I am happy for you. It seems that your sitch has taken a turn for the better. I think you need to continue lightly and possibly try getting some advice on here before making any sudden moves.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I am happy for you. It seems that your sitch has taken a turn for the better. I think you need to continue lightly and possibly try getting some advice on here before making any sudden moves.
Bolded by me. Thats why I keep posting updates !!!! LOL
It's so therapeutic, right? lol at least it is for me!
Hmmmm , there are some therapeutic aspects for sure, but I'm more sharing everything I can to get feedback on how things are going from as many experienced and outside/impartial observers as possible, since I don't trust my own instincts or thoughts right now, particularly since this is so recent.
Not only am I still learning so much of this stuff, I'm trying to interpret whats going on with her and her reactions and statements at the same time. And since I'm walking through a minefield while juggling nitroglycerin, I need as much feedback as possible while I'm trying to develop these new skills.
Not only am I still learning so much of this stuff, I'm trying to interpret whats going on with her and her reactions and statements at the same time. And since I'm walking through a minefield while juggling nitroglycerin, I need as much feedback as possible while I'm trying to develop these new skills.
I did also learn today that I inadvertently made ANOTHER mistake a few weeks ago. When she had originally said I had " 4 weeks to prove myself " Well one of her big complaints was that I wasn't spending enough time with her and the kids. So I figured ok, Ill make sure I DO make an obvious effort to spend time with ALL of us in the living room together, while NOT talking about US stuff.
Well today I learned that she interpreted that as me being "pushy" which of course is bewildering, since I thought I was actively showing that I was changing the things she was upset about.
I KNOW its WAY to early for ME to even be thinking about OW , but I did have an interesting and somewhat flirtatious encounter with a single mom in one of my classes the other day. I wonder when or if the time would be right to drop that I was doing some unspecified thing with someone from class ?
I dont want to let on about it to soon , but I dont want to wait to long and not have it have the desired effect.
I DONT want to "use" this person, she's actually pretty attractive and in the short conversation we had, we do have some things in common ( tattoo's). And I do have to say it was nice to get some polite and positive attention from the opposite sex.
But I have NO interest in considering an R with ANYONE other then my WAW. But if the WAW gets wind that Im out doing something with a member of the opposite sex there are really only two possible outcomes I see. Either it drives her towards me OR it drives her straight into the arms of her EX, either out of anger or a feeling of " oh good, he's ok and has someone else now "
The payoff is huge, but the risk feels just as big.
What you think will be the route of least conflict.
I can not convince you of the benefit of your gaining a positive mind set.
You will have read it all before...
The fact is that you must gain peace of mind.
You are jumbled.
There are so many twists and turns, which do you follow? Contradictory?!
It feels like it!
You need to grasp everything. What is happening now... What you can do now...
What you can change...
And then settle down....
listen to the vets...
Stop taking the punches on the chin and then turning the other cheek. Because if you were to react it would make it worse in your world...
What has worked so far......?
Simply
Do the right thing.
Take the reaction from them....
In my experience, trying to mediate and avoid conflict, does not work!!
You must draw a line in the sand..
Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Maybe "mediate " was the wrong word ? What I mean is someone (like our neighbor) that can be an outside, impartial third party observer that can help interpret what we're each saying since communication is one of our major issues. Someone that we both feel comfortable with, is non judgmental, non threatening, non biased , etc. It just so happens to be a bonus that this woman is our neighbor and has a degree in psychology and experience with counseling. And likes both of us individually and as a couple and she ADORES our kids. She has two almost exactly the same age as our two.
She concurred that based on her past experiences counseling and reading and hearing what we were saying to each other that its obvious we both feel very deeply for each other. There's just alot of hurt to get past.
Gyn, arent I "drawing a line in the sand" by making it clear I REFUSE to be a " Good time weekend Dad " and I DO NOT accept the EX being present or involved in ANY WAY with any of OUR mutual interactions with OUR kids , like ball games and such ?
Gyn "Stop taking the punches on the chin and then turning the other cheek. Because if you were to react it would make it worse in your world..."
What do you mean by this ? It reads contradictory to me. Your saying STOP taking punches on the chin and turning the other cheek. But if I react it would make it worse ?
So if reacting would " make it worse" then isn't NOT reacting (turning the other cheek ) precisely what I SHOULD be doing ?
Im NOT trying to be difficult , I just really dont understand
I invited her ( strictly as friends ) to a free Country Music Concert I got last minute tickets for, that I was taking our daughter to anyway. I know she wants to go, but its now a question of her work schedule. She also told me that IF she went, HE would have to go also ( I cant be a dick to him like that after what he's done for me ). I told her there was NO WAY I was at a point where I could be sociable with him and suggested an alternative of if we sat apart from each other and she split her time between sitting with me and our daughter and sitting with him and she did say she would consider it, so that's a positive I guess.
First. It isn't true that you invited her "strictly as friends"
Second. What in the world are you thinking? First, you shouldn't have asked her because that shows you are willing to share her with another man. Then you cave and tell her that you WILL go out with her and let her split her time with you and her EX (OM)??????
You seriously need to tell her you changed your mind about that. That is WEAK and is needy and does not attract women to you. Please don't do that.. Come on man, you are doing things out of panic. Not wise.. Not wise at all..
I invited her ( strictly as friends ) to a free Country Music Concert I got last minute tickets for, that I was taking our daughter to anyway. I know she wants to go, but its now a question of her work schedule. She also told me that IF she went, HE would have to go also ( I cant be a dick to him like that after what he's done for me ). I told her there was NO WAY I was at a point where I could be sociable with him and suggested an alternative of if we sat apart from each other and she split her time between sitting with me and our daughter and sitting with him and she did say she would consider it, so that's a positive I guess.
First. It isn't true that you invited her "strictly as friends"
Second. What in the world are you thinking? First, you shouldn't have asked her because that shows you are willing to share her with another man. Then you cave and tell her that you WILL go out with her and let her split her time with you and her EX (OM)??????
You seriously need to tell her you changed your mind about that. That is WEAK and is needy and does not attract women to you. Please don't do that.. Come on man, you are doing things out of panic. Not wise.. Not wise at all..
I hear what your saying I really do. And it does make sense for a conventional situation. But as odd as it may seem, and Im NOT even saying I believe it myself fully , but there IS the possibility that it really IS a platonic thing. She's ALWAYS had more guy friends then girls. And I mean that sincerely, I know its outside the "norm" but there is something to it. She never liked the catty gossipy types of reltionships popular amongst many female/female relationships , even ones that are friendly.
Maybe Im wrong and Im being played. For all I know she could have left our meet up and jumped right in the sack with him, but there's not a damn thing I can do about that.
I've already made peace in my mind with the idea that they MAY already have, or MAY at some point in the future " do it" but again , I cant do squat about it. I learned from DR that the affair is NOT the problem but a symptom. I can live with that. We have almost 14 years of history together, they have ONE bad one.
Like I said, it sounded and felt sincere when she blurted out that she doesn't have everything she wants, cause she doesn't have ME. This was confirmed as sounding very genuine by our neighbor counselor.
I know what Im saying sounds foolish, I really do. But this is not a "normal" person , that does or thinks things in the more common and predictable ways of this type of situation. What if it IS true, that even he has said she shouldnt quit on us ? What if it IS true that they have been apart for so long and grown so different that he really doesnt want to try to rekindle anything ? It IS possible you know. Unusual to be sure, but not exactly unheard of or impossible.
I have to go with the observations of a trained third party that was actually physically present for our conversation today. No offense. IF it IS actually strictly platonic and I wig out or something, all that will do is send the signal to her I dont trust her, and since meeting today face to face was a BIG legal risk for both of us, she agreed that was a small step to rebuilding trust.
If its NOT platonic but is physical, there isnt anything I can do about that right now and for the next couple months until I have more stable and secure living arrangements and am back to work so........................
I know it sounds completely unconventional and against all common sense, but there are some seriously complex dynamics at play here that dont fit the normal mold of how to handle things. And YES, I DID only offer strictly as "friends" in the sense of simply wanting to spend a pleasant afternoon with our daughter, doing something we both enjoy , with NO talk of R stuff. Something she's made clear she needed from me in the past, that I wasnt doing. The tickets fell in my lap at the last minute, we usually make a point to go to this event every year and it was NOTHING more then a gesture of kindness on my part. Just like asking if she'd like to accompany me and the kids on a trip to the zoo a couple weeks back. And one of the central points I got from DR was to offer to do things, in a strictly NON R setting or intent, to be able to just start enjoying each others company again without any pressure or expectations. And before anyone says it , I know it sounds like Im "rationalizing " but thats really not the case.
Im being as forthright and honest as I know how about the sitch and how she "ticks".
so are you here to bust your divorce and turn things around or are you here to tell us stories about how you actually spend time with your wife and the OM?
What's your goal?
Do you want to achieve some results in your situation by doing things you normally WOULDN'T do or do you plan on doing things the same you have always done them, achieve the same results and continue complaining about your situation.
Time to make a decision with your life.
If you're going to continue doing the same things and act like an unattractive "wussy" man, what's the point of being on this site, it can't just be about getting sympathy for you situation (re: IT HURTS SO BAD...) because you will get some sympathy at first but after a while when we all see you're not willing to change or do things that are different and counter-intuitive to what you normally think would work, the sympathy will stop.
You have a chance right now to change the course of direction in your life and by doing so change your life.
It's an awesome responsibility to have but may possibly provide you with the greatest things you will ever have in your life.
