are "Emotional". But to be honest with you.. I Don't care.
Cause.. you asked for them.
You talk about how there is no plan.
But.. you don't wanna hear the plan.
I heard your plan. I read it.. I voiced my opinion.
DB.com allows for you to test your plan.
So I say.. go for it. Do it all.
Forrest Gump.. seal of approval on it all.
Buy a house.
Have sex with "someone".
Fight for what is yours.
Show him you can do your own thing.
Be the gold digger.
Sit across the table and give him and his L the look.
If you need help with planning any of this out.. let me know.
I am behind you 100%
All I ask in return.. is that in 6 months to a year you come back and post where you are. Honestly.. I suspect you won't come back and post. Prove me wrong.
------------------------------------------------- Cupcakes.. a simple thing like cupcakes.. throw you for a loop.
Lemme just point out.. that the loop happened even before you baked them.
he told me that intimacy was neither a priority or passion. how does he know that?
it's how he feels - it's emotional, it's what he wants, it's his LL, it's the connection he wants, it's how he feels loved by his woman, he didn't "see" it from you, it's his perspective, it's real to him, it's your problem to help solve if you love him, it's a gift to know what he really wants, it will get you what you want
Quote:
he isn't me
first thing you said that made any sense in a while. can you really "see" him? mind reading is the result of not have real dialouges. then the resentment builds from unmet needs. "the look" supposedly conveys how you really feel but it really creates walls for you to hide behind and him to back away from. boundaries are where one person starts and the other begins (he isn't me).
you can stay mad behind your wall or you can do the work. all parties must come to a end that includes pity parties.
Quote:
then why am i bothering?
I am asking myself the same question.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
when he dropped the d-bomb on me, he basically came to that conclusion by thinking for me. he told me that intimacy was neither a priority or passion. how does he know that? he isn't me. yet he made that conclusion himself. he also told me that if we didn't have children, i would resent him later on. again, how does he know that?
if intimacy is a theme here, then how do i prove that intimacy is not a problem for me? should i really go out and find someone to prove that it isn't a problem? i can't prove it with words. i have to prove it with my actions.
If you were married, and he had come to you with these deep-seated fears, would you have listened to him? I see a pattern of EXTREME resistance--you have some wonderful help here and you resist. You are busy with the "evidence" that you did it all right, and H was all wrong. Was this a pattern your H become discouraged with?
You just need to DO SOMETHING --it can be small!! You are so busy proving us all wrong--Do something and THEN prove us wrong.
Well.. that leads to the question.. how resourceful are you?
And can you find me?
I do check the Alt every once in a while.
So.. the short answer is yes.
The long answer is you are gonna have to "Work" for it as I can't tell you how. If you are smart.. and have been paying attention you can most likely find the way.
by the way..
Welcome back.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
