Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Is this piecing?

Hi H4L

Im just starting piecing, was separated from H for about six months, he starting coming home and spending more and more time here. Over the last month he spent more time here than at his place and now he has found someone to take over his place..

Its not easy we have one boundary that is causing problems, but its slow and often quite painful to be together, you want overwhelming happiness to be back and romance but its not like its more like drilling for oil! So if youre the same welcome to piecing lol!

If you feel its going that way only you know as you know your H best.. so welcome to this section of the forum and good luck with the next stage!

LR - thank you. I will check up on your thread. Well H has been out of our house for seven months. We just started MC. We are closer than before, but yes, it's not the rush to romance I dream of. Slow and painful is a good description. H still has his apt. but he is here 3-4 nights per week and this week has been here all week. The past month or so, he has been showing up more often = not overnight, but to hang out with family. He has talked about going on a vacation with us, but has waffled...

I am still waiting for him to want to spend more time with me alone without S. However, this week, he and I went out on our first "date" and watched a movie at home for the first time in many months.

Feels like piecing, seems to be, although I keep R talks to MC only. But in my gut, I do feel there is movement toward us/ me again.

May I ask you - what did you do to encourage H to come back, start spending time together again, move back home? I'm wondering how to do it without pursuing, pushing, but I don't want to wait forever!~

AFter being inspired by LR earlier tonight, I placed as my next goal H hanging out here more often - of his own choice. Sure enough, I didn't know if H was going to stay the night here tonight or not, so I prepared myself for either. He did stay, and we watched some comedy on tv - something we used to always do when we were together, and hadn't done before this week. It was great to hang out alone together, laughing.

H started a R talk before bed. This is unusual - he usually avoids R talks and especially at night when he has isolated and avoided talking to me. H spoke more openly than before of his internal debate over reconciliation. Up until very recently, he has spewed the usual WAS script of "things won't change, we should have broken up years ago, etc" but tonight he was clearly on the fence evenly . This is progress.

H said sometimes he thinks we shouldn't be together, sometimes he thinks he is avoiding intimacy. He admitted to me that he regrets many past mistakes, although has not been vulnerable enough to admit what they are. He has not admitted this to me before; until now it has been H saying he will see if I change, and that I need to hear what I did to mess things up. In other words, he was way more open and less alien and blaming.

Still not the full commitment I hope for, but incredible positive steps.

I continue to act "as if" we will be back together and this is helping too. I am more relaxed and avoid R talks. We have more fun together because I'm not needy and panicked. H has been kinder and more willing to laugh at his own issues. I also continue to GAL so that I don't get disappointed - looking for a job, hanging out with girlfriends, etc. I had invited H to a live comedy show for New Years and was disappointed that he didn't want to go. H claimes it's because it's too expensive and he's seen enough of that comic's work. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and not feel rejected. I invited my dad instead who loves this comic. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that my h and I won't be going out, I am going to go anyhow. I wouldn't have done this a few months ago.

H will be at home anyhow with S so when I return, we will still ring in the New Year together. No physical affection yet, but I can still hope for a kiss, can't I?

Help! Comments welcome!

Well MC was interesting - I guess "normal" from what I read on these boards, but I'm depressed.

H goes into what "he should have done differently" in our R since early on. Apparently "it was clear" to him that "I" had particular issues he "should have never put up with" from the beginning. H claims he was going with convention, not his true feelings, when agreeing to move in with me, and I assume I will hear more along the same lines as to marrying me, having a child, etc.

The depressing part is all of his "regrets" at his "own choices" were in not drawing a stronger line with ME or keeping more distance FROM ME. No mention of his abusive tendencies. No openess to what I have suffered. I made the point that it went two ways and that there were things that "I should have drawn a line with him" about but I was trying to listen and validate. I did own up to my tendency to engage in fights with him and that I also should have drawn the line with myself. But still no mention of his part in those fights.

I did admit the things I have done wrong - and that I am working now to change them. MC says H has to "experience" the changes, not just hear promises, before he believes them.

So that goes with DB - keep making my changes.

But I still feel totally blamed for any and all problems in our relationship. I only heard H taking responsibility for not drawing a line with me sooner.

Guess that is the WAS script? Guess that is why piecing is so hard?

Says he still doesn't know if/how he should set boundaries in this R and look at his own shortcomings (gee wouldn't that be nice) or if he should walk away and say it just isn't right for him.

He also admitted that since H left, his attitude has been that he should sacrifice nothing at all for the R to work, if it will at all. H did admit that this "may" be an extreme way of dealing with the problems in our R. MC agreed that H making no sacrifices, and me (admittedly) being willing to sacrifice anything to save M are two extremes that aren't healthy. Hope H thinks about that.

The only crack in the wall I could detect was that he was pondering the possibility that his position is extreme. What I put together is that he felt he didn't listen to himself as to what was working for him, and instead did what he "thought was right". He didn't always express that, and I sometimes didn't hear him when he did. So his attitude since leaving has been an extreme polarization to the other side - instead of ignoring his feelings and needs, he has focussed solely on his own feelings and needs.

My pain is in that nowhere in there did i hear my needs or feelings. I did not bring that up but it's what I'm suffering with tonight.

Very sad after such a wonderful, close holiday break.

Could be a sort of MIL? He's only 35, but a very serious person and overacheiver since his youth. Could be that he never got in touch with his true self, while trying to win approval in being very successful and perfect. So his demanding, bullying, aggresive stance of late could be his immature way of asserting his "true self" - at least in his eyes.

None of this helps me feel loved, appreciated, heard, empathized with. But I guess this is where we start.

H4L

Chin up hun, just a quick question where you to quite young when you got together? We were and a lot of my H's stuff was had he missed out on a life getting together with me.. ok I know thats painful to hear but can you honestly say you have never wondered what else you would have done if H hadnt come along? Well if you didnt get thinking about it now, you C is right neither or you should sacrifice things but compromise so you both get as near as possible to what you want..

You asked how I got Mr Rabbit home, well I just made it far nicer than living in "grass isnt really that green after all land" I was like you I panicked, my 180 was not too, my new motto is "would I have to do it if I was on my own" so if I wibble about something I'd rather let H do I ask myself my question and invariably go do it lol!

Your H still sounds a little foggy to me and accepting some days he is in fogland and you just have to get on with it helps, on those days GAL with a vengence and be seen to be bright, happy, wonderful, beautiful and sexy, everything he wants but right now cant really commit too cos hes foggy!

My H also has depression so I make a little allowance for that but not a lot.. Yep when they said piecing was hard boy they meant it.. I use all my DB tools as best I can.. they do work but you do have to accept they are probably going to get used for life, but then maybe they should be anyway which is why they work..

So today isnt a good day or as your in the states its the evening now, plan tomorrow get up and enjoy it fully and if H is there its a bonus not a loss!

Thank you LR, I actually spoke to him last night, as we are now having more open R talks. I said I felt upset like he had been saying that his ONLY regret was not distancing more from ME early on and he laughed and said no, there's plenty of mistakes to go around and he knows it.

So we are at the stage that we are starting to say and hear what we have done to hurt each other, and hopefully see if there is a way we can do it differently and compromise. I can't believe things are going this well. I feel like we are back on track. H invited me to watch a show with him last night and we laughed and talked openly and things felt so relaxed.

I'm scared for when vacation is officially over and his work stress increases. That's when I've seen him get verbally abusive and my panic attacks started happening. So I'm praying I can DB my way through those times now that I have some reward and connection now in between. When all I was getting was blame and anger, I was despondent. I think he is still foggy - he is waffling still.

GAL is often a confusing issue for me as one of our problems was that I was out gone all the time and neglected my R. I was escaping from our problems. So GAL for me has been more of an internal state - one where I am focussing on making myself feel happy and fulfilled with or without him, but not just going out all the time. Anything so I'm not obssessing on what my H is or isn't doing.

Hi Hope, sorry I havent' had a chance until now to catch up with you, nor read LR's response above, but Im' sure it's a booster as well.

I'm going to go on a limb here and say that since your H has some pretty significant internal issues of his own, he's probably going to be slower to adapt to an anology of a WAS that I've come up with:

You have kids right?

Remeber when those kids got to about 3ish? (must their ages are in your sig)

Remember what their mindset was after a long hard day shopping and running around was? They saw one thing in that store that just grabbed them and it was ALL ABOUT THEM, when you tried to rationalize it was either too much, they didn't need it, whatever, no matter what you tried to say, they had a temper tantrum because this was a time for them in their mind.

And I think that's what happens with the WAS and they lose sight of rationalization and it's all about them. So of course, it's script and he's going to spew out all the negative junk about you that "is the only thin gwrong with M". The more he confesses to of his own, the closer you'll be getting on a steady path.

Thank you, Day. I've heard the "temper tantrum" analogy before, but the way you describe it really hits home! The "it's all about me" fit of "I want what I want and I want it now!!!" thing. I still don't understand what he really wants most of the time, but it is clear I can't rationalize with someone so possessed and out of control. And childish!

Yes, like I said, last night when I confronted him, he admitted to his share of mistakes (although we have yet to get into them). So, although I do not hear him offering up specifics yet, I believe we are getting there.
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In the past few weeks I have confronted him on some of his verbal abuse stuff, and I have actually gotten an apology and I see he is lessening it quite a bit. So, no tearful confessions yet, but cracks in the armor. Inklings at self reflection.

We started MC three weeks ago, when H also began IC. Hopefully this is all getting through to him.

We are in California, but he comes from NJ and says that growing up admitting to going to C would be completely unacceptable. so for him to even be going means he must be getting vulnerable.

I'll give my H credit though - he keeps saying he's ready to go over all the hard stuff of our M in MC -- including having to listen to my side of things. We shall see. We've only just begun...

Another good sign = since H left, we have a schedule for S5 (H stays over here at the house on his nights). Tuesday is not his night, it's mine. I usually don't hear from him since it's just our routine. Tonight I got a txt, "Wanted to let you and S know I'm going out tonight so won't be there but will see you tomorrow."

I was impressed. He has never out of the blue txted me about the schedule. To the contrary. If you've followed my sitch on previous thread, not only does H disappear on his nights off from S, I usually have to track him down for his nights to find out what time he'll be here, etc. This is so unusual! He spent the last week here (vacation time and all) nonstop, so I suppose it was an extension of the time we've all been spending together - but man, that unsolicited and unnecessary text felt wonderful and is a good sign!

LR you are truly an inspiration. I'll be sure to get out there and enjoy life! Gotta get out of this funk I've been in for eight months!

No we weren't that young, H was 27 and I 32 when we met. I did a lot of living and dating - he had some - more being serious getting his education and building his career. I had been more free, travelled more, had more fun I guess.

So somehow I think he's trying to shake off some of the serious carreer/marraige/family/societal expectations path and have some freedom? He's hanging out more with his annoying little brother who is 12 years younger and parties too much! Ugh. But it's a far cry from a MLC in the end - he's still a pretty serious guy. In fact he works too much.