Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

There is some supposition there, but I think the important part is that you want a different kind of relationship. So does your husband. Not sure what that different kind of relationship is that he wants. Not sure what that different kind of relationship you want is either. I think it's time you found out what type of relationship you want. Specifically, and while you're at it, stop saying he needs to grow up. It's possible that's the case, but I think this needs to be about you for right now. We'll loop him back in later, OK?
This is much much better. These are "I" statements and they tell us how you feel without being accusatory as much. You need to work on this part. Stop blaming, and start expressing. Blame is worthless in this arena, so you know. I can tell you from experience. Expressing your feeling though, that's what we can help with. We can listen. We can empathize. We can relate. Those feelings seem very normal to me. They seem very familiar as well.
No. I know how you feel. Many of us do or else there would be no reason to be here, right? And yes, you would move on - it'll take time, but you would. Everyone is capable of that and you are as well. But I am not suggesting that. I'm suggesting you take a long hard and open minded look at yourself, and then at your situation. You will eventually anyway, why not get ahead of the curve? Start with looking at you. At the things you can change. No, at the things you want to change about you, and about your relationships.
What is it you want from a relationship? I can say that one thing that stands out is that you want to feel important to the other person. How would that person show you that you are important day to day?
These things are important. It's important that you know and have clarity around what you want and what you need. Because if you don't know, nobody else would either. And if you do know, then you can articulate, communicate it, and get it.
What I'm trying to do is to get you to imagine yourself happy with "somebody". That somebody may be your husband, but it may be nobody but you. I'm trying to get you to break this elephant down into digestible pieces and get you to see things a little differently than you do right now. Not because I'm mean and nasty, but because you are still in shock from some of what I've seen. You are still processing. I'm trying to give you a way to process. Take the opportunity and process those things you can now.

AJ

the unaccounted for days?
we'd drive out to see my family on the odd weekend.
my family would come out to visit us for a weekend once a year in the summer.
the other times, it's football, hockey, basketball games on tv.
yard work, house chores, etc.
squash two nights a week
we spent a lot of times shopping for stuff. From one furniture store to another looking for the right piece.
you know how difficult it was to find the right sofa? oh boy.
in november to mid-december, i have to get the christmas cards written up and sent out because heaven forbid the cards arrive late.
we also have to shop for my family and i have a huge family.
even though there are only three in their family, we end up buying 5-6 gifts per person. it's just the way they do things at christmas. okay, that's fine. but it sucks so much of our time looking for 6 unique gifts for each person.
this past christmas, i wrapped maybe 50 presents for both families. i spent time decorating our home for the holidays. i did those things for h because it was a big deal for him.
in the end, he walked away with my effort. and i am sad about that. it's not the items that i'm sad about. it was my effort. i spent the time designing stuff for the house and in the end, he walked away with it. and he had the gall to say that i didn't put in any effort into our home. i feel very used. and he won't even leave me with the only good memory i have of us and that's my wedding ring and my wedding jewellery.

certain times in the year, work gets busy for him.
a few times i went to his office and i sat in on calls.
one night, we left at 11:30 pm. i'd go out to get dinner for both of us and we'd sit in his office together on a call and ate dinner at the same time. i'd give him a neck and trap massage while he talked. that was my QT with him. i made the effort.


my list was very plain because i didn't get silly.
my L wants me to be honest. that's all he asked for.
and i was. i didn't get stupid with my list.

i guess my "planning out the attack" is like my way of setting boundaries. that i will not get pushed around like that.


forrest, i flip from one extreme to the other. and i don't know how to get to the middle. i'm finding it too difficult to detach from an emotional standpoint. i don't know if i need a new ic. she didn't think i was in that bad of a shape. although she wants me to focus on me. the problem i have with ic is that there is no accountability. if you ask me to focus on me, there is no follow up. i need to find something to do when the urge or feelings start to rush through my veins.

you know what i really want to do? i want to hit the kickboxing gym. put on the gloves and just kick/punch the living crap out of the punching bag until i'm exhausted.

i feel like i'm fighting death. i know that gary chapman says that you're not dead until the death certificate is signed. what am i supposed to do? look happy so he can say i'm happier without him and that this was the right thing to do?

when is the right time to contact him? am i supposed to? i've always made the first move. do i have to in this case as well?

dumped.

currently on ipod: "it only hurts when i'm breathing" shania twain.

FG,

i appreciate your attention to my thread. i actually look forward to your response. i read some of your thread and responses. i wanted to know how you went from hopeless to your turning point. but somehow i couldn't find it. i respect your advice.

i think i made mistakes in my m. i think i overreacted at times when i shouldn't have, and i underreacted on occasions when i probably should have put my foot down. i have learned that my 'look' is quite threatening. i don't hide my feelings when i am being snarky. i make it known that you don't f*k with me. i never wanted to be pushed around by anybody. and i think i took it to a bit of an extreme. btw, when his parents left after christmas, i gave his mother the "look" when she looked at me with teary eyes. i saw through that act as she said how she could not live without her son.

i think i'm strong. when i use my head and not my heart, i am make good decisions. that is the GG that my friends, colleagues, and family see. i hate relationships because the heart is now involved. the part of me that i guarded for so long. the look must come from the heart. cuz i don't have a "look" when i use my brain.

"stop, drop, and roll". so much work to be done.

That seems important. The guarding. Why would you guard your other feelings? That's not a way to be connected. That's a way to push people away. Ironically, it's protecting yourself that causes most people to get hurt....

Many things to work on. Start with you. Start with focusing on you and being honest in the things you can improve. I'm not going to say correct, because you are who you are. Improvement is what I think is more important. Find those things that you don't like about yourself and improve them. Always. Always. Always improve. Do the work.

AJ

journaling.

despite the counselling session last night.
the heart hurts today.
i know it's supposed to get worse before it gets better.
but it hurts a lot today.
as i sit here and read the posts, my eyes well with tears.
i'm so scared.
i am afraid that i am left to wander the earth by myself.
yes, i can handle it. but do i want to?
what do i want?
i want to wander the earth with my best friend.
adventures are better shared than experienced alone.

like the song goes - it only hurts when i'm breathing.

i need to keep myself occupied for the weekend.
i don't know what i have planned. but i'm sure money will be spent.
hopefully not too much.
i will definitely hit the gym. yoga isn't helping.
i will keep my promise and try to smile more.
i wish there was something to smile about.

time to book that getaway.
first vacation alone. just do it.

DM, you are doing very well. Really. You are really starting to express your pain and feelings without just blaming and lashing out. I see that as improvement. It hurts. It really does. Scary? Yep. It is.
It takes time to change your viewpoint. It takes time to focus on you. It takes time....

Keep the money reigned in. Be disciplined in that regard. That sets you apart and will keep you from cycling on the roller coaster of guilt later.

Enjoy your weekend. Get out. Be with people. Make some new friends. Smile, even if you don't want to. Just so your face doesn't forget even if you don't feel like smiling

AJ

"the unaccounted for days?"

My comment was a statement.. not a question.

I was supposed to impose upon you.. that you were missing the good times.

"we'd drive out to see my family on the odd weekend.
my family would come out to visit us for a weekend once a year in the summer.
the other times, it's football, hockey, basketball games on tv.
yard work, house chores, etc.
squash two nights a week
we spent a lot of times shopping for stuff. From one furniture store to another looking for the right piece.
you know how difficult it was to find the right sofa? oh boy.
in november to mid-december, i have to get the christmas cards written up and sent out because heaven forbid the cards arrive late.
we also have to shop for my family and i have a huge family.
even though there are only three in their family, we end up buying 5-6 gifts per person. it's just the way they do things at christmas. okay, that's fine. but it sucks so much of our time looking for 6 unique gifts for each person.
this past christmas, i wrapped maybe 50 presents for both families. i spent time decorating our home for the holidays. i did those things for h because it was a big deal for him."

Waffle inc...

"in the end, he walked away with my effort. and i am sad about that. it's not the items that i'm sad about. it was my effort. i spent the time designing stuff for the house and in the end, he walked away with it. and he had the gall to say that i didn't put in any effort into our home. i feel very used. and he won't even leave me with the only good memory i have of us and that's my wedding ring and my wedding jewelery."

And back to normal...

"certain times in the year, work gets busy for him.
a few times i went to his office and i sat in on calls.
one night, we left at 11:30 pm. i'd go out to get dinner for both of us and we'd sit in his office together on a call and ate dinner at the same time. i'd give him a neck and trap massage while he talked. that was my QT with him. smile i made the effort."

Can you "see" from that how easy it is to get sucked into the "Emotion"?

At the very least.. you and your H are at the same "field".

Let's call it the Field of Emotion.

You both came in separate cars. Both of the "support teams" came with. They are setting up their chairs on opposite side's. Or if it is a squash "field" they are all sitting behind you on opposite sides. They (support crew) are gonna point out the "weakness" of the other "team/player".

So.. if we take that "thought" and expand on it.. who is gonna "win" the game?

Your answer would most likely be "The Better Player".

So how do we define that?

What does the "Better Player".. bring with him or her?

A good Coach?

A focused mind?

An understanding of the game?

What else?

Ask any professional "player" why they lost.. be it a team game.. or a one on one game.. what are they gonna say?

I heard you like questions.

"i actually look forward to your response."

Does it make you smile?

"i read some of your thread and responses."

So.. now you know I am "crazy".

"i wanted to know how you went from hopeless to your turning point. but somehow i couldn't find it."

Well.. the turning point is around.. I think it was a response to FB2. Long story short.. I had decided that I wanted nothing to do with the "drama". Not only the "drama" that I created with my reactions.. but the "drama" that was coming from her. I got a phone call from "OM". Basically the phone call was a joke.. that came at 4am. I was done with her and everything she stood for. She had crossed the "unhealthy" line a few weeks back. I was moving on. I needed for her to understand that this was her choice. I had nothing to do with it. We had not talked in a month'ish at that point. Don't know that I can give you the exact words I said.. It is hard to put my mind back into that situation.

"i think i made mistakes in my m. i think i overreacted at times when i shouldn't have, and i underreacted on occasions when i probably should have put my foot down. i have learned that my 'look' is quite threatening. i don't hide my feelings when i am being snarky. i make it known that you don't f*k with me. i never wanted to be pushed around by anybody. and i think i took it to a bit of an extreme."

This is what is important. The good news is that you have a chance to change that perception. You played the game and "lost".. you watched the tapes and saw where you screwed up.. where you could improve.

Use that knowledge to the best of your ability.

It begs you to be understanding.

It teaches you to think smarter.

Right now.. he is winning with his actions.

His goal is a D.

Why can't your actions and goals be completely different?

oops.
i know it's late (1:55 am). sorry.


person who was more prepared or had a game plan?


a bit.
but it makes me think.
it makes me use my brain and not my heart.

like when coach throws questions at me.
when he started asking me questions unrelated to m or r, i used my brain. the questions lead to what he wants me to learn.

same with the questions you throw at me. i have to think. use lots of examples. i have to see a pattern in the examples. that's how i start processing things with the brain and not the heart.

i can see what triggers an emotional response from me. it really depends on the advice i am given. if i am being told what to do, i dig my heels. if you make it come from me, then i am likely to be convinced.


just a complete nutjob.
that's why you get it when i rant and just lose it. see posts from last week.


i don't want you to recall it here. i rather you just point me to it and i'll read it from there. i don't want to make you re-live that period of your life.


i don't see my h so i don't know if he will ever see this change in me. i gotta figure a way on how to practice not giving that look though.

i have to be a bit creative. i said that when i use my brain, i don't give the look. if you ask people like my co-workers or friends, they will tell you that i don't have a threatening "look". at work or with friends, i don't use my heart. just my head.

with h, the heart is involved.


i don't know. i hope that if i do change this part of me, that i can maintain it and that it would become natural.

tonight, i spent time with a friend for coffee at the local Starbucks. she said i was too thin and needed to be fattened up. i gotta eat better ..

thanks for hanging around.

"person who was more prepared or had a game plan?"

You can't answer a question with a question.

That gets you no where.

You doing that just implies that you know what to do.. but you are scared. Or.. not ready.

What is your game plan? How prepared are you?

"a bit.
but it makes me think.
it makes me use my brain and not my heart."

So it is a quirky smile? I am alright with that.

"i can see what triggers an emotional response from me. it really depends on the advice i am given. if i am being told what to do, i dig my heels. if you make it come from me, then i am likely to be convinced."

Actually I was kinda impressed with Coach asking the questions. What was he doing with that post? What can you learn from it? I felt a bit of "Emotion" in Coach's "question post". It was almost a "Crazy" post. Last I heard he was gonna retire. Maybe he is still looking for something?

"just a complete nutjob. smile
that's why you get it when i rant and just lose it. see posts from last week."

Hey.. I resemble that remark!

"don't want you to recall it here. i rather you just point me to it and i'll read it from there. i don't want to make you re-live that period of your life."

DB.com.. well it just sucks to search. With the random locking.. and moving to archive.. yea might as well pee into the wind. Links stop working.. stuff gets screwy.

It was either here...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1422784#Post1422784

or here..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1416755#Post1416755

I think.

I did not have an active presence here. I did not journal it out. Chalk it up to me being different. I will look thru the link's tomorrow and make sure it's there. If you beat me to it let me know and I will try and find it. I have come under fire cause I don't have everything here.. All nice and neat. It was not my intention.. it just happened that way. Sometimes.. it is hard to go back and fix your wrongs. Sometimes.. it is just better to move on.. and show people.

"i don't see my h so i don't know if he will ever see this change in me."

Well.. right now.. not sure I want you to see him.

I suspect there will be some chances.. soonish.

If not.. we can create some.

"i gotta figure a way on how to practice not giving that look though."

Really? I would have never guessed.

"i have to be a bit creative."

Go on...

"if you ask people like my co-workers or friends, they will tell you that i don't have a threatening "look". at work or with friends, i don't use my heart. just my head."

I am confused.. thought your H was your BFF. Why do you look at him different?

Oh.. that's right.. he should know what you are thinking.

He married you and everything.

Silly me.

"i don't know. i hope that if i do change this part of me, that i can maintain it and that it would become natural."

It is easy to do what comes naturally. Look at what you have done.. all because he should really know.. what you were thinking.

"tonight, i spent time with a friend for coffee at the local Starbucks. she said i was too thin and needed to be fattened up. i gotta eat better .."

And sleep more.

"thanks for hanging around."

The only reason I am here.. is because I think you have something to show me.

I appreciate your words. It will mean so much more once you actually do something.

The "Work" is all laid out. It is in the posts.

What now?

look who's back.


yes, i am scared.
i am afraid of having the wrong game plan.
it's like you have one chance at this.
everyday i feel the lump in my throat get bigger and bigger.
it's like the bigger the lump, the more pessimisitic i get.
i'm not prepared. i don't even know how to start attacking this.

the only thing i've gotten from the posts is that i need to:
1. start thinking - about what? my future?
2. work on myself - smile more, think about what i want, stop reacting to his digging, eat, sleep.

i've already stated what i wanted in my m.
i want my BFF back.
i want to be able to laugh with him.
i want to be the one.

forrest, you know how some people say that men want what they can't have? the only way that h will know that he can't have me is if i am with someone new. because he knows that i'm not the type to date. i really don't want to date others. but i can't help but think .. would that wake him up?
btw, i'm actually afraid of dating. you told me in an previous post that i should not put myself in a situation with another man. i am really naive and i am afraid that i would unwittingly put myself in a dangerous situation. could i make my h realize that he can't have me without being with someone else? or is this a bad game plan?


i hope coach doesn't retire. there's one more m to save and it's mine.
coach was db-ing me in the post.
when i saw the post and it only contained questions, i thought it was more of an exercise to get me to focus on me. i actually figured it out when i initially read the post. i answered the post as expected because i knew that the objective was to put the focus back on me. i could have ignored it and continued to rant. but for my own mental well-being, i had to try.

what kind of emotion did you get from coach's question post? i looked at it from a pure "technical" standpoint. it was like an interview and i just use my brain and not my heart to answer. no heart involved = no emotion for me.


i spent some time looking through the archives but i didn't get to the links you provided me.


i haven't tried to see him. no run-ins either.
my next anxiety attack will come when we have to sit down with the mediator and hammer out the remainder of our agreement. what happens in that room will make or break me.

i am really scared. i hate conflict. i hate fighting like this.


with h it is different because the heart is involved.
if i remove the heart and he becomes just an ordinary joe, then that would mean i have no feelings for him.

he may not know what i'm thinking. in his world, it's him and his parents.

married me? no, that was a mistake according to his parents.


i don't know what i am anymore. i no longer have that effect on him.


oh boy. this i really need. i average around 5 hrs a night. not good for me.


i'm slowly working on me.
i've kept myself busy. bought some new clothes here and there.
i make sure i'm still grounded.
you know what really made me relax and happy?
the prospect of actually buying my own home.
i went to the bank and asked about a pre-approved mortgage.
i found out what i can afford.
having borrowing power made me feel like i was one step closer to what i achieving my goal.
for that moment, i didn't care about h.
i didn't think about whether he was with someone or not.
i just didn't care.
it was about me and what i wanted.
i thought about taking time off for my birthday.
i would sacrifice the trip to achieve my goal of owning a home.
i know you say not to do it yet. but the planning has me excited and it has me focusing on me. with a goal in mind, i am able to put a plan together.
i don't care who is there with me at the end, but i'll be happy knowing that i was able to do this regardless of my situation.

why can't i do this with my m?
the end goal is to have a better, improved m.
i don't know how to achieve that. working on me doesn't guarantee me an m in the end.
i've stopped reading other posts around here because all i hear is how db-ing didn't save their m but they saved themselves.
it's too negative for me. that's not my end goal.
why do we need to save ourselves when we all know that with time we will move on and we will be okay?
this is why i'm looking to buy a house now.
i don't want to wait until the d papers are signed and then ask "okay, now what?"
if it doesn't get to that stage, great. but it would be a while before our m is back on track. we couldn't move back in together anyway.

sigh ..

GG